(no subject)

[rivka]

From the hysterically funny, yet painfully sad blog Chez Miscarriage:

I was on my cell phone, but I lost the signal when I got onto the elevator. That's why I overheard the conversation between the two men who were on the elevator with me.

"My wife hasn't lost her pregnancy weight yet," one of them complained.

"That's just lazy," the other commiserated, "I mean, what's she doing all day?"

My ears began to bleed and a thousand shrieking harpies flew out of my head and violins screamed in a menacing augury of harrowing wrath.

"She's busy fabricating false rape statistics and disseminating lies about employment discrimination," I replied. The two men stared at me. The cell phone was still against my ear. "Are you talking to us?" one of them asked. I shook my head and mouthed "NO," then pointed to the cell phone. They smiled in uneasy relief.

"It's really had an impact on our sex life," the first man whispered, moving his face close to his friend's ear.

"Well," I said into the phone, "That's because you're the most boring lay imaginable."

The two men looked at me. I smiled at them and shrugged helplessly. "SORRY," I mouthed. Then I theatrically turned toward the elevator wall, covering my free ear with my hand.

"She's just gotten so big," the first man murmured.

"What do you think pregnancy is, a play date with the Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven?" I said into the cell phone.

The two men stood there in angry silence.

"Okay," I said into the phone, "This is my floor, I have to go." I threw the phone into my bag and smiled politely at the two men as the elevator doors opened.

Then I quickly turned around before the doors closed and pointed at the man who had been complaining about his wife. "And by the way," I said sweetly, "Those rolls around your waist aren't exactly made of moneybags."

The elevator doors closed on their furious and astonished faces.

Yeah, that's right. Touché, asshat. Although your wife's best friend can't be everywhere, there are hundreds of women willing to step in for her at a moment's notice - all of whom ride elevators, and one of whom has recently had more hormone injections than an entire herd of U.S. cattle.