(no subject)

[rivka]

I am holding a sleeping baby upright on my lap, letting her digest for 30 minutes befor I put her back to bed. She's been on the Zantac for about sixteen hours now. It hasn't kicked in yet, but fortunately she doesn't usually have as many symptoms at this hour of night. My pamphlet on "breastfeeding the baby with reflux" says that it's often less painful to them to eat while sleeping, which she more or less was for this bottle. No symptoms ten minutes in - I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

We spent today trying to reintroduce breastfeeding. Alex was delighted. She latched on and held my nipple in her mouth, snuggling up and curling one hand posessively around my breast. She patted me happily. Here's whta she didn't do: nurse. She took the occasional sip, but nothing you could really call nutritive. So I'd put her to the breast and cajole and harry her, and then afterward I'd need to give her a bottle to keep her nourished. With her weight gain problems being so serious, I can't afford to wait out a nursing strike.

So instead I spent the day getting progressively more hysterical about the possibility that nursing just isn't going to work fot us. All day I kept thinking about a link porcinea posted to an article explaining the vital importance of not ever letting formula-feeding mothers think what they're doing is okay. We shouldn't say formula is "second best," because it's much further down the list than that, after nursing, pumping and bottle feeding, using a milk bank or wet nurse, and possibly letting the baby roll around on the floor eating lint. We shouldn't say "breastfed babies are healthier," we should say "formula-fed babies are sickly." And on and on. People posted approving comments in porcinea's journal. I haven't been able to get that article, or the people I know who really do feel that way, out of my head.

It's so important to me to make it work. It's so much better for her health. I know that. But I also wonder how long I can realistically keep trying, if she doesn't start taking in large amounts of calories from the breast soon. I mean, this is what our current feeding system looks like:

1. Nurse. Prod the baby to keep her from sleeping on the breast, and attempt to cajole her into taking more than just a few dainty sips. This step takes about 30-40 minutes.
2. Give her a bottle, adjusted downward from 2.5oz depending on how much she seems to have taken from the breast. Today that mostly meant 1.5 to 2oz of expressed breast milk/formula.
3. Hold her upright for 30 minutes to reduce reflux symptoms. Usually in here somewhere the reflux kicks in and she starts yelling and arching in pain.
4. Attempt to comfort and soothe the hurting baby.
5. Try to find a way that the baby will tolerate being put down so that I can pump breastmilk.
6. Pump, if possible. This takes 20-25 minutes for pumping and washing up.

She eats every two to three hours.

So the anecdotes people are posting about "I know a woman who pumped and fed bottles for months and then successfully established nursing" are kind of inspirational, but kind of terrifying. I couldn't keep this up for months. I would quit trying first. That probably makes me a bad mother, or at least, so I told myself all day. I'm not ready to give up trying yet, but I'm already being hammered by anticipatory guilt.

This evening, at last, she nursed with a little more authority. Not enough to count as a whole feeding, but enough to count as actual food intake. We'll see if she continues to improve tomorrow, or if we'll find ourselves back at square one. Also I talked to my sister, who reminded me that breastfeeding is not an all-or-nothing thing. Every bit Alex gets will help her, even if it's never enough to be her sole source of nutrition. So we'll keep doing whatever we can.

Yes, I am keeping in mind that my guilt and frustration might be symptome of postpartum depression. We are all keeping a very close eye on that. I don't think I'm there yet - I think it's more about stress and sleep deprivation and physical illness at this point. I mean, look at that feeding routine up there. You don't have to be depressed to find that overwhelming, right?

Comments

<big hugs>

[librarygrrl]

You don't have to be depressed to find it overwhelming, not at all! And, while we totally would have preferred to breast feed Rory and Max, it just wasn't a viable option, not being the biological mothers. Sam did try that sympathetic inducement thingy, but Rory would have none of it. So, I just wanted to pipe up and say that if (and my fingers and toes are crossed and I'm thinking good thoughts for the breastfeeding), IF you cannot sustain breastfeeding, that does not at all make you a bad mother! And, while it wasn't optimal, we have two beautiful children who were raised on a combination of goat milk and formula. You do the best you can for the kidlets, and that's all anyone can expect. It sounds like you are giving it your all! :)

[kiya]

That probably makes me a bad mother, or at least, so I told myself all day.

I seem to remember a blog entry or two about the forces that want to turn everything that happens into a sign of "bad mother". Something about "the crushing weight of responsibility without, in fact, very much control" came up in one of them.

You'll do what you can, and you'll do the best for Alex that can be humanly done.

The other stuff in my head to say isn't coming out quite right, so I'll leave it there. I shall beam the well-wishes it contains in your direction, so if you feel radiant pulses of "You can handle this, and you'll do what you need to do" floating by when the wind is coming from the north, that's me.

