(no subject)

[rivka]

I had to walk down the baby aisle at Rite Aid to get to the pads I need for the bleeding.

I had been doing so well, this morning. Cuddling Alex, making her a special breakfast, pressing my cheek against her hair and reading her stories. I was able to play with her and even laugh. My real live girl. I thought, I'll survive this.

And then there I was in the Rite Aid parking lot, icy rain bucketing down on my bare head, sobbing so hard I couldn't fit my car key in the lock.

I don't think this can possibly be my life.





I'm sorry. This is just going to be an awful journal to read for a while. I honestly won't mind if you don't.

Comments

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I haven't been where you are, but I've been close enough that I can't stop thinking about you (even though we barely know each other).

I get not being able to speak, and I'm grateful that you can write.

I'm sorry there's a here to be, and glad to be here since there is.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I've been close enough that I can't stop thinking about you

Oh. Yeah. Now I remember. Thanks - your sympathy means extra much.

I had a long talk with the minister from my church, and she - the ony way I can think of to put it is that she gave me permission to mourn this loss as a real baby, and that helped more than I can say. It's been awful to feel like my grief is illegitimate because there was never any hope.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I made such a boneheaded comment in your most recent post that I hesitate to post again but - I've had 7 miscarriages and one full-term loss and I just wanted to say - although the exact facets of loss vary, in each case, I think what you lose is future family, if that makes sense. So it completely is legitimate.

Your body was changing and so were you, to create a place for a child, and the empty arms you end up with are the same. I think the fear about the growth is just an additional sorrow, and I am so sorry for you.

[kaitiana.livejournal.com]

I agree with your minister completely. This is completely a real loss, and you have every right to mourn it as such. Both you and your body believed you were pregnant and the emotions you feel now that you've discovered you aren't are no less valid.

Besides, our emotions are what they are no matter what we're dealing with, whether others agree with us or not, and we should never be afraid or ashamed to deal with them in whatever way is necessary. My thoughts are with you and your family as you go through this terrible loss.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

If it's any help... I've read about this problem in the past, and that is exactly how many women experiencing it feel. You're not alone.

I agree with everyone else - you have every right to grieve. You're also dealing with something that has a potentially serious impact on your health and restricts you from trying to conceive again in the near future, and both of those are also things to grieve.

a real baby

[(Anonymous)]

Rivka,
I had two blighted ovum miscarriages, and I have also had two terminations. The contrast between my feelings over these different D&C procedures has been illuminating to me.

The miscarriages I grieved as you are grieving, because there was a baby -- an imagined baby, whom we had made room for in our lives and part of our family. It was that baby we were mourning, and whether or not the physical cells could ever have become that person, that person had already been imagined.

There was a baby -- the one you were looking forward to meeting. Your minister is right to say you can mourn the loss of that person.

So many people are thinking of you. Time will help. You will get through this hardest time.

Emma