I'm freaking out.

I'm sorry my LJ has been such a roller coaster of drama lately. I really am. But right now there's not much I can do about it.

My mother's in the ICU.

She went in this morning for a minor surgical procedure on her bladder - day surgery, supposedly, under local anesthetic, very low-key. They even told her she could go back to work the next day. I got e-mail from my father just before noon saying that everything had gone just fine. Mom was drinking tea and eating toast and getting ready to go home.

Then, when I got home, this e-mail from my sister Juanita: Mom had some bleeding and will be staying at the hospital over night. Dad said her situation is stable at this point. She fainted earlier but her heart is ok. She has low blood pressure from blood loss. And a message to call my sister Judy, who filled in more details. "Mom fainted" is a bit of an understatement - she collapsed as she was about to be discharged and was unconscious for three minutes. My father couldn't find a pulse. They announced a code, but according to Dad she became responsive on her own just as the room was filling up with people. She's always had borderline low blood pressure, and apparently there's some internal bleeding into the pelvis. But Judy got to talk to Mom, and said she sounded all right - she was able to have a normal conversation and recount her experiences.

Judy gave me the phone number of the hospital ICU. I called and they put me on the phone with my father. He said that my mother's surgeon was meeting with her, and had ruled out the need for another operation - he thinks the bleeding will stop, and drain, on its own. He said it was okay for my mother to have a supper tray, which means that he really doesn't think he's going to need to go back in tonight. She still has to stay overnight for observation. Dad said that Mom is okay but wants to go home. He downplayed the seriousness of what happened, calling it a "world class fainting episode" and the ICU stay as a precaution. Given that that's what a parent would say, and that he said Mom is worried about how the kids will react, I'm not particularly reassured.

I'm supposed to drive to Boston this weekend for my aunt's memorial service. I don't know if I still should, or if I should go to Elmira to be with my mother. I don't know if I should cancel my clinic tomorrow and leave for Elmira right away. My father says there's no need to come home. I don't know if I should take that at face value.

I'm trying to get hold of my sister the doctor. I've called her, but her line is busy. She might be online, but I e-mailed her asking her to call me at once and haven't gotten a response. I'm waiting for my father to call me back. I'm waiting for my sister Judy, who was on the way to the hospital when I spoke with her, to call and give me her assessment once she's seen Mom. I don't know what to do.

I want to talk to my mother.

Edited to add: Please don't call me. I want to keep the line open for family.

Update on my mother.

I just got off the phone with my sister Debbie, who is a doctor. She was freaked out too when I told her what I knew, but then she made some excellent points:

(1) If my mother came back from the code without medical or surgical intervention, that means that her heart didn't actually stop. It was probably just that her pressure was too low for my father to palpate a pulse.
(2) If my mother is talking and making sense and sounding like herself (as my sister Judy says that she is), she's probably all right.
(3) My parents live in a small town. It's a lot easier to get put in the ICU there than it would be in a big-city hospital like the ones my sister and I work in, because the hospital usually has ICU beds available. So they tend to put people in there when the risk isn't really all that severe.
(4) My mother has no risk factors for a heart problem, except that she's overweight. No diabetes, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, no smoking.

Update already: Okay, now Debbie's talked to Mom. She says that Mom sounds good - her voice is strong and she's perfectly rational, just upset about having to stay in the ICU because she thinks she won't get much rest. She's had an echocardiogram, and her heart is perfectly normal. She's had a pelvic CT scan, and the amount of bleeding isn't enough to require another operation. She probably won't need a transfusion - although her hematocrit has dropped, and will probably be even lower tomorrow because you make up blood volume before you make up blood cells, it's still within the normal range.

My father was keeping something from me, damn it. He had thought that Mom stopped breathing during the fainting episode, when he couldn't find her pulse. But the nurse who was there with him says that she never stopped breathing. Jesus, how terrifying for my father.

Debbie suggests that I wait until tomorrow to decide whether I go to Elmira or to Boston. Mom will probably be discharged tomorrow, and I'll be able to talk to her and find out whether she wants visitors. I assume that my father will stay with her, and my sisters Judy and Juanita will be in town with her, and there should probably be at least some representatives of our family at the funeral. So I'll wait and see.

Debbie didn't sound worried at all, after talking to mom and getting the additional information. I feel much better myself, although I still don't think we're out of the woods. Probably within 24 hours, we'll know one way or another whether things will get worse or better.

Also, I should say that curiousangel gets an infinite number of husband points for being calm, concerned, sensible, and supportive. It really helped to know that, whatever I needed to do, I could count on him to make it happen - on a moment's notice and without adding to my stress level. Not everyone is like that in a crisis.

therealjae also gets major points for reminding me that my adrenaline rush was not actually making me more effective at dealing with the situation, and reminding me to breathe. Deep diaphragmatic breathing exercises actually helped a lot, and I wouldn't have thought to do them on my own.