(no subject)

[rivka]

My subconscious mind is so cute. Twice last night I had dreams whose purpose was so transparent that all I could do was laugh at myself. In the first one, my 6:15am Pilates class had been cancelled. I luxuriated in the knowledge that I could sleep an extra hour and a half, until, in my dream, Michael asked how I'd managed to find out that class was cancelled after I had gone to bed. Oh. In the second dream, I arrived at class to discover that everyone else was leaving. I looked at my watch and realized I had misread the time, and it was already 7:40. "There wasn't even any point in trying to make it to class," I said to myself. Heh. Subtle message, there, subconscious mind.

I got up at 5:45 and went to Pilates anyway. Today's class was harder than last week's, or at least involved more things that I had to modify. I was hampered in several of the exercises by my uneven arm lengths and unbendable right elbow. I was able to use yoga blocks to compensate somewhat for the arm length discrepancy, but several things continued to be difficult. It was hard to find the balance of what I could and couldn't - or should and shouldn't - do with my right arm.

I've spent the last twenty-nine years developing cheats and workarounds to compensate for my disabilities and the associated muscle weakness. Unless you've watched me with specific attention, you probably have no idea how extensive my workarounds are. I don't usually have any idea of how extensive they are - most of them are unconscious and automatic. I went through hard-core physical therapy a few years ago, and my therapist kept having to point out things I was doing: I flexed my left knee or put my left foot in front of the right to compensate for my leg length discrepancy, I took longer steps with the left leg than the right, I canted my hips when I stood still. I had never noticed.

I struggled in physical therapy. I was used to using my stronger muscles to carry my weaker ones, and yet the whole point of physical therapy was to isolate the weak muscles and use them. It was all about giving up the easier way and learning to use the hard way. It had benefits: I gained strength, reduced my limp, discovered that the world would not end if I agreed to wear a lift in my shoe (it's a long story), and significantly reduced the pain in my hip and knee. But giving up the compensatory tricks was hard, hard work - emotionally and physically. It felt as though I was being asked to make myself more disabled. After each of the first few sessions, I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried. I had flashbacks to elementary school, being made to put spools on pegs with my right hand when my left hand was clearly the one for the job. On a certain emotional level, it doesn't matter to me if there's a valuable purpose behind an exercise if it makes me feel clumsy and incapable. I really had to fight those feelings to make it through physical therapy.

Pilates is a lot like physical therapy. It's not as relentlessly focused on my particular weaknesses, but there's definitely an emphasis on using the proper muscles and the proper movements - you don't get to cheat and use your strong muscles to carry the weak ones. That wasn't a problem last week, because I could keep up with the rest of the class in almost every exercise. Today it was more difficult. I found myself struggling with clumsy-and-incapable feelings, and having to remind myself that there is nothing humiliating about working hard to obtain useful benefits. It helped to speak to the instructor after class, especially because she hadn't thought I'd failed miserably for the day. She reminded me that even when I am only capable of tiny movements I will still be working the designated muscles. I continue to like her a lot.

I still like Pilates. It's going to be emotional work as well as physical work, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'll definitely be in a better position now that I know to be vigilant for these feelings. And the whole episode has prompted some useful reflections.

Note: I would very much prefer not to receive either you-poor-thing or you're-so-brave responses to this post. Thanks.

Comments

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

1. I'm impressed with your instructor.

2. I'm impressed with your ability to sort through emotional reactions and deal with them appropriately. (This is not meant as a "you're-so-brave" and I apologize if it comes across that way.)

3. I'd be interested in the story behind your not wanting to use a lift in your shoe, if you're willing to tell it, but I'm not interested in pushing you to tell it if you don't want to.

4. I *really* need to get back into a yoga class.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I'm impressed with your ability to sort through emotional reactions and deal with them appropriately. (This is not meant as a "you're-so-brave" and I apologize if it comes across that way.)

It doesn't, and thank you. It's a skill I've worked hard to develop.

I'd be interested in the story behind your not wanting to use a lift in your shoe, if you're willing to tell it, but I'm not interested in pushing you to tell it if you don't want to.

I don't know how interesting it is, but I don't mind telling it.

