Grr.

[rivka]

rivka:
> > Did you intend to insult me with the "Piled Higher
> > and Deeper" part, or did you not realize that it
> > refers to *shit* being piled higher and deeper?

Someone else, not the original poster:
> Of course; it's a geometric progression (or worse):
>
> BSc -- Bullshit certificate
> MSc -- More shit certificate
> PhD -- Piled higher and deeper.
>
> Felicitations and salutations -- nobody will ever know
> what agonies you went through for that worthless piece
> of paper but you. Treasure those happy memories for they
> will sustain you in the trials to come.
>
> I'm not good at this sort of thing, as you may have surmised.

rivka:
If you were aiming at taking me down a peg, undercutting
my pleasant sense of accomplishment, or devaluing eight
years' worth of hard work, you're on the right track. If
that's not what you meant to be doing, well, maybe next
time you should stick to "felicitations" and leave it at
that.

I know I'm supposed to take this as all in good fun, but
I've spent eight years of my life working very hard,
earning very little, forgoing many pleasures, and postponing
other significant life goals. I don't know what prompts you
to tell me that my degree is worthless and my work is a
shitpile, but forgive me if I don't really have a sense
of humor about it.

---

Okay, I feel as though I've completely lost my shit here - or at least, my sense of perspective. But these comments just feel hostile to me. I'm sure he thinks he's just teasing and I know I'm supposed to be a good sport about it. And maybe if I weren't still so tired from the whole ordeal I would be a good sport about it. Or if it was someone I knew so well that their supportiveness could be taken for granted, and we had a pre-existing teasing relationship. In the absence of those factors, I feel as though I'm being told not to get above myself.

Comments

[baratron.livejournal.com]

> Felicitations and salutations -- nobody will ever know
> what agonies you went through for that worthless piece
> of paper but you. Treasure those happy memories for they
> will sustain you in the trials to come.

The funny thing is, subtract the word "worthless" from that paragraph, and it reads as a perfectly sincere congratulation. And it's absolutely true - no one, not even your partners who've held you together through crises and tantrums really understand what it's like! Even someone else with a PhD can't possibly know what it felt like to be you doing yours.

[thbeatnik.livejournal.com]

If we're going to do wordplay with the initials, why not call it a
Pretty
Hefty
Distinction, which I believe it is?

Regards,
The Beatnik,

Proud to
Have the acquaintance of a truly deserving
Doctor. :)

[supergee.livejournal.com]

I'm tempted to write a lot of this off to Fannish Social Incompetence Disorder, though that may be projection on my part. The first clown is repeating an ancient witticism (or half thereof) in the belief that this is appropriate congratulatory behavior; the second is attempting sympathetic commiseration about the effort it took and the presumed lack of recompense such worthy efforts bring. But I certainly could be mistaken.

[eeyorerin]

This exchange reminded me of the first chapter of Judith Martin's Miss Manners' Basic Training: the Right Thing to Say. Here's some of why.

"In the heady era of believing that we are all born bursting with creativity, the conventional phrases society uttered for marking the convetional events of life were cast aside as insufficient and insincere. [...] But what? the suggestion -- not a noticeably original idea, by the way -- was that people should consult their feelings and then improvise remarks based on their emotions. [...] Searching their hearts, most people came up with the idea of talking about themselves or critiquing others. They took friends' milestones and predicaments as opportunities to recount their own past experiences, thus eclipsing anybody else's current situation by putting the spotlight on themselves. When they did think about what was happening to their friends, they expressed how envious or relieved they were that it wasn't happening to them. [...] The most emotionally devastating remarks were made to those who most genuinely wanted to enter into other people's joys and sorrows. Under the mistaken notion that the right words could fundamentally alter the situation for the better, they tried to make the newly bereaved cheerful and the newly engaged cautious. Or, knowing that such consolation and counsel had cruel results, they admitted that they didn't know what to say -- and offended people with their silence. (pp. 1-3)"

"People whose lives are being enriched often take the simple view that if life is good, one should be happy -- and the outrageous view that their friends should be happy for them. They would enjoy hearing their friends say so, in those highly conventional ways. (p. 7)"

[liveavatar.livejournal.com]

... and a similar group of people would like to hear that happiness expressed in a more personal, less formulaic way. I love Miss Manners, and recall the above passages; nevertheless, her books usually pair her generic advice with specific, concrete examples that illuminate the times when generic advice is insufficient.

I do expect my own friends to be happy for me, and eventually weed out the ones who aren't. But if my friends only expressed their delight at my achievements in "highly conventional" phrases, I'd think they didn't care much.

In short, One Size Does Not Fit All.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

...the thing which you have worked through tears and sweat for, the thing which adds valuable knowledge to your field, the thing which might help improve lives, worthless?! I think not.

Anything that has to be defended with "it's just a joke, get over it..." Feh. I can understand "I meant to be funny, but I'm sorry, that was stupid of me". Malapropism is one thing, that just looks like malice.

To me, anyway.

[womzilla.livejournal.com]

I think your initial reaction was, perhaps, overly defensive, but not unreasonable. The second poster dug himself into a hole very badly, and owes you an apology, but probably meant no actual harm and was just being a clod. There is a wide gap in the world between "clods" and "active menaces".

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I think the second poster was way out of line. Zie was probably well-intentioned, but zie completely failed to take account of the fact that you were already offended by the original comment. Continuing in the same vein after you had already made that clear was extremely insensitive.