Find bad (fan)fiction fast!
Mar. 7th, 2003 06:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaTeresa Nielsen Hayden has an inspired post about - what's the opposite of optimizing? pessimizing, I guess - pessimizing Google searches for bad fiction. For example, "She loved him. She really loved him" is a very efficient filter for bad stories of all kinds. Someone in the comments suggests "steely blue gaze," which also seems to work well. "That fateful day" and "a new star in the" are recommended as bad poetry searches, but neither one is quite as efficient as a simple search on "poerty."
Recommendations for bad fanfic searches are in the comments. Teresa recommends, to good effect, beautiful shyly phaser as a search string for bad Trek fanfic. mirrorshades black leather gets you trite imitations of William Gibson. I hit pay dirt for Harry Potter fanfic (although it might have been too easy) with american transfer student hogwarts. Goodness.
This, for example, is from a story called "Harry Potter and the American Invasion." (Incidentally, the heroine of this story just happens to share a name with the author.)
Take, for example, the Lord of the Rings story in which Legolas finds an abandoned child in the woods, adopts her, and (coincidentally, I'm sure) names her after the author of the story. Here's a sample paragraph:
There's also a lovely Lion King story which apparently takes place in the social microcosm of an American high school, only with lions:
I draw a veil over the story that begins with Legolas and an Original Female Character sitting on a beach in Hawaii. Also the Lion King/Star Wars crossover fic. Also the transcription of an IM conversation between Mulder and Scully. No, wait, I need to quote that one.
Recommendations for bad fanfic searches are in the comments. Teresa recommends, to good effect, beautiful shyly phaser as a search string for bad Trek fanfic. mirrorshades black leather gets you trite imitations of William Gibson. I hit pay dirt for Harry Potter fanfic (although it might have been too easy) with american transfer student hogwarts. Goodness.
This, for example, is from a story called "Harry Potter and the American Invasion." (Incidentally, the heroine of this story just happens to share a name with the author.)
There was something else though. Hermione noticed that all the guys in the hall were fixated on the girl. Looking at her, and feeling a pang of jealousy, Hermione realized why. Ellen's smile lit her whole face, including her bright green eyes. Her wavy, shoulder-length strawberry blonde hair glistened in the starlight from the enchanted ceiling. [...]The sorting hat speaks:
"Hmmm.... What an interesting specimen we have here. You know quite a bit of magic already, don't you? Yes, very intelligent you are. Proud, and yet humble at the same time. Very brave, lots of courage here. And.. oh yes, definitely crafty too. Hmmm.... Where should I place you?"Can you guess where Mary S- um, I mean, Ellen gets sorted? Can you? You'll never... okay, it's Gryffindor. Big surprise. Whereupon:
"You're Harry Potter! Glad to meet you," she said, extending her hand. Harry shook it. "Sorry I cut you off, Harry. I mean, I just know who you are because we learned about you in school. And I just want to let you know up front, that I'm not going to be one of those people who fawns over you all the time. No disrespect meant by it, I just know how I feel when people do it to me. So, I try hard not to do it to others."Okay, it makes me cringe, but at least it shows a reasonably adept grasp of the English language. At Godawful Fan Fiction, however, that's apparently asking for far too much.
Ellen smiled around at them, and they all felt themselves taking an instant liking to her.
Take, for example, the Lord of the Rings story in which Legolas finds an abandoned child in the woods, adopts her, and (coincidentally, I'm sure) names her after the author of the story. Here's a sample paragraph:
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".
There's also a lovely Lion King story which apparently takes place in the social microcosm of an American high school, only with lions:
Mufasa went up to Saziah and told her that Sarabi had had sex with Scar and told Saziah stuff that Sarabi said about him. Of course, Sarabi had never done that. Scar found out when Saziah told him, "All that stuff Sarabi said about you wasn't true." "Huh?" "Well, Mufasa said that Sarabi said when ya'll had sex--" "What? Me and Sarabi? I never did that!!! You were my first! And I'm happy you were!!" "Oh, I believe you. You were my first too." "Don't tell anything to Mufasa."
