So.

Cycle day 32, and no blood. I don't know why I'm not more excited.

Well, actually, I do. It hearkens back to Cycle 5, when I went 35 days with no blood and was absolutely certain that I was pregnant. I had pregnancy symptoms, fatigue and sore nipples. I was on an emotional roller coaster. Two negative tests before my period came. I felt so crazy.

I don't want to do that again. I don't have the energy. I can't face the bitter disappointment.

This time I haven't thought that I was pregnant - not since Sunday afternoon, when we came home and I discovered that I'd miscalculated my cycle. I'd thought I was late, and I was dead on time. That was enough to cure me of unrealistic hopes. So instead of having pregnancy symptoms this time, I've had period symptoms - I keep feeling slightly crampy, as if I'm about to start any moment.

Except, nothing.

This time I haven't stopped drinking. I haven't computed a hypothetical due date. I haven't rehearsed how I would tell Michael... okay, that's a lie, I've done that part. But I haven't felt the urge to test.

If I'm not pregnant, and I don't think I am, I wish my period would just come already.