Popularity contests
Aug. 13th, 2001 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaSo, for a while there, I thought I'd let my live journal languish in obscurity - not just failing to link to "friends," but not even telling anyone I was keeping one. Okay, that didn't last long. I found that if I was going to be putting a piece of myself out there, sharing my thoughts and my life, I wanted my TOCOTOXling to be able to see it - if zie chose. And it just seemed too strange to keep something I'm doing from Misha, especially if I'm going to write about things we share. So now the two of them know where to look for my journal. *waving* Hi, you guys.
Misha pointed out that if you click on my "friends" link it comes back "Rivka has no friends." It's funny, in a tragic and pitiful sort of way. But I have to confess that one of the reasons I'm uncomfortable linking to "friends" is that it seems presumptuous to suggest that someone else would like to read my journal. I went through six kinds of hell getting up the nerve to tell Misha and the TOCOTOXling, who you'd think should be interested in my thoughts if anyone is. Wait: it's not so much about thinking that no one would want to read my journal, it's about not wanting to seem like the kind of person who expects people to want to read her journal. Is that needlessly baroque? I don't want to be condemned as a hopeless narcissist by people whose opinions I respect. But then, yeah, I have to admit that there are also nagging back-of-the-mind doubts about whether people would want to link back to me, or comment on what I write. Very high school, and I feel foolish even admitting it to myself - much less my audience of two. *waving*
Okay, so I got one of those "someone has a crush on you" e-mails again today. This one's from the Pimpin' Cupid at thespark.com, so at least I suspect it to be genuine - as opposed to that horrible experience with crushlink.com last month. Jesus, I felt used when I finally realized that it was just an advertising ploy. Used, and humiliated that I'd been duped into believing that someone had a crush on me, when it was just a fake the whole time. So. Anyway. I guess the whole Pimpin' Cupid thing is supposed to be fun and lighthearted, and set up all kinds of opportunities for flirting. It just makes me anxious. Here's the scenario I imagine: someone got one of these e-mails, and in the process of trying to guess who sent it to them, they tried everyone who seemed even remotely possibly interested in them. That's how my name got into the system. So then I go in, and I list everyone I can possibly think of, and then perhaps my name matches up with someone who feels lukewarmly about me and vice versa. Just because we were both trying to guess who might have picked us. All die. O, the embarrassment. *grin* Anyway, that seems like the most plausible scenario to me. Much more plausible than finding out that some sweet, shy, adorable person has a crush on me and doesn't dare speak up. And, need I add, much less fun.
Okay, so the final bit in the Popularity Contest leitmotif is going to be much less neurotic. I did something really scary this evening, put my neck on the line in a social context. And it paid off. I mentioned to Pamela Dean that if she ever finds herself looking for manuscript readers, I'd be honored to... and she said yes. In fact, she sounded like I was offering to do her a favor, and said she wished I'd been around to advance-read Juniper, Gentian, and Rosemary, because her writing group didn't really get it. I'm hopelessly flattered and pleased - I'm almost giddy. I can't believe I asked her! I can't believe she said yes! I can't believe I have a date for the prom!!
I don't know why, with everything else I manage well, I get myself caught up in these horrible neurotic loops about whether people like me. As if it would be the worst possible thing in the world if they didn't. *grin* Maybe journalling is just bringing on my second adolescence - I was seventeen the last time I kept one. I mean, these are all things I really felt, but I don't know that I would've articulated them anywhere else. *waving one last time* Y'all can tell me what you think, Assuming, you know, that after this post you still like me, and all.
Misha pointed out that if you click on my "friends" link it comes back "Rivka has no friends." It's funny, in a tragic and pitiful sort of way. But I have to confess that one of the reasons I'm uncomfortable linking to "friends" is that it seems presumptuous to suggest that someone else would like to read my journal. I went through six kinds of hell getting up the nerve to tell Misha and the TOCOTOXling, who you'd think should be interested in my thoughts if anyone is. Wait: it's not so much about thinking that no one would want to read my journal, it's about not wanting to seem like the kind of person who expects people to want to read her journal. Is that needlessly baroque? I don't want to be condemned as a hopeless narcissist by people whose opinions I respect. But then, yeah, I have to admit that there are also nagging back-of-the-mind doubts about whether people would want to link back to me, or comment on what I write. Very high school, and I feel foolish even admitting it to myself - much less my audience of two. *waving*
Okay, so I got one of those "someone has a crush on you" e-mails again today. This one's from the Pimpin' Cupid at thespark.com, so at least I suspect it to be genuine - as opposed to that horrible experience with crushlink.com last month. Jesus, I felt used when I finally realized that it was just an advertising ploy. Used, and humiliated that I'd been duped into believing that someone had a crush on me, when it was just a fake the whole time. So. Anyway. I guess the whole Pimpin' Cupid thing is supposed to be fun and lighthearted, and set up all kinds of opportunities for flirting. It just makes me anxious. Here's the scenario I imagine: someone got one of these e-mails, and in the process of trying to guess who sent it to them, they tried everyone who seemed even remotely possibly interested in them. That's how my name got into the system. So then I go in, and I list everyone I can possibly think of, and then perhaps my name matches up with someone who feels lukewarmly about me and vice versa. Just because we were both trying to guess who might have picked us. All die. O, the embarrassment. *grin* Anyway, that seems like the most plausible scenario to me. Much more plausible than finding out that some sweet, shy, adorable person has a crush on me and doesn't dare speak up. And, need I add, much less fun.
Okay, so the final bit in the Popularity Contest leitmotif is going to be much less neurotic. I did something really scary this evening, put my neck on the line in a social context. And it paid off. I mentioned to Pamela Dean that if she ever finds herself looking for manuscript readers, I'd be honored to... and she said yes. In fact, she sounded like I was offering to do her a favor, and said she wished I'd been around to advance-read Juniper, Gentian, and Rosemary, because her writing group didn't really get it. I'm hopelessly flattered and pleased - I'm almost giddy. I can't believe I asked her! I can't believe she said yes! I can't believe I have a date for the prom!!
I don't know why, with everything else I manage well, I get myself caught up in these horrible neurotic loops about whether people like me. As if it would be the worst possible thing in the world if they didn't. *grin* Maybe journalling is just bringing on my second adolescence - I was seventeen the last time I kept one. I mean, these are all things I really felt, but I don't know that I would've articulated them anywhere else. *waving one last time* Y'all can tell me what you think, Assuming, you know, that after this post you still like me, and all.
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no subject
Date: 2001-08-30 04:42 am (UTC)It's certainly been nice to find out more about what's going on with you on a day to day basis, since our communication is so sporadic. Alas, I've about come to the conclusion that I'm hopeless at keeping up e-mail correspondence. At least in my present circumstances. So maybe this will help a little.
I've just got to inveigle all my other friends to start LJs too.