rivka | Aftereffects.

Just talked to my midwife's assistant. I was a little confused about my discharge instructions from the hospital, which said to follow up with my midwife in two weeks. Originally she had told me that I'd be following up with a perinatologist (an OB who specializes in high-risk pregnancies) to monitor my hormones, because if this is trophoblastic disease it will be vitally important to know whether my pregnancy-hormone level goes all the way down to zero and stays there. (If it doesn't, it means that tumor cells implanted somewhere else and are continuing to grow.)

At the hospital, apparently, someone told Michael that my hormone levels were lower than they'd expect to see with trophoblastic disease, and that they were leaning more towards thinking it was a "blighted ovum" - a fertilized egg so chromosomally damaged that it was able to produce a placenta (and therefore pregnancy hormones and symptoms) but not an actual embryo. But that's not something they can actually diagnose until the path report comes back - which won't be for two full weeks, because (among other things, apparently) they have to do a chromosomal analysis.

So it turns out that we're going to be following a middle path. I don't need to go straight to a perinatologist, but I also can't just coast until my two-week follow-up at the midwife's. Instead my midwife will be ordering weekly hormone-level tests until we figure out what the hell this was all about. That seems reasonable to me. It's somewhat of a relief that they're not just slapping me onto the full trophoblastic protocol, and yet I also really really want to know what my hormone levels are doing.

I am in a lot more pain today, although it's nothing 800mg of ibuprofen can't handle. I now admit that yesterday I was being a macho, irrational, self-denying idiot. So today I didn't just stay home in the morning - I stayed home, resisted the urge to do "just a little" packing or cleaning, and laid on the couch for two and a half hours watching West Wing reruns. And I asked Michael to arrange his schedule so that he could drive me to and from work.

Emotionally I am coming along. I am sad but not completely prostrate with grief. However, I notice that I am banking a lot on being able to get pregnant again almost immediately, and I suspect that if that doesn't, or can't, happen then I will probably fall apart in a big way. And that might well be a problem.

If this is trophoblastic, standard medical advice is that we not even try to get pregnant for a year. Which would realistically mean that we'd wind up with kids who are five years apart or more, which... feels like a family with a big hole in the middle of it, where another kid should've been. Honestly, even a four-year gap seems like too much to me, except that that ship has clearly already sailed.

It's also the case that I'm almost 35. Even if we can start trying again right away - if it's a blighted ovum, for example - there's no guarantee that it wouldn't take a year or more for me to get pregnant. And I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't handle that well.

I think I will be able to cope with a baby deferred. I don't think I'll be able to cope with maybe-not-another-baby. Or a family with a big aching hole in the middle, instead of kids close enough to play together.

I also notice that I am channeling a lot more emotionally energy than I normally would to planning and organizing things for Alex. This seems reasonably healthy as long as I keep things under control practically and financially. But boy, have I ever been doing a lot of shopping for the perfect big-girl bed with the perfect accessories. And the best presents for her birthday, two months away. It's nice to be able to divert my energy towards the kid I actually have. It's nice to have a kid to divert my energy to.

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It will probably be this bedframe (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S39827962), which expands from child-sized to twin-sized and which also happens to be absolutely adorable.

The as-yet-to-be-determined part is the bedding. Alex's favorite color is yellow, and they don't seem to be doing too much with yellow as a decorating color right now. I am torn between this bedding pattern (http://www.amazon.com/Olive-Kids-Flowerland-Twin-Comforter/dp/B000MF85RS) because it's yellow, and this bedding pattern (http://www.target.com/Olive-Kids-Mermaids-Bedding-Collection/dp/B000NWX8P4/qid=1202152940/ref=br_1_8/602-7383912-4530211?ie=UTF8&node=337183011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1) because she's had an enduring interest in mermaids. I think the mermaids are cuter, but is it wrong to deny her bedding that comes in her favorite color?

...You see why this critical issue is consuming so much of my attention. It's so much better than so many of the other things I could be thinking about.

