(no subject)

[rivka]

I had to walk down the baby aisle at Rite Aid to get to the pads I need for the bleeding.

I had been doing so well, this morning. Cuddling Alex, making her a special breakfast, pressing my cheek against her hair and reading her stories. I was able to play with her and even laugh. My real live girl. I thought, I'll survive this.

And then there I was in the Rite Aid parking lot, icy rain bucketing down on my bare head, sobbing so hard I couldn't fit my car key in the lock.

I don't think this can possibly be my life.





I'm sorry. This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

Comments

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. You will get through it, with many Alex snuggles, but I don't know when you stop getting caught short by unexpected reminders. You are greatly in my thoughts.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

No matter how awful, I will keep reading. It's the only way I have to express my condolences.

I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. My heart weeps for you, and CuriousAngel and Alex.

N.

[kiya]

This brilliantly expresses what I couldn't find the words for, so I'm going to repeat it:

No matter how awful, I will keep reading. It's the only way I have to express my condolences.

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Yes, that.

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

I'll stay. I've been there (well, a different "there" but similar), You can't have a heart made of screams and broken glass without doing some bleeding where people can see, and part of surviving the pain is communicating it.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

It's so hard for me to actually speak about this because I just start crying uncontrollably. I've been talking to some people, and I'm going to try to do more today - I need to get in touch with my ministers - but, I mean, it's so hard to get the words out of my mouth.

Writing about it feels like my lifeline right now.

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

Yeah. You need to speak the pain, and often "speaking" means writing, because hands don't cry.

I wish I, or someone, could do something to help. But at least we can listen.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, Rivka. wcg suggested I check your journal. I'm so terribly sorry. You're all in my thoughts.

Carol

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

'm sorry. This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

I can't not. I know we've never met in person, and don't know each other very well, but I still care for you, and wish there was something that I can do. Even if that's just reading and making fierce wishes to just make things a little bit easier, I'm listening.

[going-not-gone.livejournal.com]

You will survive this, but I'm afraid there will be a lot of painful moments along the way. I wish I could do something for you that was real, but all I can do is stay with you here. I will not abandon your LJ just because you're honest about the hurt.

Write what you need to write, feel what you need to feel.

*hugs*

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If it helps at all, I'm here reading.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

We've never met in person, but we're still friends. If I stopped reading, I'd feel like I was abandoning you. Shared pain, &c....

[papersky.livejournal.com]

If it's awful to read, it must be unimaginable to write.

It shouldn't be your life, it so isn't fair. This just sucks beyond words to express.

carandol used to know someone who used to swear so much the words lost all charge and when things really went wrong he used to kick the furniture. I feel like that, there ought to be a special set of I don't know, slime green-edged words appropriate to express appalling things happening to wonderful people out of a clear sky. It almost makes me wish I was living in a fantasy novel where it would be malice and direct personified evil causing it, because at least that would make sense and not be so grieviously unfair.

*hug*

And you know, it's wonderful that even right now you have the perspective to write "for a while" there.

[naomikritzer]

I agree about the green-edged words. And I completely agree about wanting a reason, even if it's a bad reason like Malicious Sorcerers.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I haven't been where you are, but I've been close enough that I can't stop thinking about you (even though we barely know each other).

I get not being able to speak, and I'm grateful that you can write.

I'm sorry there's a here to be, and glad to be here since there is.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I've been close enough that I can't stop thinking about you

Oh. Yeah. Now I remember. Thanks - your sympathy means extra much.

I had a long talk with the minister from my church, and she - the ony way I can think of to put it is that she gave me permission to mourn this loss as a real baby, and that helped more than I can say. It's been awful to feel like my grief is illegitimate because there was never any hope.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I made such a boneheaded comment in your most recent post that I hesitate to post again but - I've had 7 miscarriages and one full-term loss and I just wanted to say - although the exact facets of loss vary, in each case, I think what you lose is future family, if that makes sense. So it completely is legitimate.

Your body was changing and so were you, to create a place for a child, and the empty arms you end up with are the same. I think the fear about the growth is just an additional sorrow, and I am so sorry for you.

[kaitiana.livejournal.com]

I agree with your minister completely. This is completely a real loss, and you have every right to mourn it as such. Both you and your body believed you were pregnant and the emotions you feel now that you've discovered you aren't are no less valid.

Besides, our emotions are what they are no matter what we're dealing with, whether others agree with us or not, and we should never be afraid or ashamed to deal with them in whatever way is necessary. My thoughts are with you and your family as you go through this terrible loss.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

If it's any help... I've read about this problem in the past, and that is exactly how many women experiencing it feel. You're not alone.

