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Jun. 4th, 2003 11:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaOkay, so the next time I post something as an anchor for introspection, I'll disable comments. I wasn't particularly looking for responses, and I especially wasn't looking for a combination of people assuring me that my life is already exactly the way I want it to be, and people mocking me for using language they wouldn't use.
The original post came out of the realization - spurred by last Sunday's sermon ("Living Deeply"), a couple of conversations with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
curiousangel, and a general sense of malaise - that I spend a lot of time doing things that are neither constructive nor particularly enjoyable.
The major goals in my life - my career, my overall life plans - seem to be pretty much on track. But on the micro level, hour by hour... I spend hours surfing the net sometimes, and realize at the end of it that I wasn't really interested in anything I saw. I neglect friends I care about - I owe more e-mail than I could ever, ever catch up - and I neglect hobbies I enjoy. I do a lot of parallel play with Michael - watching baseball on TV, reading side-by-side, going to church together - but we don't have as much direct interaction as... as we should. As we used to. As I'd like. I've stopped exercising, despite knowing perfectly well that it felt good and I liked the results.
"Gee,rivka, that sounds like depression." It hasn't escaped my notice that it does, and I think I probably am somewhat depressed. I haven't ruled out seeking treatment, but I think that the important thing right now is to work on incorporating more meaningful and pleasurable elements into my life. I want to be doing things because they're the things I want to do, and not because they're just what's there.
I've been fantasizing a lot about what life will be like when we move into our new downtown house. I see myself walking more, learning about the area and its history, going to more concerts and museums because they'll be close by and convenient, entertaining more, sitting in cafes reading and feeling connected to a neighborhood. I'm hoping to use this move as a fresh start, to help me make changes so that the life I actually live is more like the life I want to live. Not just in the sense that, overall, I feel as though I'm pointed in the right direction - but feeling more satisfied with what I'm doing at any particular moment.
Long way to go.
The original post came out of the realization - spurred by last Sunday's sermon ("Living Deeply"), a couple of conversations with
curiousangel, and a general sense of malaise - that I spend a lot of time doing things that are neither constructive nor particularly enjoyable. The major goals in my life - my career, my overall life plans - seem to be pretty much on track. But on the micro level, hour by hour... I spend hours surfing the net sometimes, and realize at the end of it that I wasn't really interested in anything I saw. I neglect friends I care about - I owe more e-mail than I could ever, ever catch up - and I neglect hobbies I enjoy. I do a lot of parallel play with Michael - watching baseball on TV, reading side-by-side, going to church together - but we don't have as much direct interaction as... as we should. As we used to. As I'd like. I've stopped exercising, despite knowing perfectly well that it felt good and I liked the results.
"Gee,
rivka, that sounds like depression." It hasn't escaped my notice that it does, and I think I probably am somewhat depressed. I haven't ruled out seeking treatment, but I think that the important thing right now is to work on incorporating more meaningful and pleasurable elements into my life. I want to be doing things because they're the things I want to do, and not because they're just what's there.I've been fantasizing a lot about what life will be like when we move into our new downtown house. I see myself walking more, learning about the area and its history, going to more concerts and museums because they'll be close by and convenient, entertaining more, sitting in cafes reading and feeling connected to a neighborhood. I'm hoping to use this move as a fresh start, to help me make changes so that the life I actually live is more like the life I want to live. Not just in the sense that, overall, I feel as though I'm pointed in the right direction - but feeling more satisfied with what I'm doing at any particular moment.
Long way to go.