I draw a veil over the story that begins with Legolas and an Original Female Character sitting on a beach in Hawaii. Also the Lion King/Star Wars crossover fic. Also the transcription of an IM conversation between Mulder and Scully. No, wait, I need to quote that one.
Trustno1- *lol* Sculliiiieeee!But you really must read Picard's Illumination - in which a beautiful and heroic young woman (who again just happens to have the same name as the story author) kills herself with an eyelash and a fingernail clipping, sending Picard into a frenzy of guilt-ridden grief - for yourself. My words can't do it justice.
DKscully- What??
Trustno1- I only trust you!
DKScully-*lol*You're funny Mulder!
Trustno1- Y R U laughing??
DKScully- You don't trust me!!
Trustno1- @--}-- (rose for Scully)
DKScully- Thx
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 04:42 pm (UTC)-J
Re:
Date: 2003-03-07 04:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 05:29 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-03-07 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 07:12 pm (UTC)"never done this before" Harry
and see what you get.
I yelled "Bingo" when the third or fourth hit was something showing the following lines:
This was Malfoy's first time, he knew it as surely as if the other boy had told him.
I'm kinda sorry I followed the link, as it wasn't good enough to be good and wasn't bad enough to be good. But the Lubrication Charm did have me giggling.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 07:42 pm (UTC)It's a pleasant little distraction.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 06:22 pm (UTC)Fun with search engines. Who'da thunk?
string search, hairdos only
Date: 2003-03-07 06:28 pm (UTC)"grizzled beard"
"honey locks"
"raven tresses"
(or, for fanfic hits, "scarlet tresses")
"tousled curls"
It hurts! It huuuuuuurts! And I haven't even *looked* yet!
Re: string search, hairdos only
Date: 2003-03-07 06:32 pm (UTC)Re: string search, hairdos only
Date: 2003-03-07 07:45 pm (UTC)Re: string search, hairdos only
Date: 2003-03-09 07:06 am (UTC)I've always favored eyes, myself. A search under "cerulean eyes" brought forth this gem...
"Aren’t half-Gods such whiners? cooes an estatic Iolaus his blue cerulean eyes gleaming with mischief...his curly blond hair unbrushed..."Atchoo!" sneezes Iolaus...
Jester finishes cooking the fish. He hands the fish to both Hercules and Iolaus. Everyone sits by the fire and quietly eats their fish except for Jester. The Jester then hands both Hercules and Iolaus their echinacea tea and makes them both swallow it.
A search for "glittering orbs" sent me to this Legend of Zelda 'fic, although I must say that I found the more interesting turn of phrase in the first paragraph. I mean, "vestigial eyelashes"?
Impa smiled. The tattoos surrounding her eyes like waxy, vestigial eyelashes caught the outside light as she looked up at her charge. "The beginning stanzas of "The Weaver's Ballad". It is... was... a very popular song that only mothers could share with their families by tradition. It stated the rules of the Forest and the Land that the Weaver owned."
"Nice song," Ruto grinned from where she peeked, standing upon the horse-driver's seat, her eyes bright glittering orbs from where she leaned over. "Who's this Weaver person? What's he got to do with anything?"
Re: string search, hairdos only
Date: 2003-03-09 07:08 am (UTC)Uh, I guess. *grin*
Re: string search, hairdos only
Date: 2003-03-09 07:16 am (UTC)Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-07 06:45 pm (UTC)I can only thank what providence there may be that there was no internet when I was a young teenager.
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-07 07:07 pm (UTC)(Coruscating is a word from one of my favorite pieces of bad fiction. I believe it modifies the many-fauceted scarlet emerald at one point.)
My favorite bits from Picard's Illumination are
Gentleman that he is, he would always strive to make a woman, especially one who had just saved his life, comfortable.
and
“I (hic) loved (hic) her!”
I was a little worried until I hit the second comma in the first one. And I'm not sure I buy four exclamation points for Picard in the paragraph containing the second one. It seems to me that three would have sufficed..
