Analytical follow-up to all the posts about sickness.

[rivka]

wcg stopped by to spend time with me Saturday evening, and he seemed quite shocked by how sick I was. "I'm better today than I was yesterday or Thursday," I said, and he was shocked again. So then I was shocked - hadn't I been posting over and over again to my LJ about how I was incredibly, insanely, frighteningly sick?

Today I went back and looked. Actually, I hadn't. I'd posted a lot of things about my symptoms and what the doctor said and how frustrated I was, but I never said that I was sick enough to wonder whether I should be in the hospital. I never said I was afraid I would have a coughing fit in the bathtub, pass out, and drown. I never said that I was afraid to do anything but lie still when I was home alone. I never said that there was a point at which I was too sick to make myself a cup of tea. My posts sound like things were always basically under control, and they weren't. And yet I wasn't trying to "fake good." I was trying to be straightforward without being too whiny.

So wcg wasn't unobservant - I was underreporting. Huh. This is particularly interesting because it's been a subject of some tension between us before, on emotional issues - in that there have been times when I've been quite upset and he hasn't perceived the full extent of it. Although it's true that I don't want to be a drama queen, obviously I need to give more careful attention to the possibility that when things are bad for me I may not be communicating everything I intend to communicate.

Comments

[dedoc.livejournal.com]

*meditating* Having heard you shortly before you went to the ED, I don't know if it was underreporting *in this case*. I honestly don't quite think you were entirely "there"... not delirious, but disassociated? Which, as has been pointed out, sustained respiratory difficulties can do very, VERY well.

Can't speak to other times, other issues...

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't quite think you were entirely "there"... not delirious, but disassociated?

This seems like a good observation. I really didn't feel entirely aware - it was kind of a distant, dampened, underwater feeling. I brought Misha to my doctor's appointment on Friday because I had no confidence that I would be able to understand and remember what was said to me - and rightfully so. Might've also made me an ineffective communicator, yeah.