rivka | Analytical follow-up to all the posts about sickness.

wcg stopped by to spend time with me Saturday evening, and he seemed quite shocked by how sick I was. "I'm better today than I was yesterday or Thursday," I said, and he was shocked again. So then I was shocked - hadn't I been posting over and over again to my LJ about how I was incredibly, insanely, frighteningly sick?

Today I went back and looked. Actually, I hadn't. I'd posted a lot of things about my symptoms and what the doctor said and how frustrated I was, but I never said that I was sick enough to wonder whether I should be in the hospital. I never said I was afraid I would have a coughing fit in the bathtub, pass out, and drown. I never said that I was afraid to do anything but lie still when I was home alone. I never said that there was a point at which I was too sick to make myself a cup of tea. My posts sound like things were always basically under control, and they weren't. And yet I wasn't trying to "fake good." I was trying to be straightforward without being too whiny.

So

wcg wasn't unobservant - I was underreporting. Huh. This is particularly interesting because it's been a subject of some tension between us before, on emotional issues - in that there have been times when I've been quite upset and he hasn't perceived the full extent of it. Although it's true that I don't want to be a drama queen, obviously I need to give more careful attention to the possibility that when things are bad for me I may not be communicating everything I intend to communicate.

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The stuff that "goes without saying" is often the stuff we take for granted because it's always in the picture, for us, and our eye just automatically subtracts it since it's, you know, a given. And that is often the stuff that other people don't know about unless we tell them, or unless they have some prior experience and practice at recognizing it (or noticing the place it would likely be, and then asking about it).

Subtracting that stuff from the picture in certain ways can be such a big coping tool. Got side effects, though. This'd be one of them. Tricky to balance it all, in my experience.

Although it's true that I don't want to be a drama queen, obviously I need to give more careful attention to the possibility that when things are bad for me I may not be communicating everything I intend to communicate.

Hey. Might I defend the word "drama" for a moment?

Is it possible that what you want to avoid is melodrama, rather than drama? Because, you know, not being able to breathe is basically pretty fucking dramatic, and yet that's what you got stuck having to deal with. And you did deal.

Sometimes life just is dramatic, and then we get to do the best we can dealing with the dramatic stuff. But that's a lot different than rolling in it, which maybe is what you meant by "drama queen". Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that I can't see you rolling in it, or using it as, oh, I dunno, a flag or a stick or a trumpet or a soundtrack-enhancer. And I think, sometimes, that some of us might mistake "stating clearly what level of difficulty is occurring" for "being a drama queen," and I think that's a costly mistake. So yeah, some people freak out at reading or hearing how difficult something is, and some other people mistake it for being a drama queen, but I think it boils down to this:

Even if you keep those folks totally happy by avoiding saying how difficult something is, what's the result? You get to deal with the difficult thing in isolation. Doesn't sound like much of a prize to me. Although I understand how sometimes it can be a valid tradeoff to avoid dealing with somebody else's freakout about one's own difficulties. (I should go make a post to dot.cattiness about that. Something on the order of, "Oh, thank you so much for your reaction to my difficulties. Yes, I would much rather take care of you than attend to the stuff going on with myself, so please, make as much fuss about your shock and dismay as you can, thanks. Comforting you in this time of {your} need is such a nice distraction, and I wasn't doing anything important anyway.")

Eh. Sorry, I rant. But there's something important in there, and I'm gonna leave it in hopes that it's useful, and I think you are an excellent Rivka and I hope that you can find a way of making, um, basic status reports that feels right to you and conveys the useful information to the outside world.

And if you figure it out, I hope you post about it, because I'd maybe learn something personally useful as well, besides being happy for you and glad to hear how it went, and stuff like that.

There's a whole nother discussion on disincentives to communicate this kind of stuff, too, but eh, well, tired for now. I send you well wishes, and also good-information-giving wishes too.

It occurs to me that I should state clearly that the hypothetical bad-reacting person in my post does not resemble anybody currently in your life as far as I know. I'd have a hard time imagining any of the folks that care about you reacting like that.

It seemed to, er, go without saying. So I figured I'd better come back and say it. Kind of a theme, there.

Drama or melodrama, it can be stressful to hear, all the time, about the truth of someone else's chronic distress. It can be hard to maintain belief and sympathy, or, if you do, to maintain distance and equilibrium.

Therefore, I think the result of keeping the dramatic reports low-key is, sometimes, people around you who aren't stressed out or distant. I know it's upsetting to have people freak out about one's problems -- this has sometimes kept me from seeking help when I needed it. However, I think it's unfair to expect people to just go along with perfect equanimity, no matter what you present them with, or for how long you do it.

So. Er. I guess I'm just saying I think Rivka's underreporting, if not perhaps ideal, is perfectly rational.

Well, sure.

(Not sure where "perfect equanimity" got in there, though.)

Analytical follow-up to all the posts about sickness.

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