If advice from a childfree person helps and doesn't entirely piss you off, I second, third, fourth & twentieth this.
My mum's life was totally revolved around me. She had no interests of her own. When I left to go to university, she didn't have a clue what to do with herself, and it caused a lot of conflict for a couple of years, as she expected to have the same kind of relationship we'd had before, and I wanted to grow up.
I'm not saying you're in danger of that - hell, Alex is many years off university! I understand that you still have lots of Mommy hormones that are making you feel that you need to be close to the baby at all times. But you became co-parents with Michael because the two of you agreed to be. It seems unfair if you are prime caregiver for 7 out of 7 nights, even if he's there and helping you for some or all of that time. You need to have time off to see your other friends and other partners and just do stuff where you don't have to worry about the baby, because your co-parent is doing it.
Do you have local friends with small children? Maybe you could arrange a regular Mom's Night Out where you and the other usual or primary caregivers all go out together and leave your partners behind. If you feel even unconsciously "how on earth will the dads cope without us?", putting all the dads together in one place might solve this? In the worst case, there'll be multiple adults to clean the injuries and drive people to hospital :P I'm being deliberately provocative here, because I'm wondering to what extent you not getting time to yourself is your choice, and how much is unconscious expectations or beliefs?
I have a childfree friend who used to give me much the same sort of commentary - really feeling that my coparent wasn't pulling his weight or doing his share. Then he read "The Efficient Society - Why Canada is as Close to Utopia as It Gets."
One of the chapters in there is on parenting, and discusses why the traditional parenting split has hung on for so long - it's far more efficient for one person to be the primary caregiver. Now, efficiency is not the end all be all, but it takes a conscious choice and measuring of other benefits received from the lost efficiency to decide if and when it's worthwhile to do things in a way that's not as efficient.
Really interesting book, all around - the parenting thing is just a little sidebar in the bigger work.
I didn't say he wasn't pulling his weight! I said It seems unfair if you are prime caregiver for 7 out of 7 nights, even if he's there and helping you for some or all of that time. (Emphasis added for clarity). And I maintain that if one person is the primary caregiver all of the time despite there being two or more parents, that is unfair. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year? It can lead to situations like my mum's, where she had no life of her own, and she didn't even realise until after I left home. I understand that you have little choice if you are an only parent, but if there is another parent, it seems to me that they should take charge occasionally, unless there is some serious reason why they can't. (Like someone who is disabled enough that they would not feel safe being the only adult in the house at the time.)
But it was an if. I don't know what actually happens in Rivka's household or anyone else's! Even if I did, it wouldn't be my place to criticise, and I know that.
And I'm really upset that a supportive comment has now been interpreted by two people as criticism, and thinking I won't ever bother to comment again, as my style is apparently offensive if I say anything other than *hugs* :/
I wasn't intepreting your comment as criticism, actually, and my comment about "pulling weight" referred to my friend's perception of *my* situation, not Rivka's.
I wasn't meaning to be attacking at all. Really, prior to having children, I might have written a similar post. It's just that without having done it, it's hard for most people to really "get" why moms with small babies just don't "take more time to themselves." And I know that for my friend that particular bit in that particular book was really enlightening.
Michael is much more of an involved and competent father than you seem to be assuming that he is - none of this is about not trusting him with the baby, or him not being willing to stay with her if I want to go out.
Honestly I can't think of anything that I would want to go out and do. And I can't think of when there would be time. One night a week Michael has gaming, and one night a week Bill comes over to spend the evening. Errands, plus trying to spend time with Michael, eat up the weekends. And on weeknights Michael doesn't come home until almost 7, and by the time we've gotten the baby to bed and had dinner it's usually after 9, which is late to go out if the odds are that you'll be up at 5am the next morning.
But mostly I just can't think of what I would use a Mom's Night Out for.
I wasn't assuming anything, and certainly nothing about his competence :( I was just trying to get at why you treated the idea of having a weekly night out with "Hahahahahahaha. No." So I wondered if, either consciously or unconsciously, you felt that you (as in rivka) personally had to be with Alex all the time, or Something Bad Would Happen. In some other comments you were giving the impression that you are the primary caregiver for Alex all or most of the time, and that maybe when Michael is looking after her you feel that you still need to be nearby/on call. Obviously, that isn't the case, and I apologise for anything I said that sounded like an insult.
As for what you'd use the time for, I thought the whole thing that sparked this off was your family getting sick and you having to cancel the first night out with Bill that you'd had in over a year. I just thought that while it's particularly unfortunate timing, it would have been less upsetting if you'd been able to go out a bit more often.
I can't really say why I do for a Mom's Night Out, since, well, I'm not one. But: a ZJ's Night Out tends to consist of me going someplace -- any place -- other than the house, often with a book and a cup of tea. Yes, you can do that at home too. For some reason, sometimes I like to go someplace *else* and be by myself and read. I've gone to all night diners for a few hours, I've gone to book stores, I've gone to the park or down by the river. I couple hours out not thinking about anything else tends to help me get a new perspective on life and such.
