(no subject)

[rivka]

I have a Thing about shoes.

No, not the stereotypical woman's Thing about shoes. Buying shoes ranks approximately one millionth on my list of favorite things to do. I wear my shoes, quite literally, to pieces. I walked around for six weeks this summer with a hole in the bottom of my sandal, inadequately fixed with duct tape. Then I got the sandals resoled so I wouldn't have to buy new ones. On my lone pair of pumps, the heel is worn down to the plastic underneath the sole. I'm pissed off about it because I only bought them, like, a year and a half ago and I wasn't supposed to have to buy new pumps for a long time. My sneakers are worn down so that the undersole is exposed. My loafers have come partly unstitched. Every pair of shoes I have needs to be replaced, except for the resoled sandals and my hiking boots.

I've been telling myself not to go shopping for shoes because we're trying to be careful with our money, but that's so obviously an excuse that it doesn't even fool me. We don't need to be so careful with our money that I have to wear broken shoes. And I have vast quantities of untapped credit.

I don't like shopping for things to wear in general, but my Thing about shoes is pretty clearly a disability thing. Even now that I'm less disabled than ever, I have to buy shoes that I can wear with my custom orthotics, one of which has a half-inch heel lift. My shoes need to be big enough that I can fit the orthotics in, but not so big that they fall off my feet. They need to have non-slip soles because my balance isn't great. They need to be able to handle the extra weight of the orthotic without coming apart.

Some kinds of shoes, I can buy ordinary kinds. My sneakers and hiking boots came from ordinary stores, have plenty of room for the orthotics, and stay on my feet. They fit fine. But women's dress shoes are an entirely different matter. I can't wear orthotics in my pumps, so instead I wear a little rubber heel wedge as a compromise solution. You can't buy dress shoes in an ordinary store that will fit some big hulking plastic thing.

All summer I wore my sandals and didn't worry about not having any proper dress shoes. (I wore the worn-down pumps for my dissertation defense, and they were fine for a couple of hours.) But today I had to choose between the worn-down pumps and a pair of dress shoes that aren't worn out but don't fit very well. I chose the pair that don't fit very well, and I've been slipping around in them all day, and enough has become enough.

I just put in an order for these, from the same orthopedic shoe company that made my sandals. I've spent the hour since I placed the order wanting to cry. And I know that I'm going to have to do this again and again. I have to replace my loafers. I need new sneakers. I can't keep making do with broken, worn-out shoes.

Why, if I'm so goddamned well-adjusted about every other aspect of my disability, is it so fucking hard for me to buy a pair of shoes?

Comments

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i have no helpfulness, just envy. the shoes you just ordered are gorgeous. i'm sorry ordering them was hard, but oh, the cuteness!

*hug*

[okoshun.livejournal.com]

I was thinking the same thing - the shoes are fantastically cute. Exactly like the ones I keep picking up and thinking of buying (and then putting back down because I already have my 1 pair of black dress shoes).

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

I can't speak to your issues about shoes, except to remark that you have great taste in them.

{comes around and joins the other side of the betsy hug}

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

Well, for what it's worth, I think the shoes you ordered are way cute.

I'm kinda bad about buying shoes, although not nearly as cranky as you are. My first problem is that I dislike the entire concept. Yeah, I need them for the cold and wet, but other than that, I consider them an imposition on my foot freedom. My toes desire to roam free, and boxing them up never sounds like an attractive option.

Also, because I got my growth early, at some impressionable age I thought that my feet were way too big. They're not, actually, but I still feel like that.

And the third problem that I have is that I hate most current styles right now. I don't want to wear hears for non-dressy shoes. I don't want square or pointy toes. Dexters are pretty good, because they are made for reasonable women, but anything remotely fashionable just gets up my nose, because they look so oppressive.

I'm sorry this is hard for you.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

:( I think that everybody has the thing that reminds them of all the issues that they thought they'd completely gotten over in their life, and the thing is often some small, seemingly trivial detail. That makes it even harder, sometimes, because it's difficult to justify the level of feeling over such a seemingly small thing.

Perhaps they're just reminders of the complex and flawed thing that is humanity. Perhaps they're reminders that the pains we've gone through to get where we are will always be a part of the composite us that we each continue to be. Perhaps they're just little threads that pop out that need to be trimmed from time to time.

