The stuff that "goes without saying" is often the stuff we take for granted because it's always in the picture, for us, and our eye just automatically subtracts it since it's, you know, a given. And that is often the stuff that other people don't know about unless we tell them, or unless they have some prior experience and practice at recognizing it (or noticing the place it would likely be, and then asking about it).
Subtracting that stuff from the picture in certain ways can be such a big coping tool. Got side effects, though. This'd be one of them. Tricky to balance it all, in my experience.
Although it's true that I don't want to be a drama queen, obviously I need to give more careful attention to the possibility that when things are bad for me I may not be communicating everything I intend to communicate.
Hey. Might I defend the word "drama" for a moment?
Is it possible that what you want to avoid is melodrama, rather than drama? Because, you know, not being able to breathe is basically pretty fucking dramatic, and yet that's what you got stuck having to deal with. And you did deal.
Sometimes life just is dramatic, and then we get to do the best we can dealing with the dramatic stuff. But that's a lot different than rolling in it, which maybe is what you meant by "drama queen". Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that I can't see you rolling in it, or using it as, oh, I dunno, a flag or a stick or a trumpet or a soundtrack-enhancer. And I think, sometimes, that some of us might mistake "stating clearly what level of difficulty is occurring" for "being a drama queen," and I think that's a costly mistake. So yeah, some people freak out at reading or hearing how difficult something is, and some other people mistake it for being a drama queen, but I think it boils down to this:
Even if you keep those folks totally happy by avoiding saying how difficult something is, what's the result? You get to deal with the difficult thing in isolation. Doesn't sound like much of a prize to me. Although I understand how sometimes it can be a valid tradeoff to avoid dealing with somebody else's freakout about one's own difficulties. (I should go make a post to dot.cattiness about that. Something on the order of, "Oh, thank you so much for your reaction to my difficulties. Yes, I would much rather take care of you than attend to the stuff going on with myself, so please, make as much fuss about your shock and dismay as you can, thanks. Comforting you in this time of {your} need is such a nice distraction, and I wasn't doing anything important anyway.")
Eh. Sorry, I rant. But there's something important in there, and I'm gonna leave it in hopes that it's useful, and I think you are an excellent Rivka and I hope that you can find a way of making, um, basic status reports that feels right to you and conveys the useful information to the outside world.
And if you figure it out, I hope you post about it, because I'd maybe learn something personally useful as well, besides being happy for you and glad to hear how it went, and stuff like that.
There's a whole nother discussion on disincentives to communicate this kind of stuff, too, but eh, well, tired for now. I send you well wishes, and also good-information-giving wishes too.
no subject
Subtracting that stuff from the picture in certain ways can be such a big coping tool. Got side effects, though. This'd be one of them. Tricky to balance it all, in my experience.
Although it's true that I don't want to be a drama queen, obviously I need to give more careful attention to the possibility that when things are bad for me I may not be communicating everything I intend to communicate.
Hey. Might I defend the word "drama" for a moment?
Is it possible that what you want to avoid is melodrama, rather than drama? Because, you know, not being able to breathe is basically pretty fucking dramatic, and yet that's what you got stuck having to deal with. And you did deal.
Sometimes life just is dramatic, and then we get to do the best we can dealing with the dramatic stuff. But that's a lot different than rolling in it, which maybe is what you meant by "drama queen". Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that I can't see you rolling in it, or using it as, oh, I dunno, a flag or a stick or a trumpet or a soundtrack-enhancer. And I think, sometimes, that some of us might mistake "stating clearly what level of difficulty is occurring" for "being a drama queen," and I think that's a costly mistake. So yeah, some people freak out at reading or hearing how difficult something is, and some other people mistake it for being a drama queen, but I think it boils down to this:
Even if you keep those folks totally happy by avoiding saying how difficult something is, what's the result? You get to deal with the difficult thing in isolation. Doesn't sound like much of a prize to me. Although I understand how sometimes it can be a valid tradeoff to avoid dealing with somebody else's freakout about one's own difficulties. (I should go make a post to dot.cattiness about that. Something on the order of, "Oh, thank you so much for your reaction to my difficulties. Yes, I would much rather take care of you than attend to the stuff going on with myself, so please, make as much fuss about your shock and dismay as you can, thanks. Comforting you in this time of {your} need is such a nice distraction, and I wasn't doing anything important anyway.")
Eh. Sorry, I rant. But there's something important in there, and I'm gonna leave it in hopes that it's useful, and I think you are an excellent Rivka and I hope that you can find a way of making, um, basic status reports that feels right to you and conveys the useful information to the outside world.
And if you figure it out, I hope you post about it, because I'd maybe learn something personally useful as well, besides being happy for you and glad to hear how it went, and stuff like that.
There's a whole nother discussion on disincentives to communicate this kind of stuff, too, but eh, well, tired for now. I send you well wishes, and also good-information-giving wishes too.