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-07 07:41 pm (UTC)Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-07 09:16 pm (UTC)It disturbs me that you think I'm capable of making that sort of thing up.
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-07 09:52 pm (UTC)Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-09 07:13 am (UTC)That, and I want a Romulan Raspberry Truffle.
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-08 05:16 am (UTC)Coruscating is, as I suspect you already know, one of the adjectives Doc Smith used over and over again (along with polychromatic) to describe lenses. In later years he threw in an occassional "scintillating" but by that time "coruscating polychromatic lens of the Galactic Patrol" was practically a trademark phrase. I suspect he used it that way deliberately.
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-08 11:02 am (UTC)Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-08 11:10 am (UTC)A tightly rung elliptical circle or torches cast their wavering shafts prancing morbidly over the smooth surface of a rectangular, ridged alter. Expertly chisled forms of grotesque gargoyles graced the oblique rim protruberating the length of the grim orifice of death, staring forever ahead into nothingness in complete ignorance of the bloody rites enacted in their prescence. Brown flaking stains decorated the golden surface of the ridge surrounding the alter, which banked to a small slit at the lower right hand corner of the altar. The slit stood above a crudely pounded pail which had several silver meshed chalices hanging at its sides. Dangling at the rimof golden mallet, the handle of which was engraved with images of twisted faces and groved at its far end with slots designed for a snug hand grip. The head of the mallet was slightly larger than a clenched fist and shaped into a smooth oval mass.
Encircling the marble altar was a congregation of leering shamen. Eerie chants of a bygone age, originating unknown eons before the memory of man, were being uttered from the buried recesses of the acolytes' deep lings. Orange paint was smeared in generous globules over the tops of thw Priests' wrinkled shaven scalps, while golden rings projected from the lobes of their pink ears. Ornate robes of lusciour purple satin enclosed their bulging torsos, attached around their waists with silvered silk lashes latched with ebony buckles in the shape of morose mis-shaped skulls. Dangling around their necks were oval fashoned medalions held by thin gold chains, featuring in their centers blood red rubys which resembled crimson fetish eyeballs. Cushoning their bare feet were plush red felt slippers with pointed golden spikes projecting from their tips.
Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety. The shimmering green idol was placed in a sitting posture on an ornately carved golden throne raised upon a round, dvory plated dias; it bulging arms and webbed hands resting on the padded arms of the seat. Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coils hanging over its oblong ears, which tappered off to thin hollow points. Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils. Dramatic beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth, giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.
At the foot of the heathen diety a slender, pale faced female, naked but for a golden, jeweled harness enshrouding her huge outcropping breasts, supporting long silver laces which extended to her thigh, stood before the pearl white field with noticable shivers traveling up and down the length of her exquisitely molded body. Her delicate lips trembled beneath soft narrow hands as she attemped to conceal herself from the piercing stare of the ambivalent idol.
Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety. Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald, a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own. A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires...the eye of Argon.
Much more at the link!
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-08 04:22 pm (UTC)So helpful, that Rivka. So helpful. And cheerfully offering more.
I broke at "protruberating".
Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-08 10:56 pm (UTC)Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-09 07:00 am (UTC)Re: Picard's Illumination
Date: 2003-03-09 07:15 am (UTC)Eye of Argon
Date: 2003-03-09 08:06 am (UTC)(Though I will confess that the boy and I keeled over and laughed our asses off for 5 minutes at this line from his current read: "She squeezed his hand, and he raised it to his lips and kissed it.")
no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-09 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 07:23 pm (UTC)Also, any fic where eyes are referred to as "orbs" or breasts referred to as "mounds" earns an automatic Godawful rating in my book. I don't know how one would search for such a thing, but trust me, it's out there.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 08:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-07 08:17 pm (UTC)I think my cranium just broke!!! Maybe I should have weird TV AND fanfic night!
no subject
Date: 2003-03-08 10:59 pm (UTC)Kevin Smith
Date: 2003-03-08 05:05 pm (UTC)