*hug*

[ailbhe]

(1) YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER.

(2) YOU ARE NOT.

(3) NO, YOU ARE NOT.

This is just your first real encounter with the mantra of motherhood: A mother's place is in the wrong. No matter what you do, some people will think it's wrong.

I know a bunch of formula-fed babies who get fewer colds than Linnea does.

I know a woman who changed the regime of life-draining pumping to giving her baby as much formula as she wanted and as much breast as she wanted, and the baby got bigger and happier and snugglier and still asks for boob more than for bottles, but is still - at about 13 or 14 months - having a lot of both.

Your feeding routine is overwhelming, yes. I would be overwhelmed, with or without mastitis.

The language changes in the article you mention - I haven't read the article - could be useful to make more people try to *start* breastfeeding. Here in the UK, up to 1/3 of babies never get a maternal nipple in their mouths. Never. And in the US the numbers are lower. That's the problem, not women who just plain can't and try and try and try and try. Breastfeeding as long as possible isn't seen as normal, not by any stretch of the mark. Women on both sides of the divide are frightened and defensive.

Here's what I think; I think that if you can't re-establish nursing after all this, it will be sad for *you*, and Alex will do fine. She will grow up with colds and so on, just like my no-milk-but-mother's-milk baby, and she will grow up loved and cared for by parents doing their guilt-ridden best. And you'll feel bad about it, and sad about it, but it won't do her any real harm. She's had a *great* breastfeeding start already, and you've *tried*.

The greatest gift any mother can give her child is a sane and loving mother.

*hug*

Ailbhe

[hawkida.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear it's so frustrating and difficult. Anyone who thinks you're a bad mother has no idea what thought and effort you're putting into all this. Good luck, here's hoping it gets easier soon.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's a routine that most people would find overwhelming. That doesn't make you a bad mother. Motherhood is about so much more than what kind of milk the baby gets. Just because some other people can't keep a sense of perspective, doesn't mean you should throw yours out of the window too.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

It is incredibly overwhelming - and that article is just cruel and imho wrong (and I say this as someone who nursed over a year with my first two kids).

One thing that doesn't get touched on much, but which I know to be true from personal & friends' experience is, now that you've nursed for a month, your milk supply won't disapear in a snap, even if you ended up mostly-supplementing-and-pumping-one-or-two-times-a-day. Things like the immunities you pass to your child will come through even if you're only feeding her 4-5 oz of pumped milk, and she'll build on those immunities herself. And there are galactogogues like fenugreek and some teas to help you boost your production if you do transition to mostly-formula-and-some-pumping.

[eeyorerin]

I mean, look at that feeding routine up there. You don't have to be depressed to find that overwhelming, right?

My first thought was "My God. How does Rivka even find time to go to the bathroom if she's got to keep that up all day?" So yes, that does sound terribly overwhelming, especialy when a) you are ill, b) you (and Misha) are still adjusting to parenthood and establishing practices and routines for you as a parent (and not just you as a hypothetical parent), c) Alex is in pain and therefore needing more of your attention and probably making you worry and fret because you cannot fix it completely. I think if I were in your place I'd be seriously considering the merits of the rolling on the floor eating lint idea. :)

Right now Alex needs to gain weight and to get her reflux under control in order to be a healthy baby. You are doing your best to make sure that she does those things, and to recover physically from the mastitis, and it sounds like the lactation clinic and Alex's pediatrician and your supporting crew are all still encouraging you to breastfeed, helping you find ways to breastfeed or get Alex breastmilk, and to get you and Alex over this hurdle. You are doing the best you can, and a damn good job, says I. The critical people on the Internet can go eat lint.

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

There are *millions* of healthy adults out there who were fed little or no breast milk.

You've managed to give her the crucial early weeks on the breast.

The heck with extremists!

[oursin.livejournal.com]

I don't know much about the anti-formula position in general, but I suspect there's a long stretch from concerns about the unethical marketing by Certain Companies in the developing world (where for lots of reasons it's almost certainly going to be the case that feeding formula will have adverse repercussions) to artifical feeding is Always Worst in Every Case. And I think of the perfectly terrible substitutes for mothers' milk that have historically been used to feed babies - who somehow survived and even thrived - and I can't conceive that modern infant formula is All That Bad. Milk Banks doubtless good if available, but (again, with the historical perspective) wet-nurses not necessarily - all the things that might be communicated to the nursing infant. The kind of attitude of these evangelists seems so very not helpful.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

*hug*

There was a point when I'd tear up every time I saw a "breast is best" ad. It's aimed at making people guilty, and the people it makes guilty are the breast-handicapped, not those who can't be bothered to do it. ("Breast-handicapped" is an improvement on "defective nipples" which is what I used to say.)

