Post for ailbhe

[rivka]

ailbhe asked me to talk about how my pregnancy is feeling these days.

The short answer: large.

The long answer: in the past couple of weeks, I have really started to slow down. I am ponderous. I have trouble twisting my body or reaching with my left hand for something on my right, because I run smack into this enormous hard solid wall of belly that does not want to be moved. I lumber when I walk. I become exhausted quickly. Inertia has become a much more powerful force in my life.

I am in pain. I ache low in my pelvis, right at the pubic bone. It hurts when I shift position - when I roll over in bed (which is hard, so I don't do it very often anyway), sit up from lying down, stand up from sitting, take the first few steps after being immobile. A minute or two later, the pain fades away. It's good that it hurts, because that means my pelvis is opening wider, the cartilage and ligaments stretching to let the baby through. Believe me, I want my pelvis to be as wide as possible. But it hurts.

Despite all of that, however, I am feeling remarkably good. Once I'm up on my feet I can still get around reasonably well, especially if I take my time. I enjoy my belly, even if it's hard to haul it around - I think it looks and feels kind of cool. I enjoy having people recognize and comment on my imminent motherhood... most of the time. (Important note: it is not a good idea to greet the pregnant woman with "Wow, Rivka, you're just huge!")

The baby's movements are changing as she grows. I'm getting fewer kicks these days, and more whole-body rolling and shifting. I think she's running out of room to really pull her leg back and kick. One of the most surprising things about pregnancy, for me, has been how little I mind being kicked. It seems like the kind of thing that a person would mind, and I kind of got the impression from some of the things that pregnant women say that kicking is bothersome. But it really hasn't been like that at all. And her current rolling, shifting movements aren't painful or troublesome either. I can see the movements through my clothes, and they definitely get my attention - but it's just a nice little experience of connection with my baby.

Last Sunday, in church, she got the hiccups. That's never happened before, although I had read that it's supposed to be a common pregnancy occurrence. But suddenly there they were: little quakes right at my midsection, every second or two, rhythmic and steady. therealjae put her hand on my belly and felt them too. They lasted about five minutes, and then stopped. I tried suggesting that the Li'l Critter drink out of the wrong side of a glass of water - it's my infallible hiccup cure - but she didn't follow through on it.

Michael and I had a conversation recently about the difference between the imaginary baby and the real baby. Part of the way we've been bonding with the Li'l Critter is to invest her with an imaginary personality. She's sent her parents birthday cards. She expresses love. She can be talked to in a reasonably adult manner. She has preferences - she's looking forward to watching baseball games with her Papa, for example, and she loves ice cream. Essentially, we talk about the Li'l Critter in the same way that we talk about our stuffed otter: in our imaginations, she has the capacity for autonomy and self-expression.

The real baby, of course, will be a confusing and needy bundle of elementary biological functions. She won't be expressing love or thanks anytime soon. It won't be clear to us what she wants or needs. She'll be her own person in her own fascinating way, and we will love her dearly - but she won't be much like the imaginary construct we have bonded to in advance. And that's okay. That's the normal way that things are. It's just that now I really understand why women talk about the shocking disconnect between being pregnant and having a baby.

Maybe that's why we keep calling her Li'l Critter, instead of using her future name. That name will belong to the real baby, whoever she turns out to be. It's probably best that we not do too much to link it to the Li'l Critter's imaginary traits and preferences. We'll need to let Alexandra be herself.