Conversations with my daughter.

[rivka]

It's bedtime. I tuck Alex in and reach for last night's bed companions: a stuffed mermaid and a doll named Everest.

"I don't want to sleep with them," Alex says. "They don't think a girl can get married to a girl. They think a girl can only marry a boy and a boy can only marry a girl." She picks up a tiny stuffed loon. "But Ducky believes that civil marriage is a civil right, so I'm letting him sleep here to honor him."

"...Okay," I said. "But I hope that Mermaid and Everest change their minds."

"They change their minds every day."

"Good."

...Tell me again where we draw the line between raising children with a strong sense of justice, and pushing our political opinions on our kids.

Comments

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

That's not so much of a line, per se. More of a minefield, I think.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

So long as your political opinions allow for or encourage a strong sense of justice, it's all good!

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

That's a truly, truly amazing conversation. Wow.

[aloha-moira.livejournal.com]

Up until age 7 or so I totally wanted to be a nun, so... I wouldn't worry that you're irreversibly indoctrinating her with your worldview. :)

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

It's your job to indoctrinate your kids. You just make sure to do so in such a way that they feel comfortable changing their minds when they get older, if they believe it's right to do so.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid you don't get there for another few years. You'll teach her to think carefully and independently, but right now, she's still at the "Mommy (and Daddy) knows *everything*!" stage.

I can understand how you feel, I think... but she's mirroring the way children mirror, as near as I can tell.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

There is no line, I think - children work out their thoughts about things inside frameworks given to them by adults, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. At her age my brother and I played "church" and "court" with our stuffed animals. I remember thinking that my toy sheep couldn't be on the jury when we played court because she was a girl, and since girls couldn't be priests it was logical that they couldn't be on juries either. We also always made my toy golliwog* the priest and the judge, because as a black guy he was cooler than everyone else, and his white-teddy-bear sidekick, Teddy, was generally the defendant and/or the deacon, because he was clearly less cool. All of those ideas--the pro-black ones and the anti-woman ones, and the obsession with church and the law--were just part of my family culture. Alex is play-acting how to disagree with friends and have boundaries determined by differing beliefs, which is a fine skill to have and seems like it's just part of your family culture, rather than a specific political agenda. When she gets to be old enough to potentially feel you're pushing beliefs on her, she'll have all the skills she needs to have a spirited disagreement.

Also, this particular play disagreement is extremely cute.

*made for me by a neighbor in England; my anti-racist parents were horrified but let me keep him because I loved him so much.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

Standing at the distance I do, I can't say anything with any authority. However, viewed through the lens of LiveJournal, I don't see you pushing anything.

You're influencing her every day by being honest about what you believe, and you'd do that whether you sat her down and forced her to listen to your opinions, or you and Michael just spoke about one issue or another while she was hiding behind the couch, listening without your knowledge, or she just learned her lessons from how you treat her.

I think Alex will grow up with a lot of your opinions, no matter what you do. That's how it worked with me, and it seems to work that way in general. (I could be wrong - I know as much about parenting as I do about building an atomic bomb.)

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

THIS.

N.

[ailbhe]

"No hitting, and no undermining the civil rights of others."

Sounds ok to me.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I fear that, this morning, Mermaid and Everest have not changed their minds. In fact, their position has hardened so much that they no longer believe it is acceptable to remain unmarried. According to Alex.

Good for Ducky!

[leewindauthor.livejournal.com]

And good for you and your daughter! These are the conversations that change our world for the better, and how fortunate for your daughter that you're brave enough to have them with her!

Also, like ailbhe said, "No hitting, and no undermining the civil rights of others" is something I want on a T-shirt!

I'd wear it proudly.
Namaste,
Lee

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

I thought the point was to indoctrinate them while they're still too little to protest.

I'm terribly sorry that Mermaid and Everest are being so close-minded. I do hope they come around.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

You know, considering the way those two were huddled in bed together, I begin to think that Mermaid and Everest are protesting too much. If you know what I mean.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I am trying to muster up a logical response but I am blinded with PURE LOVE for the Charlie icon.

Alex is play-acting how to disagree with friends and have boundaries determined by differing beliefs, which is a fine skill to have and seems like it's just part of your family culture

I hasten to clarify that I have never slept with someone "to honor him" (or her) for having the right political positions. But yeah, other than that.

[journeywoman.livejournal.com]

Kids have a natural sense of equity and fairness, at least when they're the ones being deprived of a turn at something. I think when a kid comments on something being unfair, that's a sense of justice. When they start repeating slogans, that's indoctrination.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think it was the fact that she said "civil marriage is a civil right" that made me a bit uneasy. She's quoting our window sign.

[redbird23.livejournal.com]

Is this your phrase? If so, can I steal it and have t-shirts printed to sell as a fundraiser for our social action fund at our UU church?

[ailbhe]

Yes, and sure.

[ailbhe]

I really do think it's just a extension of "no hitting," truly. At first it's just a rule, then they develop empathy and don't want *other* people to hit people because it hurts (while still wanting to do it themselves) and eventually they develop actual principles.

The part where you get out the rod of correction when she deviates from your moral code is the part you're missing, really.

[redbird23.livejournal.com]

Thanks, if it happens I'll let you know. And send a picture. :)

[lizzibabe.livejournal.com]

May I make that phrase into an LJ icon? It's delightful!

[ailbhe]

Er, yes, sure. I'd like to see it when it's done.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Although I bet you probably wouldn't sleep with anyone who didn't think that civil marriage was a civil right either ...

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

I agree with this and hope to be able to do so.

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

Let me know and I'll buy one to wear to my UU church.