Moving on.

[rivka]

Alex is six weeks old, and still showing no signs of improvement in terms of getting her nutrition from the breast. After a week on the special training bottle - not to mention all the suck training exercises, which have been going on since our second lactation consultant visit - her suck has not improved. She'll go to the breast, but before-and-after-nursing weight checks show that she's only taking in tiny quantities of food. She has never managed to gain weight from nursing alone.

It's time for us to move on.

It's not good for Alex to have a stressed-out Mama. It's not good for the majority of our interactions to be based around something we're failing at, and for me to spend most of my day trying to exact a certain standard of performance from her. For our relationship, for our family, that's just not healthy. We need to be able to relax and enjoy each other's company more than we need to spend an indefinite-but-probably-large additional amount of time and energy trying for a goal we may never reach.

I feel sad. This is not what I wanted or envisioned. I saw breastfeeding as the cornerstone of my parenting practice, and it's difficult to come to terms with our failure. It's still kind of hard to picture myself as a not-breastfeeding mother. But - after all that anguish - I don't feel guilty. I tried my utmost. I got every conceivable kind of help. It just didn't work out. Life is like that sometimes.

A friend told me last week that if I ever came to this point I shouldn't say anything about it. My friend was concerned that some people would post comments to make me feel awful - say, by comparing bottle-feeding to not using a carseat, to pick a not-very-random example. But to me, given the public nature of my other posts about parenting, not posting about this decision would feel too much like I was acting out of shame. And I'm not ashamed. I did my best, and that's all I can do.

Comments

[jmhm.livejournal.com]

What fathers are for: to shovel up the remains of people who talk shit about your parenting choices after your friends turn them into rhetorical roadkill.

[curiousangel.livejournal.com]

I'm good with that.

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

(hug)

I think this is a good choice for both of you.

[jenett]

From what I understand from my Mom and my medical records, I had something similar going on. And I turned out just fine. *grin*

The important part is that stress is definitely bad. You really did give it an incredibly good try, from everything you've said. Go you for making the decision you feel is right for you all. You're the ones that get to live with the process and the choices.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

You know what I think, so I won't say anything more. And if anybody dares try to make you feel guilty (or even suggest that maybe *you* shouldn't feel guilty, but that you're an *exception*, and that *other* mothers should), then I will personally hunt them down and lacerate them with well-placed words.

I love you.

-J

[aloha-moira.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine anyone who's heard the whole story could criticize you for not breastfeeding at this point! You absolutely did everything you could and I think it's a sign of wisdom that you've recognized that the stress of continuing to try something that isn't working is more detrimental than anything. *hugs* I know it's a tough decision, but it's obviously not one you're making lightly. And I certainly think Alex will turn out okay if she's bottle-fed! She has great parents and great genes - that's what really matters. :)

[elusis.livejournal.com]

If Alex won't or can't suck well enough to have breastfeeding be an adequate source of calories and nutrition for her, and you've tried everything you can to help her do so, then that's just what you're stuck with -- she isn't doing her part of things in a way that makes it viable, and she isn't likely to start doing it out of the blue, so you have to make the choice that makes the most sense for her health and your sanity.

Exactly. What's the other option - letting her starve? As if.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry it didn't work for you, but I think you're making a rational and wise decision. I'm proud of you for being able to see the forest (the health and well-being of your family) for the trees (one particular practice).

As if you needed it, you have *my* support and approval for your choice. And I think you and Michael are great parents.

[girlhappy.livejournal.com]

I went through similar sadness and grief over not breastfeeding my daughter. But I have come to realize that I was not, and am not, a failure, just as you are not a failure. You are not going to be any less wonderful a mother because of this. In fact, you have made a decision that will allow you to better enjoy your interaction and time with her, and that is a tremendously responsible thing to do. Additionally, it means that your partner can be more fully involved with feeding, and that is a gift to him, too, and his relationship with Alex.

I went into my pregnancy and birth experience arrogantly, claiming there was only one right way to have a baby, that breastfeeding was the only choice, etc. And then I had an emergency c-section, and a baby who spent her first month in the hospital with severe meconium aspiration, drugged on morphine, unable to nurse, and then I was rehospitalized. Nothing I did, nothing the lactation consultants suggested, ever made my milk come in. And so my girl was fed formula.

I learned that my feminism and my attitudes did not make me exempt from circumstances beyond my control, and despite what the editors of Mothering might say, there is no one right way, and we sure as hell don't get to judge someone else's circumstances and choices. The important thing is that I now have a sassy, smart, totally charming 14-month old who is developmentally advanced and healthy.

On a more practical note, if Alex does okay with powdered formula, we found that the Target brand with DHA/ARA dissolved better and was far less expensive than either Enfamil or Similac.

It's okay to move on, and your wise to recognize that it's time. It's really okay.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

*bows to girlhappy*
*bows to rivka*

You know, the two of you have made me, an expectant mum, realise how wrong it is to be dogmatic about breastfeeding. Both of you did/are doing your very best. And isn't it great that we live in a day and age where safe alternatives to the breast are available to children? Or where it's possible to save the lives of both mother and child by a C-Section, if need be?

