rivka | (no subject)

Grief is kicking my ass today.

We went grocery shopping for the first time in two weeks. At the milk cooler, Alex was hopping around being helpful.

"Mom, do you need your yellow milk?" (Milk in the yellow carton is low-fat. She drinks whole milk, in the red carton.)

"No, I'm not going to buy any." I hate milk. I only consume it when I'm pregnant and need the extra calcium.

"But you don't have any yellow milk at home."

"I know. I'm not going to have any milk for a while."

We turn away from the case. She's still not done. "Mom, you drink special milk, right?"

Yes. When I was pregnant, I drank "special" low-fat milk that was just for me, not for underweight toddlers. I'm not pregnant now. I won't be buying any more low-fat milk unless I get pregnant again. Okay? We're not buying milk in the yellow carton BECAUSE THE BABY DIED.

I didn't say any of that. I just sent her off to the deli with Michael. And had the two of them play Letter Searchers in the check-out line so she wouldn't notice me crying.

OMG grief is just kicking my ass today.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh, man. Really truly wish I could fix it. I'm really touched at how considerate you're being of Alex in all this. I do think it's okay for her to see you cry in your grief, but I think it's really sweet that you're making the effort to let her know there's sadness without overwhelming her with it.

I agree that it's okay for her to see me cry... but not in the supermarket. That's a conversation I just don't want to have in public.

Yep. I'm happy to see you taking care of yourself. I hope it gets easier really soon.

This I understand on a whole-body level. I wish I could take some of the weight of maternal strength for you.