You've met zorinth. Do you think it's really made much difference to his life that I never managed to get him to latch on and that I only pumped for three months? (And that was with carandol unemployed and therefore home full time and feeding Z bottles of last time's milk while I pumped more -- pumping with a hungry baby there is much easier than pumping otherwise. I eventually got to where I could drain a pint out of each breast every eight hours.)

Zorinth is fine. Alex will be fine too.

Breast might be "best", but formula is good enough, and good enough is what's required to be a good mother, not perfection.

[geekymary.livejournal.com]

These first 6 weeks suck. Yeah, it's great to be a mom, and great to have a baby, don't get me wrong, but this very beginning part is just something to be endured. You're way overtired, probably completely overwhelmed, and just day to day functions are a huge ordeal.

It gets better. Much, much better.

Right now, every little decision seems super important, because, as a percentage of your parenting experience, every small thing is pretty big. I remember this period. I had an infection in my C-section incision as well as mastitis. Couldn't get better, couldn't do anything right. It was seriously traumatic.

After a while, Alex is going to stabilize. She's going to start smiling at you, developing a personality, grabbing things. You'll settle into a routine. It might vary a bit, but you'll get a rhythm going. It will get easier.

Just hunker down, hang in there, and when you make it to the end (breastfeeding or not - who cares), you'll be posting in other people's LJs about how much better it gets. And before you know it, Alex will be crawling and pulling up on furniture and trying to eat the TV remote.

[eeyorerin]

I was just going to comment again and say that your recent posts about UK breastfeeding week and identity and breastfeeding might be a useful perspective, but here you are providing it. :)

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

None of my inspirational story people had to deal with reflux on top of everything else. It's an unfortunate thing, and can cause lots of problems with feeding in general, not just breastfeeding. So I think you guys are doing really, really well under the circumstances.

At some point you're going to have to deal with the fact that a bottle is easier to get milk out of than a boobie. But that time is not until after the Zantac kicks in and the reflux is under control and your mastitis is better, which hopefully will be soon. In the meantime, doing exactly what you're doing - continuing to offer the breast and having Alex find it a comforting, positive presence, even if she's not nursing much - is exactly the right thing.

You are an excellent mother. Welcome to the world of fear and uncertainty that is parenting, where (if my experience is at all typical) you'll always worry that you're doing it wrong.

I wish I could be there to help.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I continue to wish you well, and to firmly believe that you are making the best possible choices from the available alternatives.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

I could totally throttle those "breast milk or nothing" people right now.

Look, breast milk may in fact be scientifically, provably better nutrition. But there is an entire generation of American babies who were bottle-fed formula because their mothers were told that was the way to do it, and not all of them were sickly. I was one of those babies, and my sister was, too. We're now both healthy adults now happily approaching middle age. Maybe we're bucking a trend, and were exceedingly lucky, who knows? But personally, I think we were probably *better* off than current-day mothers simply because there wasn't anyone breathing down my own mother's neck constantly trying to tell her all the ways she should be feeling guilty. As a baby, wouldn't you rather have a blissfully ignorant mother who made the occasional suboptimal decision than a mother constantly strained to the breaking point who did almost everything exactly according to recommendations?

There are *lots* of possible ways to feed and clothe and take care of a baby. And there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with choosing to do one little thing that goes against current scientific knowledge so as to make things a little saner for you and your daughter over the next few weeks.

-J

HUGE hugs

[samtosha.livejournal.com]

You are NOT a bad mother. You are doing the best you can with the situation. Just one of these factors would overwhelming for anyone, but combined, they are doubly overwhelming and exhausting. It really will get better.

[ailbhe]

There was a point when I'd tear up every time I saw a "breast is best" ad. It's aimed at making people guilty, and the people it makes guilty are the breast-handicapped, not those who can't be bothered to do it.

I've been trying to think this this coherently for days. Thank you.

The only thing that will make non-starters start trying to breastfeed is for breastfeeding to become normal. Making them defensive won't work. Guilt-tripping mothers who are already working themselves to the bone trying to breastfeed won't help anyone and may actually discourage people who might otherwise have given it a go.

People like me who find it easy feeding in public all the time might help, because sometimes, breastfeeding is easy, and natural, and pleasant, and nice, and it must be like that for some proportion of the people who can't be bothered to do it. Positive advertising.

A.

If you're still worried...

[(Anonymous)]

...by all accounts you had a midwife team playing at demigod levels. If they can't give you good counsel on their own - and it seems like the sort of thing that they'd know something about - surely they know someone who could.