I hope that the new shoes work out well for you and that the hurt of facing up to your demons passes soon.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I think that everybody has the thing that reminds them of all the issues that they thought they'd completely gotten over in their life, and the thing is often some small, seemingly trivial detail. That makes it even harder, sometimes, because it's difficult to justify the level of feeling over such a seemingly small thing.

You know, that makes an awful lot of sense. It helps to look at it from that perspective. Thanks.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, that's an AWESOME user icon!

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Hey, those are cute! I'm a total shoe snob, and I'd wear those in a heartbeat. In fact I might go look for the ordinary-store equivalent, since my black pumps Went Evil on me over the summer.

If it's any consolation (and no, I don't really expect it to be), I have a similar Thing about buying underwear, particularly bras. I have a reasonably realistic body image, but every time I notice that my bras are falling apart, I get all panicky about how imperfect my body is. I suppose my point is something along the lines of, "It's ridiculous to have these Things, but at least we know we're doing it, and at least it's channeled into these relatively nonpernicious areas." Tell you what--you buy my bras, and I'll buy your shoes, and then we'll buy each other therapeutic tea and chocolate.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation (and no, I don't really expect it to be), I have a similar Thing about buying underwear, particularly bras. I have a reasonably realistic body image, but every time I notice that my bras are falling apart, I get all panicky about how imperfect my body is.

Actually, it is some consolation, because it makes me feel like less of an oddball freak. Thanks.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have a similar thing about buying pants. I either wore worn-out or ill-fitting pants/jeans for years, or avoided wearing them altogether, so I would not have to deal with the horror that is pants-buying. My hips and waist are currently larger than I'd like, my hip-to-waist ratio is utterly unaccounted for by manufacturers, and my leg length is evidently five inches shorter than the "petite" styles are cut for, which means tiresome shortening (which I always mess up somehow). So I hate buying pants with a passion, as it makes me angry at the fashion industry and annoyed with myself.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if this is an appropriate remark, but I'll offer it anyway. I think I have some sympathy for your hatred of and distress at buying shoes, in that I can relate it to my own hatred of and distress at buying clothing. However, I feel as though I have no right to claim that sympathy, in that your pain was caused by a disability over which you had no control, whereas mine was caused by being fat, which was entirely my own fault.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

It makes sense that you'd feel sympathy, and I thank you for it.

I would say, though, that

your pain was caused by a disability over which you had no control

isn't quite how I see it. My pain in my hip is definitely caused by a disability over which I had no control, but my pain about shoes is caused by my emotional reactions to my disability, which hypothetically are under my control.

So I guess I'm saying that I don't think I have any more, or less, "right" to sympathy about the shoe thing than you do about the clothes thing. How about if we sympathize with each other regardless?

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

How about if we sympathize with each other regardless?

I find myself wanting to argue that your emotional pain resulting from a situation that is not your fault is far more justified than my emotional pain resulting from a situation that is my fault, but I suspect it would just go 'round in circles.

Anyway, you're the expert about emotions, and so I will defer to your greater education, and take you up on the offer of and for mutual sympathy.

commiserations -

[persimmon.livejournal.com]

I've broken my right foot three times, and it's now quite difficult to find anything to accommodate the resulting shape of foot. Would it perhaps be worth considering boots? If you go for something in a sort of dress riding boot, there's room enough for your orthotics, the heel isn't very high, and they'll wear with long skirts as well as pants.

Re: commiserations -

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

I was thinking the same thing; I have a pair of smart leather ankle-height boots that lace up and I like them because I can wear really thick socks with them if it is cold, or nylons if it is warm, and they still fit.

Re: commiserations -

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I do have a pair of ankle boots that are not too horribly worn down, and I wear them a lot in the winter. But there are some things you absolutely need pumps for - like, for example, wearing a suit. And dancing. So boots are a good general option, but they're not sufficient to all my shoe-wearing needs.

Re: commiserations -

[persimmon.livejournal.com]

Yes, there are times when pumps are necessary. If you can find some that fit and you like, and it's financially possible, would it be worth considering buying two pairs, possibly in different colours? If you alternate wearing them, both pairs will then last much longer, and so you put off the evil day of shopping for new ones.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I suspect that was mostly a rhetorical question, but my answer to the last line of your entry would be that there are far more hours of anguish bound up in shoes than in anything else.

