I'm not sure I have much to offer, but the concept of "chiming in" as a technique for attempting to empathize really rings true to me. I feel like I'm often guilty of trying to draw analogies between other people's experiences and my own. I don't necessarily do this because I believe the experiences are equivalent, but because it's a way for me to get a better handle on the situation. I usually want to be helpful and offer advice, limited as it might be, and the only way I feel like I can do that is to speak from my own experiences. I can definitely see how it might make the other person feel that I'm trivializing their situation, regardless of my intent, but it's hard not to do it when it's the only way I know how to empathize.
I think a big problem is that most people *don't* know normal conversational non-therapeutic ways of empathizing or communicating in this sort of situation, so comparing to their own experience is the default. I think that most people grow up in a fairly homogenous environment, where it's usually perfectly appropriate to compare experiences. Then, when we eventually want to communicate with people who are very different (or who have had very different experiences), we aren't equipped with the proper tools - because we haven't had many opportunities to learn how.
I suppose part of the problem is the assumption that when someone discusses their problems, they must be looking for advice or empathy when really they may just want a sympathetic ear. So the first step would be to acknowledge that we may be doing more harm than good by trying to give advice or empathize. But the second step - actually knowing *how* to listen sympathetically despite not personally identifying with the situation - is still problematic for many people.
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Date: 2006-06-04 07:44 pm (UTC)I'm not sure I have much to offer, but the concept of "chiming in" as a technique for attempting to empathize really rings true to me. I feel like I'm often guilty of trying to draw analogies between other people's experiences and my own. I don't necessarily do this because I believe the experiences are equivalent, but because it's a way for me to get a better handle on the situation. I usually want to be helpful and offer advice, limited as it might be, and the only way I feel like I can do that is to speak from my own experiences. I can definitely see how it might make the other person feel that I'm trivializing their situation, regardless of my intent, but it's hard not to do it when it's the only way I know how to empathize.
I think a big problem is that most people *don't* know normal conversational non-therapeutic ways of empathizing or communicating in this sort of situation, so comparing to their own experience is the default. I think that most people grow up in a fairly homogenous environment, where it's usually perfectly appropriate to compare experiences. Then, when we eventually want to communicate with people who are very different (or who have had very different experiences), we aren't equipped with the proper tools - because we haven't had many opportunities to learn how.
I suppose part of the problem is the assumption that when someone discusses their problems, they must be looking for advice or empathy when really they may just want a sympathetic ear. So the first step would be to acknowledge that we may be doing more harm than good by trying to give advice or empathize. But the second step - actually knowing *how* to listen sympathetically despite not personally identifying with the situation - is still problematic for many people.