(no subject)

[rivka]

"The American Psychological Association (APA) recently released a statement urging greater national attention to the maltreatment of children with disabilities (APA, 2003). The APA's call for further research, clinical care, and public policy directed at maltreated disabled children signals that despite thirty years of evidence linking maltreatment and disabilities, key research questions have not been answered and many of the needs of this vulnerable population have not been met."

-- New opening sentences of rivka's dissertation, replacing both the original dull and uninspired first sentence and the perhaps a trifle too inspired "Don't call me Ishmael."

Comments

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Excellent opening. Makes me want to read more; here's hoping your committee does, too!

[wcg.livejournal.com]

All right! That'll grab 'em.

A question

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

Is this post a request for attagirls or a request for editorial suggestions?

Re: A question

[ex-helygen254.livejournal.com]

Embrace the power of 'and'?

Myself, I'll stick to: attagirl!

Re: A question

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I'll take suggestions.

Re: A question

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I didn't want to presume. Also,

"Way to go, Rivka!"

The APA's call for further research, clinical care, and public policy directed at maltreated disabled children signals that despite thirty years of evidence linking maltreatment and disabilities, key research questions have not been answered and many of the needs of this vulnerable population have not been met.

I think it is a good sentence nut that you re-use too many words within it: "maltreat", "research", and "not". Also, the use of "at" and "that" in such close proximity sounds odd to me (but that may just be my ear).

One suggested revision

"The APA's call for further research, clinical care, and public policy directed towards maltreated disabled children signals that despite thirty years of evidence linking maltreatment and disabilities, key questions have not been asked and many of the needs of this vulnerable population remain unmet."

As with any of my suggestions, feel free to toss it in the rubbish bin.

Re: A question

[rivka.livejournal.com]

The research questions have been asked, they just haven't been answered. I mean, twenty years of literature reviews have asked the same damn questions over and over.

I had "remain unmet" in my original wording, and I changed it to "have not been met" so that there would be parallel structure. I don't know which way I want to go with that.

I'm keeping the second instance of "research," but I accept your change of "at" to "towards." Unless I want to recast the first part of the sentence as "The APA's call for a greater research, clinical care, and public policy focus on maltreated disabled children..."

Hmm.

Re: A question

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Okay, never mind that "recast" version. That would be bad.

Re: A question

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

Okay, let me offer this as another option for the second part of the sentence:

"The APA's call for further research, clinical care, and public policy directed towards maltreated disabled children signals that despite thirty years of evidence linking maltreatment and disabilities, key questions remain unanswered leaving many of the needs of this vulnerable population [adverb] unmet."

It gives you the parallel structure and moves the sentence forward. The [adverb] is optional but I think it would give the sentence a better flow. I'm thinking "woefully" would bea good one to use.

How does that sound to you?

[thbeatnik.livejournal.com]

I like it; it establishes a need which your research can help to fulfill. The lead-in establishes that your work not only has academic value, but societal merit as well. I'd think that that should pique their interest, and draw them into the body of your dissertation.

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

I really like this. As someone else said, now I want to read more. Don't fuss with the sentence too much!

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I think, to be utterly colloquial, that that's a bangup first sentence for your diss.

If you take RJ's suggestion of "towards", my editorial ear wants to make it "toward". I believe that's the more correct subject-verb agreement in this case.

And by the way, "go, you!"