Thank you for weighing in on this. You've been on my mind as I've been writing this - remembering that sermon you gave ...last year, I think?
The thing is those moments almost always FEEL rational. It feels like math: I am worth X, not dealing with my shit is worth Y, it's a simple equation. When I have stopped myself it's because some part of me understood that—if not for me, at least for others—X might be a little bigger than Y. I think having Final Exit there would be like taking a math test and writing X is less than Y, being in the middle of checking my work and having the teacher take it out of my hands and give it back to me with an A on it.
Yes, exactly this. This is such a clear way of putting it. I know you really understand the fragility and ambivalence of that moment, and how easy it would be to push someone in the direction of death.
(By the way: your value is approximately 643 zillion, by my calculation. Even without Lyn and the babies depending on you.)
no subject
The thing is those moments almost always FEEL rational. It feels like math: I am worth X, not dealing with my shit is worth Y, it's a simple equation. When I have stopped myself it's because some part of me understood that—if not for me, at least for others—X might be a little bigger than Y. I think having Final Exit there would be like taking a math test and writing X is less than Y, being in the middle of checking my work and having the teacher take it out of my hands and give it back to me with an A on it.
Yes, exactly this. This is such a clear way of putting it. I know you really understand the fragility and ambivalence of that moment, and how easy it would be to push someone in the direction of death.
(By the way: your value is approximately 643 zillion, by my calculation. Even without Lyn and the babies depending on you.)