Being a woman uninterested in shoes is a hard thing anyway, even without disability issues worked in.

I don't know if it's any comfort to know that I'm having a raftload of grumpiness about shoeshopping these days, because all the shoe manufacturers have decided that my foot-type doesn't exist anymore. I'm pondering going into custom shoemaking in order to deal with it.

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

Shoes!%*#%!

I don't know about your shoe size but mine is narrower than most shoe makers' lasts. Especially in the heel, so I can very much understand. I also have to have orthodics, though not extreme ones, for arch supports otherwise my knee swells up.

I wear all of my tennis shoes out completely. Anything that even begins to fit. But pumps... I have a pair that has lasted me about 15 years, which tells you how much I really wear them.

On the emotion side, I often have extreme reactions to things that I don't feel I can control. I get angry when I know that I have to deal with something like shoes, for which I don't have a good source. It is very frustrating to know just what I need, know that I once could have gotten what I need, before all the manufacturing got shipped to China and they reduced the sizes to the ones that sell the best. Grrr.

On a lighter note, anyone know where I can get a pair of wingtips in a women's size 9 1/2 AA? I need dress shoes for my tux....

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I have short wide feet with high arches and high insteps, and my toes come to a point in the front, because I have a really long second toe and a really short pinky toe. As a result, I really love pointy-toed shoes, but recently shoe designers have been going for square or round toes, and those always hurt my feet.

But that's not at all the same, I don't think, as the frustration of needing to find shoes that fit orthotics.

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

My problems are almost exactly opposite. I have flat feet, a long big toe, and narrow heels. When they measure my foot everyone thinks I should wear a medium, but mediums are always too short and too wide... Square toes help, pointy toes hurt!

BTW did you know there is a branch of archology that deals with feet? In Brittian, for some eras, they can pretty much be sure of which group a skeleton comes from due to their feet! This discovery was made by some archeologist's secretary....

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

My problems are almost exactly opposite. I have flat feet, a long big toe, and narrow heels. When they measure my foot everyone thinks I should wear a medium, but mediums are always too short and too wide... Square toes help, pointy toes hurt!

BTW did you know there is a branch of archology that deals with feet? In Brittian, for some eras, they can pretty much be sure of which group a skeleton comes from due to their feet! This discovery was made by some archeologist's secretary....

[trinker.livejournal.com]

-sigh-

I wish there was some sort of neat compromise between fashion and comfort. I find that for me, the shoes that are supposed to be "comfortable" are generally not. Birkenstocks, so beloved by so many, have an annoying habit of compressing that long toe of mine.

Getting back to Rivka's original comment, I think that part of it is the same sensation I have about shoe shopping, and that many other women I know have about jeans. There's something disheartening about knowing that one is going to have to go through the entire long process of frustration again.

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

Don't get me started about jean shopping!!!

I don't care for Birkenstocks either..
This conversation gives me hope for the resurgence of well crafted clothes and shoes. Where there is a market, eventually someone will fill it.

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

I've been doing some shoe shopping lately and point toes (and stiletto heels) are coming back.

MKK

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Alas, the pointy toed flats I've seen recently have a ridiculous 1" STILETTO heel. Bleah. It's a look that makes me appear really, really chunky legged. Vanity, yes, but...

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

I hear your pain. I too have AA feet (and 5A heels) which manufacturers of fashionable shoes don't want to cater for. I've been told that directly and unambiguously by shoe store personnel.

As far as atheletic shoes; I find that Easy Spirits are my best bet. The come in narrow and since they lace all the way up are pretty flexible as to fit.

MKK

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'll look for them.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Those are cute shoes, BTW.

In your the post you linked to, you mention that, as a teenager, the shoes became focus of frustration about your disability. Could something like that still be happening here, even though you can now articulate your frustration?

As a mother of a child with a (relatively mild) neurological disability I think I may have some similar feelings sometimes. There are some things I deal with with my son that are relatively minor in the scheme of things, but which upset me all out of proportion, simply because they are a reminder that although his condition can get better and he can learn to cope and thrive in the world, it is never going to go away and he will always have to deal with it in some form or another. I feel this way, even though I can articulate what is going on inside.