-Moe

PS: In my (admittedly limited) experience, bad mothers do not worry about what you are worrying about.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

i just wanted to second this.

and to say that i was formula fed. my mom went back to work six weeks after i was born, and i had a woman who's house she dropped me off at in the morning and she picked me up in the evening. that woman, whom i called "Mama" until i was six (my mom was "Mommy") was a *second* mother to me. but i always knew who was my real mommy.

does all that make my mom a "bad mother". HELL NO! and i'd kick ANYONE's ASS who says that she was.

today, my mom and i may *sometimes* have a difficult relationship, but overall, i feel exceedingly lucky to have a mother i am so close to. i have a great relationship with her, if i didn't, i wouldn't be moving into an apartment next door to her!

i don't think that formula ruined our closeness, i don't think she was wrong for giving me formula, and i don't think that i was sick more often or less than other babies. i have strong and healthy bones, a strong healthy body, and a strong and healthy brain. not to mention a stellar personality ;) if i do say so myself. and as for Mama, i loved my time with her. she cared for me like her own, her little girl and i played and grew together. i learned spanish and developed a fondness for the puerto rican ices that aren't sold anymore in the streets of New York. as i got older, she added kids to the group. there was me, a taiwanese kid, an african-american girl, and her daughter. my mom used to call us the "mini UN". it was a *marvelous* experience, not a lacking one. i never felt like i didn't know my mom, or anything. i knew my mom loved me more than anything in the whole wide world, and every time she picked me up i knew and felt it. she was the one who tucked me into bed, who woke me in the morning, who read to me, who comforted me when i cried, she was and IS my mother. and formula and nannys can NEVER change that.

ultimately, your love and caring are the most important kinds of nourishment that you can give your child. and Alex has that. everything else is just mechanics.

[giant hug]

n.

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

I know it's overwhelming to think of going through that routine for some indeterminate time. Just thinking about having to do it for another 3 days or a week or whatever of course freaks you out and makes you think about quitting and makes you feel guilty. But you don't have to commit right now to keep going forever, you just have to think about this one feeding. And you can do that.

If Alex doesn't end up getting the bulk of her nutrition straight from the tap, stopping the whole pumping-and-trying-to-reestablish-nursing thing in a week or a month or whenever you throw your hands in the air, does not make you a bad mother. Breastfeeding does get the baby off to a good start in life, yes, of course, but there is a lot more to being a mother than breast feeding. A formula-fed Alex will still be happy and healthy and a good person because you are her mother and you love her and you're a good parent.

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

All day I kept thinking about a link porcinea posted to an article explaining the vital importance of not ever letting formula-feeding mothers think what they're doing is okay.

For what it's worth, I think the article in question was more about how to convey a set of pro-breast-feeding messages that are more able to withstand apathy and to stand up against the marketing forces of baby formula makers.

Your situation (which, in my completely uninformed opinion, you're dealing with amazingly) certainly raises questions about the side effect of guilt as a result of those messages.

[geminigirl]

You're not a bad mother. You're providing love and nurturing to your child, and doing your best to make sure she grows up healthy and happy with all the support she needs-and you need.

[castiron.livejournal.com]

You don't have to be depressed to find that overwhelming, right?

Even a chipper optimist would find that overwhelming!

You've already succeeded in giving Alex breastmilk for the first weeks of her life, which was more than most Americans born a generation ago ever got. You're doing fine; and you'll be doing fine even if Alex has to eat nothing but formula until the first day she scarfs down a spoonful of rice cereal.

(And while breastfed babies may be statistically less likely to have colds & such, my solely-breastfed son had so many ear infections as a baby that he had to get tubes in his ears the day before his first birthday. Breastmilk doesn't guarantee perfect health; formula doesn't guarantee sickness.)

Re: *hug*

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, yes. Listen to this woman, for she is wise. She said all I wanted to say, and better.

The one immovable fact of motherhood is that everything you do is wrong. My oldest is eighteen and I am still reminding myself of that. You do the best you can, and remember that every mother you see who seems to be a better mother than you are because she's doing X, Y, and Z, and you aren't, probably isn't doing A, B, and C, that you do.

And like everyone else is saying, there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed when your schedule is overwhelming.

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

Oh, Rivka. I'm sorry.

It's all overwhelming and scary, and no matter what happens, you will end up feeling like a bad mommy sometimes. But you're not, really you're not.

You are trying to do what's best, and it's going to turn out okay for Alex.

Really.

And I would talk to the lactation clinic about how long that schedule is reasonable to keep up, and maybe, in a week or so, switch to pumping exclusively, to give yourself a break.