I've always had a leg length discrepancy, and it got worse throughout my childhood. At the worst point, I had about a two-inch discrepancy and wore a 3/4 inch lift on the sole of my right shoe. The lifts I wore as a child were attached externally - an extra layer of rubber glued to the sole - so they were quite obvious. The lifts also could only be attached to particular shoes - not all shoes could take the extra weight, and the kind of adhesive they used only worked well on all-rubber soles.

I remember, in particular, being about twelve years old and going through a succession of four or five different pairs of school shoes trying to find a pair that would take a lift. We would buy a pair and take them to the lift guy, and he'd call back in a day or two to say we needed to bring in a different pair. So we'd go back to the store and get a pair I liked a little less, and try those, and on and on. It was frustrating, especially because I was at an age where fitting in and wearing the "right" things was starting to be a matter of more urgency. But it's probably also the case that shoes and lifts became the focus of a lot of my more general pre-teenaged frustration with the unfairness and hassle of having a disability which, at the time, was getting progressively worse. The shoes were a symbol for a lot of things which were difficult for me to articulate.

I had surgery when I was eleven to correct the leg length discrepancy. They destroyed the growth center in the knee of my longer leg in order to give the shorter leg an opportunity to catch up. It worked well enough that I was allowed to stop wearing lifts on my shoes, although it didn't come anywhere near eliminating the difference entirely. My hip replacement eventually helped a little more - they lengthened my femur a bit as a sort of a side benefit.

I now wear orthotics inside my shoes. The right one has a half-inch heel lift. It was a little weird to get used to, but now I much prefer it. And the world didn't even end a little bit. *grin*

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

How about a you-kick-ass response? :-)

Physically, emotionally, in all ways it is hard to break the habits that have formed around weaknesses, whether it's emotionally withdrawing because of fear of being hurt, or always using the stronger muscles to support the weaker ones. Changing deeply ingrained habits is difficult, and I think you rock because you're focusing on doing it, and not giving up.

And getting up early to do it. That's way beyond me :)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Pilates sounds fascinating to me, and I've been considering looking for classes once I can afford it.

[geminigirl]

Pilates rocks.

And you're new at it. It takes time to get your body to do what you want it to-at whatever level you're capable of, no matter what you're trying to learn to do. I fully expect that there will be some things I may never physically be capable of in karate and I'm okay with that as long as I can do the best I can, and work as hard as I can. I still get the benefits of doing it, and honestly that's what I'm after. I suspect the same, or similar is true for you and pilates.

Keep going. It will get better. Or you'll find out that it's not right for you, but no matter which way it goes, it's fine.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate -- and have always really appreciated as long as I've been reading your posts -- the way you're capable of talking about this stuff.

I've said before that the hardest things to "get over" are the things that were the coping mechanisms that helped you get through initially. That bit about the strong muscles carrying the weak ones is like a little illuminated illustration of that.

I'm not where you are, I haven't been able to put down this huge load of "just ignore that, it doesn't matter" that has been such a good coping mechanism for so long but which prevents me from putting myself in situations where it becomes obvious that it does matter, even if I want to be in them.

I haven't yet done it once. I'm still only glaring at people who won't stand up on the metro.

Reading this, it looks to me as if you have the disability stuff in a really emotionally healthy balanced place in your life.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i'm having a better time in tai chi so far than i'd expected. i'm about average for my class-- hurray!

i find it pleasing that you and i started taking exercise classes at about the same time. we can be exercise buddies!

Um, okay...

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

How about a "Pilates intimidates the hell out of me and anyone who does it has my admiration" post?

Re: Um, okay...

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Why does Pilates intimidate you?

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I have known a few people who did Pilates, and none of them has been able to describe it well enough for me to get a sense of it. So I hope you keep doing it, because your way of describing it gives me a useful glimpse.

Especially the part about it being emotional work. I didn't expect that.

[redbird]

They -- the ubiquitous "they" of parents, educators, etc. -- really ought to talk more about those unconscious adaptations. I suspect everyone does it--and I don't notice in time to stop, say, a pain in my left hip from spawning a pain in my right knee, and then in my left ankle, when I really need to rest.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

The husband and I have been working with a personal trainer for the past couple of months, getting us into the gym habit and started off right with our fitness program. I've watched the boi struggle with some of the same things you describe, not because he's got a disability, but simply because he's not ever been trained in anything physical (he used to fence, but that was many years ago).