FWIW, I wasn't breastfed either; my mother spent the first three weeks of my life in hospital with absolutely inadequate breastfeeding support and strict rooming out.

perceval & sprog

[cliosfolly.livejournal.com]

I regret, for you and Alex, that things didn't turn out as you'd desired; but I admire you tremendously for your tenacity and dedication in working towards that goal. I know that, no matter whether or not you breastfeed, you will be--and already are--a great mother.

[selki.livejournal.com]

Makes a lot of sense to me. I think you're being a good mother.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

i am so sorry that things didn't work out the way you envisioned -- but now you can move on to the important stuff: stuff like just *being* with one another, enjoying one another, and growing together.

congratulations on knowing when too much is Too Much. congratulations on trying so hard. congratulations of entering a new non-stressed out phase of love and enjoyment.

you all rock.

[giant hugs all around]
n.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

You are smart, and Michael is kind, and Alex is bright-eyed and cute.

And vice versa and vice versa.

[castiron.livejournal.com]

Damn straight. You did your best; you made a huge effort to overcome huge obstacles; you did give her the benefit of breastmilk in her first weeks, and she'll grow up fine on formula (or pumped milk, if you decide to go that route for a while, or a mix of the two).

And one advantage to the bottle -- it's easier to give her extended one-on-one time with Daddy!

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

First up: good for you for being able to adapt to the situation, and back off the breastfeeding attempts, even though you had such investment in it.

Congrats also for trusting us to understand your feelings here, and journal about this. And congrats most of all for not being ashamed.

Reading your post, I do find the words "failure" and "failing" stand out at me. Maybe it's just a concept game I'm playing, but I find myself wondering if, when something doesn't work out, it's necessarily a failure. Rather than, y'know, not applicable in this case, or something.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You tried your very best. That's the best a parent can do. You are a great mother.

On a related, but side note, how's your mastitis? I hope it's getting better.

[fourgates.livejournal.com]

I wonder if Alex might have a different experience of it, in terms of social interaction and erogonomics, a few months down the road, when she's in the rugrat stage instead of the infant. Were you wanting to move away from it entirely, or just deemphasize the effort to make that the primary nutrition source?

[rivka.livejournal.com]

The problem with letting her nurse in a half-assed way is that my mastitis was almost certainly caused and maintained by the breast not being fully drained. But I'm going to keep pumping as long as I can, and if I'm fully draining the breast with the pump, there's no harm in letting her try to nurse in between.

[purplepaisley.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry to hear this. Yes, you've done your best. This is what alternative feeding methods are for.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I did my best, and that's all I can do.

Hold to this. This is TRUE.

There are a thousand gifts you'll give your daughter. Breastfeeding isn't even close to being the most important.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Yes. What jonquil said.

Also, *hugs* to you and your dear ones.

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

I understand the sadness and I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. I am in total awe of you for trying so very hard to make things work and for being willing to make this difficult decision to do what's best for you and Alex and for being so open about it. Those are the things that make you a great mother in my book.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Any baby who is that happy and alert is going to be OK. Any baby who has you and Misha for parents is going to be OK. And to repeat myself--my brother and I were both formula babies, and we turned out fine.

buying more bottles

[(Anonymous)]

Well I hope that no one critizes you for this decision, you and Alex have tried your best and it's time to move on with life.

And honey, as the mother of a three year old, this is only the first thing she's going to want to do her way rather than yours! Get used to it now.

Best of luck with the bottles!

Cathy Doyle

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I don't see this as a failure, really. You tried it, like, really, REALLY tried it, and you're at a decision point where you can choose to do what's healthy for your baby or what would make you feel less guilty, and you're choosing what's healthy for your baby. That sounds like a success to me. Getting enough to eat is definitely going to be more important to Alex's future than what in specific she eats. I mean, suppose this was down the road and you wanted to buy Alex some veggies to bring to school, but you didn't have the income, no matter what you did, to buy organic veggies, so you bought non-organic fruit. Is that a failure? Organic veggies probably better for your child. Many people would argue that wording it that way is misleading, that we should instead say that non-organic veggies are harmful for your child. But in that scenario, the choice is between providing regular veggies or providing neither, and managing to provide your child with good veggies to eat is succeeding at that task, even if they're not organic. As you say, you're doing the best you can do.

And you know, of all the things you can provide your child, I'm sure this won't be the most impactful. It's one thing to study children who breastfeed vs. children who bottle feed, all other things being equal, but how many parents out there don't read to their children? How many parents don't teach them to respect other people? How many parents raise children amongst violence? You're going to be amazing parents, by any measure.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

you're at a decision point where you can choose to do what's healthy for your baby or what would make you feel less guilty, and you're choosing what's healthy for your baby.

Oh, that's so well said!

Rivka, this man is wise.

[telerib.livejournal.com]

I'm sad that you are sad, but I am glad that you are not guilty or ashamed. I think you are right on all counts.

(And another FWIW healthy, mom-loving, well-adjusted, high-achieving formula baby here!)

[geminigirl]

*hugs* You did everything you possibly could to make this work, and while it probably doesn't sound comforting, you gave it every possible chance to work out-more effort than many people would be making. Making the best choice for Alex is what you're doing and that's only the first thing of many she'll have to thank you for when she grows up.

You have done well

[redbird]

You are not a failure. You are doing your best for your daughter and yourself, and you know enough to know when the best thing isn't exactly what you wanted.

Have you decided whether to keep pumping?