I'm sorry, I hope that didn't sound presumptious or patronizing. I recognize that, at some level, I don't know how it is to be a person with a disability, and I am simply trying to understand.

FWIW, I *detest* shoe shopping immensely, even though I buy my shoes from regular stores.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

There are some things I deal with with my son that are relatively minor in the scheme of things, but which upset me all out of proportion, simply because they are a reminder that although his condition can get better and he can learn to cope and thrive in the world, it is never going to go away and he will always have to deal with it in some form or another. I feel this way, even though I can articulate what is going on inside.

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly right, and this is probably a good example of that kind of thing. Thanks for putting it into words like this - it's helpful.

I hope that didn't sound presumptious or patronizing.

No, absolutely not at all.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

They're so cute!! (And that's a ultra-shoe-snob speaking.)

I have 9 shelves devoted to shoes in my closet. And I've only been able to wear 2 pairs of them for the last couple-three years. Sigh. Argh. (Plantar wart[s] plus associated surgeries therefor. Hip injury before that. Hm, I guess it's been longer than 2-3 years. Like 9-10. *whimper*)

Almost none of them are new. I buy second-hand shoes, and I wear the ones I buy new until they fall apart. If they're comfortable. And then I take them in for repeated shoe repair until nothing more can be done.

My feet have grown again, and I've finally caved to that pressure, so I've got a laundry bag full of shoes waiting to go to the second-hand shoe store. Still haven't worked up to taking them out.

If I were a rich pig, I'd have those 9 shelves filled with stylin', fittin', comfortable shoes. Mostly hand-made for me me me. With cork soles.

My current adoration is for Haflinger's. Cork-soled, mostly mules. Can't find any in my city; just might have to make a run to DC. There's a great store on Dupont Circle which carries oodles.

Why is it so hard? Speaking for myself: 'Cause shoes hold my soles. They ground me and free me. Without comfortable, well-fitting shoes, I can't walk. And style rules. Ugly shoes are depressing.

Imagine being able to afford a custom pair of Peter Fox shoes:
http://www.peterfoxshoes.com/index.php?cat=6

*drool*

Wouldn't life be grand?

[erikted.livejournal.com]

Wow -- this is so close to my own shoe issues that it's scary. I've been running around for nearly six months now in shows that are literally falling apart, and that my PT expressly ordered me to replace, because the idea of finding new shoes that won't make me hurt even more is so intimidating. And I've been using the money thing as an excuse/reason. I mean I *am* way short on cash, but I *need* shoes. And I only need to put small supports in them. And I usually prioritize spending on health. But...

Maybe if you can get over it, I can get over it :-)

Thanks for sharing this.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Wow, weird. What an odd thing to have a twin about. *grin* In a strange way, it does help to know that someone else does the same thing.

I do recommend

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Wow, weird. What an odd thing to have a twin about. *grin* In a strange way, it does help to know that someone else does the same thing.

I do recommend <a href="http://www.supportplus.com"</a>Support Plus</a> for orthopedically-correct shoes. They're expensive, but they're supportive and comfortable. And I've found that the people who answer the toll-free number know the product lines really well and give good advice.

::hug::

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

This may sound really stupid and off-topic, but I wanted to tell you how much strength I get from being privileged to read about the things that you go through. Every time I want to wimp out on something stupid because of my knees, I think of the things that you do that I won't because I'm scared, and I have to laugh at myself.

I loathe buying shoes (which is a shame, because I rather like shoes in the abstract). I have 9.5 AAA feet on wobbly ankles and knees that make me terrified of heels higher than about 1" (because what if I fall off them!?!?!?), and I completely empathize with the pain that is trying to find worthwhile shoes that aren't going to totally screw me up on some way.

I wish I had a useful recommendation for you... My dad has a little lifty-thing for his back, and he wears cowboy boots all the time because they have a bit of a heel that lets him wear a smaller lifty-thing than he otherwise might need to. Is that at all possible for you? Also, you might want to look into a specialty store that caters to odd widths of feet -- I've had to have a couple of pairs of shoes custom-fitted (because I have AAAA heels and AA toes), and the specialty shoe store guys were always really willing to help me put pads and other widgets in my shoes to make them fit, maybe they'd be able to help you find a pair of shoes that's relatively square in the back that would fit the orthotic and then pad it out so it doesn't slip?

