(no subject)

I had to walk down the baby aisle at Rite Aid to get to the pads I need for the bleeding.

I had been doing so well, this morning. Cuddling Alex, making her a special breakfast, pressing my cheek against her hair and reading her stories. I was able to play with her and even laugh. My real live girl. I thought, I'll survive this.

And then there I was in the Rite Aid parking lot, icy rain bucketing down on my bare head, sobbing so hard I couldn't fit my car key in the lock.

I don't think this can possibly be my life.





I'm sorry. This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

(no subject)

D&C is tentatively scheduled for 4pm today. I say "tentatively" because the L&D unit at the hospital is busy today, so they may not have time to see me. ( disturbing material below )

My friend Emily is going to pick Alex up at nursery school at 5pm and bring her to her house, where she can play with her friend Zoe and have dinner. Her neighbor will watch Zoe during pickup, so we don't need to worry about dropping off Alex's carseat. If we wind up being at the hospital longer than expected, Emily will bring Alex back to our house and put her to bed. We've arranged for a key for her.

Nursery school will explain to Alex at 4:45, but not before, that she's going home today with Miss Emily instead of with Papa or Mama. Emily will explain to Alex that Mama is sick and had to go to the hospital, but that Papa is taking care of me and I will be home soon.

Emily will bring something by tomorrow for us to have for dinner. God, she's a good friend. It's so nice to know that I can just rely on her to make things happen.

Our minister Phyllis is coming by in about half an hour to talk with me and Michael. One of my church friends asked if there was anything she could do, and I actually thought of something for once: she could call the church and let someone know that we need pastoral care, and why. I kept wanting it, but not being able to imagine picking up the phone and making the call and explaining things. So thank God for Megary. And Phyllis.

When the midwife's assistant called and told me not to eat anything more today because of the D&C, I asked her if that meant no water as well. Then I used the time it took for her to check with the midwife and call back to drink a big icy cold glass of water, which was good because when she called back she limited me to ice chips. I think that means I'm going to be fully sedated for the procedure, which, good. There's no way I want to be conscious to experience or remember this.

Am I leaving any kind of necessary preparation out? I've got the pacing-the-floor part covered. Anything else?

Holding pattern.

Still home. Waiting for the midwife to call back.

( disturbing material, as usual )

(no subject)

Leaving for the hospital. In the words of my midwife Kathy, "This is no longer elective."

More ASAP.