Find bad (fan)fiction fast!

[rivka]

Teresa Nielsen Hayden has an inspired post about - what's the opposite of optimizing? pessimizing, I guess - pessimizing Google searches for bad fiction. For example, "She loved him. She really loved him" is a very efficient filter for bad stories of all kinds. Someone in the comments suggests "steely blue gaze," which also seems to work well. "That fateful day" and "a new star in the" are recommended as bad poetry searches, but neither one is quite as efficient as a simple search on "poerty."

Recommendations for bad fanfic searches are in the comments. Teresa recommends, to good effect, beautiful shyly phaser as a search string for bad Trek fanfic. mirrorshades black leather gets you trite imitations of William Gibson. I hit pay dirt for Harry Potter fanfic (although it might have been too easy) with american transfer student hogwarts. Goodness.

This, for example, is from a story called "Harry Potter and the American Invasion." (Incidentally, the heroine of this story just happens to share a name with the author.)

There was something else though. Hermione noticed that all the guys in the hall were fixated on the girl. Looking at her, and feeling a pang of jealousy, Hermione realized why. Ellen's smile lit her whole face, including her bright green eyes. Her wavy, shoulder-length strawberry blonde hair glistened in the starlight from the enchanted ceiling. [...]

The sorting hat speaks:

"Hmmm.... What an interesting specimen we have here. You know quite a bit of magic already, don't you? Yes, very intelligent you are. Proud, and yet humble at the same time. Very brave, lots of courage here. And.. oh yes, definitely crafty too. Hmmm.... Where should I place you?"

Can you guess where Mary S- um, I mean, Ellen gets sorted? Can you? You'll never... okay, it's Gryffindor. Big surprise. Whereupon:

"You're Harry Potter! Glad to meet you," she said, extending her hand. Harry shook it. "Sorry I cut you off, Harry. I mean, I just know who you are because we learned about you in school. And I just want to let you know up front, that I'm not going to be one of those people who fawns over you all the time. No disrespect meant by it, I just know how I feel when people do it to me. So, I try hard not to do it to others."

Ellen smiled around at them, and they all felt themselves taking an instant liking to her.

Okay, it makes me cringe, but at least it shows a reasonably adept grasp of the English language. At Godawful Fan Fiction, however, that's apparently asking for far too much.

Take, for example, the Lord of the Rings story in which Legolas finds an abandoned child in the woods, adopts her, and (coincidentally, I'm sure) names her after the author of the story. Here's a sample paragraph:

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

There's also a lovely Lion King story which apparently takes place in the social microcosm of an American high school, only with lions:

Mufasa went up to Saziah and told her that Sarabi had had sex with Scar and told Saziah stuff that Sarabi said about him. Of course, Sarabi had never done that. Scar found out when Saziah told him, "All that stuff Sarabi said about you wasn't true." "Huh?" "Well, Mufasa said that Sarabi said when ya'll had sex--" "What? Me and Sarabi? I never did that!!! You were my first! And I'm happy you were!!" "Oh, I believe you. You were my first too." "Don't tell anything to Mufasa."

I draw a veil over the story that begins with Legolas and an Original Female Character sitting on a beach in Hawaii. Also the Lion King/Star Wars crossover fic. Also the transcription of an IM conversation between Mulder and Scully. No, wait, I need to quote that one.

Trustno1- *lol* Sculliiiieeee!

DKscully- What??

Trustno1- I only trust you!

DKScully-*lol*You're funny Mulder!

Trustno1- Y R U laughing??

DKScully- You don't trust me!!

Trustno1- @--}-- (rose for Scully)

DKScully- Thx

But you really must read Picard's Illumination - in which a beautiful and heroic young woman (who again just happens to have the same name as the story author) kills herself with an eyelash and a fingernail clipping, sending Picard into a frenzy of guilt-ridden grief - for yourself. My words can't do it justice.