Let me know if you want company going to shoe stores -- I like to shop, and I've done a lot of "shopping rehab" for my friends who were scared of various kinds of shopping, so I know what it's like to go shopping with someone for things they're worried about.

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

Those are cute shoes. And they are going to be worth it when you get to wear them. I understand - improper shoes make me hurt incriedible, and then I get frustrated at the whole fashion/comfort dichotomy.

As I get older I am realizing that I paying extra time and money is worth it, that I'm worth it, in order to feel good. Right now I am living in my Rocket Dog clogs and my boy's Doc Martens (room for arch supports!). But I get frustrated at the lack of decent work boots - I volunteer at a farm and I need waterproof, lace up, supportive, warm, non-steel toes boots and damn if I can find them for women, at least here in Baltimore.

I'm thinking of getting some Danskos:
http://www.dansko.com/

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Having just acquired a pair of orthotics of my very own I understand where you're coming from. I'm irked to discover that they don't _quite_ fit my Dr Martens, which I love to death. Fortunately for me I'm OK for several hours in my DMs without them; if I had to give them up completely I'd be devastated.

I've never particularly liked buying shoes and I now have four pairs, plus two pairs of dress shoes I wear twice a year or so each. I now have a foot condition which appears to be chronic, and which means I have to be extra careful about future shoe purchases so as not to aggravate it. This just adds to the joy.

[ailbhe]

I have no foot-related disability, but I find buying shoes so traumatising that I have to bring someone with me, (a) to make sure I dn't just leave the shop, and (b) to help me find shoes - by the time I reach the shop I am half-blind with upsetness and can't see the damn' things.

My feet have a wide ball and narrow heels, and I have a single broken toe which sometimes rubs against the inside of the uppers. I can't walk in heels higher than 1 inch. None of these are objectively difficult to accommodate. I have absolutely no excuse at all for my hatred of buying shoes. It's not related to my indifference to owning shoes at all.

It is related to my dislike of buying clothes, I think.

Um, trying to think of something mildly disability related, to be on topic, now... Well, I have found a pushchair I can use (one model from one manufacturer, which I have to buy soon before they stop making it) and a front-loading baby-carrier that I will be able to learn to use, with modifications. But RSI is pretty minor, really. I'm hoping for physio so that I will be able to pick up my baby unaided; I'm also hoping that I will get gradually stronger as the baby gets gradually bigger. You never know.

A.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

My feet have a wide ball and narrow heels, and I have a single broken toe which sometimes rubs against the inside of the uppers. I can't walk in heels higher than 1 inch. None of these are objectively difficult to accommodate. I have absolutely no excuse at all for my hatred of buying shoes. It's not related to my indifference to owning shoes at all.

Ooh... that's *exactly* what I deal with! Except in my case, it's a weak ankle from breaking it many years ago.

[brooksmoses]

I wonder if it would help to use a variation on my shoe-buying habits -- namely, about six years ago, I found a style and size of Clarks loafers that fit well and I like, and I've currently about worn through my second pair and bought a third -- every couple of years, when they stop being presentable, I find a nearby store and buy a replacement just like them.

The benefit to this being that shoe-buying doesn't require thought or emotional investment; I don't really have to think about what I want.

In theory it's a great idea. In practice, the store this time didn't have the right size in stock, and ordered them and shipped them to me, and they're about a quarter-inch longer than my current pair, despite claiming to be the same size. And so I have to go back to the store, and go through the sizing process anyhow; sigh.

Even with the practical issues, that still might be useful; if you don't spend a day or two emotionally invested in figuring out what to order, perhaps the emotions of having to think about your disability will be correspondingly less.

I suspect part of the trick, though, is to find styles that are likely to stay in production for a decade or two, and that's likely to be rather a bit more difficult for sneakers and womens' dress shoes than it is for my loafers.

[bsquad.livejournal.com]

I hate shoe shopping too and I loved the last pair of shoes I bought (about four years ago.) Sin talked me into going shopping for new shoes finally and, miraculously, my recurring back problems went away.

New shoew are good—even if they are no-name sneakers sold at a liquidator's.