I agree with everyone else - you have every right to grieve. You're also dealing with something that has a potentially serious impact on your health and restricts you from trying to conceive again in the near future, and both of those are also things to grieve.

a real baby

[(Anonymous)]

Rivka,
I had two blighted ovum miscarriages, and I have also had two terminations. The contrast between my feelings over these different D&C procedures has been illuminating to me.

The miscarriages I grieved as you are grieving, because there was a baby -- an imagined baby, whom we had made room for in our lives and part of our family. It was that baby we were mourning, and whether or not the physical cells could ever have become that person, that person had already been imagined.

There was a baby -- the one you were looking forward to meeting. Your minister is right to say you can mourn the loss of that person.

So many people are thinking of you. Time will help. You will get through this hardest time.

Emma

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

What nex0s said, and papersky. You and Michael and Alex are in my thoughts.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

Keep getting lots of hugs and kisses from your girl.

I'm thinking about you constantly. Let me know if there's anything I can possibly do.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I'll be right here.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Dearest Rivka, friends are there for bad times as well as the good. Yours will be here when you need us, even if it's only to rail at the utter unfairness of it all.

[mizchalmers.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about you all night and day. I am so glad you updated.

I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you.

[toadnae.livejournal.com]

In my world, friends listen even when it sucks. Still listening.

[ladyotterfae.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry this happened, I'm worried for you, and I'm not going anywhere. If there's anything someone so far removed from your day to day life can do, please know you can ask.

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

I'll be here listening and reading as long as it's helpful to you to have me here. If there's anything I can do, please let me know- I'm relatively close by.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

I don't think this can possibly be my life.

I can relate. The last time I had a really bad depressive bout I felt like I'd fallen into the parallel universe. One that was irredeemably broken.

It wasn't.

Neither was I.

Neither are you.

[writingortyping.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say but that you are in my thoughts and I'm listening.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

You will. You will survive this.

I'll be here reading as long as you're there writing.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

This isn't a time to walk out. This is a time to walk in.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

What he said.

[guruwench.livejournal.com]

What they said. I'm not going anywhere, Rivka.

[treadpath.livejournal.com]

I'm not leaving, and I am sorry these awful things are happening to you and it's totally unfair. I wish I could do more than listen. *hugs you*

[redbird]

I know you won't mind if I don't read, but I'm not here just for entertainment--we're friends, and I care about you, even if there isn't much I can do from New York.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

It never occurred to me to stop. But now that you've got me thinking about it, I realise that's a privilege, because the reason it didn't occur to me is that this isn't a triggery topic for me - sad and unfair enough to make me cry, but it won't stop me functioning, unlike some people I know who've been less fortunate than I have when it comes to childbearing. And I'm grateful for that, so the least I can do is try to put it to good use by staying around to listen, so that you've got that outlet. You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

*hugs* offered.

You know, if I can be here and reading and travelling along with you through the good stuff, then I can damn well do it through the horrendous stuff too. Because that's what friends do.

[baldanders.livejournal.com]

We are certainly not going to stop reading your journal when things are so hard for you.

[saoba.livejournal.com]

Still here. Still reading.

I am not close enough to bring you tea or fold your laundry or babysit Miss Girl while Michael takes care of you, but still here.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i remember you talking to me and making me laugh while i was waiting for my divorce to go through. it may be a while before you're doing much laughing, but the least i can do is listen.

[pameladean]

If reading is all that I can do, then I'm reading.

I mourn for your lost hopes. But this is just a small piece of your life. It's the one you have to deal with, and it's terrible and difficult and wrong that this should be so, but it's not all of it.

P

[tea-dragon.livejournal.com]

I'm so thankful to hear that your minister said what she did. You have very wise people around you.

I am so sorry for your loss- of course your grief is legitimate. Lemme at anyone who tries to say otherwise! Grief doesn't get any easier to deal with if people say it isn't there...

[riarambles.livejournal.com]

I know you've posted two more entries since this one, but I'm commenting here to say that I'm thinking about you and that I will keep reading. Probably won't say much, because there's not much I can say, but I will keep reading and thinking of you. *hugs*

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I will be reading, and thinking of you, with love.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

I expect most of us will be reading, even if we're not posting. We care about you and want to share what burdens we can.

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

There is nothing I can say.

But I do want you to know I am still reading, and will continue to.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway: We don't only love you when you're happy and things are going right. Thank you for being willing to share the hard times with the people out in the ether who really give a damn what happens to you and your family.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

I'll keep reading. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of this baby, even if it was never there physically, it was there in your heart ...