The "If you call me..." meme

If you call me Rebecca, you are a professional colleague, a former classmate, an ongoing therapy client, a client of my same socioeconomic status, someone from my church, someone from the Dean for America campaign, a childhood friend, or a member of my family.

If you call me Rivka, you first met me online, at a convention, at English Country Dancing, or through someone else who first knew me through one of these settings. Alternately, you are my dearest grad school friend, David.

If you call me Rivkele, you are my grad school friend David in a particularly affectionate mood. I actually love this diminutive, but only in the right circumstances and from the right people.

If you call me Rivkalein, you're therealjae, being affectionate in IM.

If you call me Becky, I won't answer. Unless you're a powerful higher-up at work, in which case I will murmur, again, "Rebecca, please."

If you call me Reba, you are one of a handful of guys I was friends with in high school. You said it then to make me wince; you're saying it now out of nostalgic affection. Or at least, that's how I'd hear it these days.

If you call me She Whose Pet I Am, you are someone I have a D/S relationship with, speaking about me to someone else. We probably need to find a shorter version of that.

If you call me 'Becca, you're probably my ex-girlfriend. I don't want you to call me anything at all.

If you call me Miss Rebecca, you're a client. You're almost certainly poor and African-American, and you probably haven't been seeing me very long. If we continue on in therapy together for long enough, you'll drop the "Miss." You might also be the child of one of my acquaintances, especially if you're African-American - or you could be an adult talking to a child about me.

If you call me Dr. Rebecca, you're a client. And I adore you for using the right title. You're pretty rare, though.

If you call me Ms. Wald, you know me in a business context, but not well enough to use my proper title. Examples: you're a telemarketer, or a sales rep at a potential alt.polycon hotel, or the ER physician when I'm there as a patient. I'd like to correct you, but I know it would be an obnoxious thing to do.

If you call me Dr. Wald, you know me both professionally and formally. For example, you're contacting me about a conference I'm attending. Or you're the clinic receptionist. Or you're talking about me to a client I haven't met yet: "I'm going to make you an appointment with Dr. Wald." Or you're a friend, trying to make me all glowy and happy by reminding me of my new title.

If you call me Mrs. Wald, you're probably from one of the restaurants where I order takeout and curiousangel picks it up.

If you call me Mrs. Nutt, you're one of my more distant in-laws addressing me on an envelope. Alternatively, you're a telemarketer.

If you call me li'l Rivka, you are curiousangel. Everyone else: please don't try this at home.

If you call me Books (rhymes with dukes, not with looks), you're my brother, and you're in an extremely nostalgic mood.

If you call me Rebbie (rhymes with Debbie), you're my sister Debbie, and we have somehow entered a time machine and gone back to the mid-80s.

If you call me sweetie or darlin', you could actually be any number of people. I'm not too rigid about terms of affection, as long as you're not (a) a stranger, and not an elderly southerner, or (b) hostile or condescending.

If you call me honey or sugar, you are my father-in-law. He has the strange ability to call any woman in the world "honey" without giving offense. This is probably something else that it would be wiser not to try at home.