As a result, he has a lot of bad habits, ways of overcompensating for weak muscles to make exercises "easier," which obviously got locked in when he was taking himself to the gym in Syracuse last year. And because he has never really had any formal movement experience, he doesn't really "get" the concept of isolating a muscle so our trainer is constantly having to correct him or even hold him physically still so he'll stop "cheating" on the movement. It's infinitely frustrating for him, because he naturally finds it so much harder to, for example, do tricep-pulldowns without sticking his elbows out.

It's also a source of low-level conflict between us, because while I started off more out of shape than him, I do have a physical sense of how to stop overcompensating and thus I've progressed faster and am catching up to him in weights, plus I get corrected less.

One thing I like about Pilates is that it feels sufficiently challenging for me to not get bored, because there's so much emphasis on doing the movements precisely rather than just doing them. Which is NOT easy, even with the relatively minor physical issues I have with my lower back and spine, so I can't imagine what it might be like if I had to make significant adjustments.

I appreciate the insight into your experience with physical therapy; it reminds me that there's probably a parallel with the work I do with clients, asking them to do things in new ways which make things harder temporarily because the old ways work but cause problems.

[geminigirl]

One thing I like about Pilates is that it feels sufficiently challenging for me to not get bored, because there's so much emphasis on doing the movements precisely rather than just doing them.

That's one of the things I've enjoyed about karate...that it takes enough focus that I can't be thinking about other things I have to concentrate on my movement and position and I'm not thinking about work or relationships or anything else.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

betnoir and I went to our first session of Pilates last night. More on that in my own journal later today, I think.

Sounds like your walk has probably changed as a result of the physical therapy. I'd like to see the change, sometime.

Thanks for what you wrote, it's been useful for my own ponderings on ability and disability.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Herm. I'd like to say something that's not, in my mind, a "you poor thing", or "you're so brave", but it could be taken that way. If you drop me an email, I'll tell you what it is, otherwise I won't take the chance.

However: it might help your mental peace to tell the teacher that you want her to ask you questions about your abilities... "Can you extend further than that? I don't think you're getting (this muscle group) working the way you should" is a made-up example of what I mean. If you know that she's interested in getting you to the limits of your abilities, and never assuming that you can't do something, you might feel more confident that, when she says you're doing something 'right' that you are.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

May I offer an "oh, lucky you!" response?

I've been wanting to take Pilates for ages, but the few classes around here are either during my working hours or are filled before I find out about them. There's supposed to be a new session starting up next term on campus, specifically for faculty, during the lunch hour. I'm crossing my fingers.

I want to take it for balance, mainly. Mine's grown progressively wobblier since I got bifocals, and I want to nip that in the bud.

(And I do think you're brave, so there. Anybody who'd voluntarily get up at 5:45 in the morning - *shudder* - is waaaaaay braver than I am!)

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

Have you considered Tai Chi for balance? It seemed to improve mine (although it wasn't *bad* specifically to begin with).

I've been doing Pilates with workout tapes. It almost certainly doesn't have the same impact as taking a class - but I'm in the same boat as you with finding one I can get to.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I second the Tai Chi suggestion. I took two terms of lunchtime classes before I became too busy at work to fit them in. One of the things our instructor would do was to have us do certain moves with our eyes closed, to teach us to use internal rather than external cues to balance. That sounds like it would be helpful, given the bifocal connection.

Pilates

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

The thing I have found comforting about Pilates for my poor muscles is that modifying the exercises still gets you a good workout. My modifications centre around underused abdominal muscles. My legs are really strong, and I tend to use them to get me through things when I can, but the necessity in Pilates to do things a certain way means I can't do that. I take comfort in knowing that even a little of the "right" way to do it helps.

Mind you, I am accustomed to slow and steady from Tai Chi. It took about a year for me to notice that Tai Chi had made a real difference to arm and leg muscles, as well as stamina. The change was so gradual, and the exercise felt so comfortable, that I just didn't realize my muscles were changing.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

Um.. excuse my ignorance, but what exactly IS (are?) Pilates anyway, and what are its benefits?

And how is it pronounced?

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

Hrm... How about a "thank you for being so articulate about stuff"? I'm always really fascinated to read your posts about movement and limitations, because it gives me not only insight into *your* world, but also a little bit of insight into how my world works sometimes...

You poor thing...

[popefelix.livejournal.com]

You have to deal with Pontii! Do they all fight over the sink, or are there enough sinks for all of them to wash their hands?