In my opinion as an invisibly "disabled" person (I have chronic, severe asthma which is under control except in extreme circumstances/bad air quality), well-meaning reaching out can be extremely irritating, and mostly it has to do with how well self-educated the well-meaner is.
This is related for me to the issue of the needy guilty liberal. I use this stereotype because I've spent a lot of time with needy guilty liberals in the church of Unitarian Universalism (of which I am a member). The type of person I'm talking about here is a progressive who is looking for a cause and looking for common cause, but who doesn't have enough clue to self-educate about a political/social issue. Such a person will generally just find a native representative of whatever the cause du jour is (i.e. me if they're currently progressing about asthma, transgender causes, intersex issues, Asian-American issues, or whatever other pigeon hole I fit in in their eyes).
The reason this approach is problematic for me is that instead of being polite and policing my boundaries on their own, including the one where they rudely ask me to educate them on my issues (when they could just as well do some fundamental research on their own first), they make me police my boundaries and they just wander around like a pinball running into all my and my friends boundary-bumpers before learning how to just be in my company, be supportive and be polite/respectful.
Also, there's another aspect with respect to my medical issue in particular (I don't have the personal experience to say it applies to everyone I know who's got physical ability issues): Sometimes the well-meaning reacher-outer prioritizes their comfort over my own when they are reaching out, or newly reached out. What do I mean by this? For example: I choke on some water or other liquid through the normal 'going down the wrong tube' way that everyone gets at one time or another. In my case, it usually leads to an extended coughing/gasping routine, followed up by wheezing and a full-blown asthma attack. The well-meaning reacher-outer invariably totally freaks out, goes into call-an-ambulance mode, or worse, insists that while I am choking/gasping, I articulate that I'm okay, which I'm not -- it hurts, but they want me to stop them from calling an ambulance. This is usually worst when it's within the first 2 weeks of having been reached out to by any particular individual.
What I would usually prefer is a quick and calm determination that, oh yeah, e is coughing/gasping, and is not blue-looking, so e can probably breathe if not well, at least somewhat, so maybe if I just sit calmly and let em get through it, e can articulate at a more comfortable time for em that it's okay.
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big spammy opinion
Date: 2004-07-26 09:42 am (UTC)This is related for me to the issue of the needy guilty liberal. I use this stereotype because I've spent a lot of time with needy guilty liberals in the church of Unitarian Universalism (of which I am a member). The type of person I'm talking about here is a progressive who is looking for a cause and looking for common cause, but who doesn't have enough clue to self-educate about a political/social issue. Such a person will generally just find a native representative of whatever the cause du jour is (i.e. me if they're currently progressing about asthma, transgender causes, intersex issues, Asian-American issues, or whatever other pigeon hole I fit in in their eyes).
The reason this approach is problematic for me is that instead of being polite and policing my boundaries on their own, including the one where they rudely ask me to educate them on my issues (when they could just as well do some fundamental research on their own first), they make me police my boundaries and they just wander around like a pinball running into all my and my friends boundary-bumpers before learning how to just be in my company, be supportive and be polite/respectful.
Also, there's another aspect with respect to my medical issue in particular (I don't have the personal experience to say it applies to everyone I know who's got physical ability issues): Sometimes the well-meaning reacher-outer prioritizes their comfort over my own when they are reaching out, or newly reached out. What do I mean by this? For example: I choke on some water or other liquid through the normal 'going down the wrong tube' way that everyone gets at one time or another. In my case, it usually leads to an extended coughing/gasping routine, followed up by wheezing and a full-blown asthma attack. The well-meaning reacher-outer invariably totally freaks out, goes into call-an-ambulance mode, or worse, insists that while I am choking/gasping, I articulate that I'm okay, which I'm not -- it hurts, but they want me to stop them from calling an ambulance. This is usually worst when it's within the first 2 weeks of having been reached out to by any particular individual.
What I would usually prefer is a quick and calm determination that, oh yeah, e is coughing/gasping, and is not blue-looking, so e can probably breathe if not well, at least somewhat, so maybe if I just sit calmly and let em get through it, e can articulate at a more comfortable time for em that it's okay.