When I was a kid, yellow was also my favourite colour! And when we moved into a new house, I wanted a yellow room so much! Not a bright yellow or anything that could be considered offensive but a nice, pale yellow. It would have been *so* pretty, like living in a room painted with sunshine. But my room was across the hall from the guest bathroom, which was painted blue with brown accents. My mother felt that the yellow I picked would not adequately match the bathroom so she painted my room the same blue as the bathroom. Thirty years later I am still horribly upset by this! My parents haven't even lived in that house since I was 16 but I remember, oh, do I ever remember!!!

I plan to paint my rooms in Edmonton pale yellow and you know that I'm going to show my parents the room when they visit and be all, "HA! It took me until I was 35 but WITH NO HELP FROM YOU I FINALLY have a YELLOW ROOM! And you can't stay in it! You're sleeping in the basement on a really uncomfortable bed in a room where nothing matches! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

I'm just saying.

So you're saying that if I buy the mermaid bedding I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of resentment, plus being relegated to an uncomfortable bed when I am old?

Hmmm. So many decisions.

(Why did your bedroom have to match a bathroom that was across the hall and wasn't even yours?! And why couldn't they paint the bathroom yellow?!)

So you're saying that if I buy the mermaid bedding I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of resentment, plus being relegated to an uncomfortable bed when I am old?

Yes. Also, you should be aware that the resentment could take on other forms. She could, for example, turn to a life of cheering for the Yankees. Cheering for the "wrong" sports team was a major resentment outlet for my sister and she never went back to the "right" team. How good are those mermaids looking to you now ;-)

(Why did your bedroom have to match a bathroom that was across the hall and wasn't even yours?!

Because a guest walking down the hallway to the bathroom would be able to see into my room and therefore it was important that it complement the colours in the bathroom.

And why couldn't they paint the bathroom yellow?!)

Because the brown accents in the bathroom wouldn't go with the yellow I wanted. And the brown accents in the bathroom were there to match the brown carpet in the hall which matched the brown carpet in the living room and the living room carpet was brown because the furniture was brown and cream because my mother wanted to have a living room decorated in brown, cream, and pink.

Because the brown accents in the bathroom wouldn't go with the yellow I wanted. And the brown accents in the bathroom were there to match the brown carpet in the hall which matched the brown carpet in the living room and the living room carpet was brown because the furniture was brown and cream because my mother wanted to have a living room decorated in brown, cream, and pink.

*is dizzy*

I can actually see myself reasoning like that (that is much the way I decorate), but if the Small Child wants yellow, it's not impossible to find a yellow that doesn't clash.

The yellow one is fantastic! Maybe a friend can whip up a mermaid doll of some kind, but I think the yellow bedspread is far more awesome!

I'm soooooo happy you have Alex in this time. She must be such a comfort for you :)

N.

is it wrong to deny her bedding that comes in her favorite color?

I'm guessing she's going to need more than one set of sheets. Y'know?

Linnea has all the same sheets - but three different pillowcase/duvet cover sets. That's one to wear, one to wash, and one for spilling a midnight drink on.

I think we'll probably spring for one set of the fancy sheets and pillowcase that match the comforter, and then buy her a couple of sets of plain yellow or white sheets for backup.

Is she too young to "unwrap" the bed and then get told for an extra-special present, she can pick the bedding from those two? Or would that not be a good gift for her personality regardless of her age?

Glad to hear you stayed home today.

These are very important issues, which should take up most of your brainpower. Perhaps she would like a Yellow Mermaid?

FWIW, I’ve been so far impressed with your seemingly infinite ability to cope. I desperately hope that you don’t need to anymore, but I have faith that you can.

Oh, all of that is absolutely adorable. I do think the mermaids are cuter, but the yellow bedding is cute too. Maybe yellow sheets, if they would go with the mermaid bedding? I think I saw some yellow in there.

Yellow was my favorite color when I was little, too. My parents let me have lemon-yellow carpet when they put new carpeting in the bedrooms, and I was so thrilled.

Clearly further research is needed. :)

I love the yellow bedding! It'll age better than the mermaids.

Aftereffects.

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