I would imagine a Mom's Night Out or even just a Rivka's Night Out could consist of the same -- from what I read here, I would think tea and a book would be right up your alley?
You're right, after 9 is late to go out with the schedule you've described. Is there any way you could fit in a bit of Rivka time on your way home from work? My mom tends to get up at very early hours to get and hour to two by herself here in the morning. How she does it I have NO IDEA. But she does, and she drinks her coffee and reads news online and that's how she starts her day and it works for her.
Maybe not even every week, but once or twice a month, or as needed? I don't know if it'll work for you -- I just know it tends to give me a boost when I need it.
Why, dates with Bill, of course! You could easily get back to once a week if you had a Mom's Night Out. Or you could opt for every other week and spend the off-week getting together with local friends, or going to a movie, or even chatting with me. Come on, wouldn't that be lovely?
i have to say that IM dates and phone dates leapt to mind. you sometimes seem starved for not-baby conversation that includes the option of returning to baby--so not anti-baby conversation?
i do wish i was closer so i could offer you a night out with michael--leave the baby with me, sort of deal--do the two of you get no baby time?
*many hugs, even though i know this is all old news*
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My mum's life was totally revolved around me. She had no interests of her own. When I left to go to university, she didn't have a clue what to do with herself, and it caused a lot of conflict for a couple of years, as she expected to have the same kind of relationship we'd had before, and I wanted to grow up.
I'm not saying you're in danger of that - hell, Alex is many years off university! I understand that you still have lots of Mommy hormones that are making you feel that you need to be close to the baby at all times. But you became co-parents with Michael because the two of you agreed to be. It seems unfair if you are prime caregiver for 7 out of 7 nights, even if he's there and helping you for some or all of that time. You need to have time off to see your other friends and other partners and just do stuff where you don't have to worry about the baby, because your co-parent is doing it.
Do you have local friends with small children? Maybe you could arrange a regular Mom's Night Out where you and the other usual or primary caregivers all go out together and leave your partners behind. If you feel even unconsciously "how on earth will the dads cope without us?", putting all the dads together in one place might solve this? In the worst case, there'll be multiple adults to clean the injuries and drive people to hospital :P I'm being deliberately provocative here, because I'm wondering to what extent you not getting time to yourself is your choice, and how much is unconscious expectations or beliefs?
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One of the chapters in there is on parenting, and discusses why the traditional parenting split has hung on for so long - it's far more efficient for one person to be the primary caregiver. Now, efficiency is not the end all be all, but it takes a conscious choice and measuring of other benefits received from the lost efficiency to decide if and when it's worthwhile to do things in a way that's not as efficient.
Really interesting book, all around - the parenting thing is just a little sidebar in the bigger work.
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But it was an if. I don't know what actually happens in Rivka's household or anyone else's! Even if I did, it wouldn't be my place to criticise, and I know that.
And I'm really upset that a supportive comment has now been interpreted by two people as criticism, and thinking I won't ever bother to comment again, as my style is apparently offensive if I say anything other than *hugs* :/
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I wasn't meaning to be attacking at all. Really, prior to having children, I might have written a similar post. It's just that without having done it, it's hard for most people to really "get" why moms with small babies just don't "take more time to themselves." And I know that for my friend that particular bit in that particular book was really enlightening.
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-J
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Honestly I can't think of anything that I would want to go out and do. And I can't think of when there would be time. One night a week Michael has gaming, and one night a week Bill comes over to spend the evening. Errands, plus trying to spend time with Michael, eat up the weekends. And on weeknights Michael doesn't come home until almost 7, and by the time we've gotten the baby to bed and had dinner it's usually after 9, which is late to go out if the odds are that you'll be up at 5am the next morning.
But mostly I just can't think of what I would use a Mom's Night Out for.
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As for what you'd use the time for, I thought the whole thing that sparked this off was your family getting sick and you having to cancel the first night out with Bill that you'd had in over a year. I just thought that while it's particularly unfortunate timing, it would have been less upsetting if you'd been able to go out a bit more often.
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I would imagine a Mom's Night Out or even just a Rivka's Night Out could consist of the same -- from what I read here, I would think tea and a book would be right up your alley?
You're right, after 9 is late to go out with the schedule you've described. Is there any way you could fit in a bit of Rivka time on your way home from work? My mom tends to get up at very early hours to get and hour to two by herself here in the morning. How she does it I have NO IDEA. But she does, and she drinks her coffee and reads news online and that's how she starts her day and it works for her.
Maybe not even every week, but once or twice a month, or as needed? I don't know if it'll work for you -- I just know it tends to give me a boost when I need it.
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-J
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i do wish i was closer so i could offer you a night out with michael--leave the baby with me, sort of deal--do the two of you get no baby time?
*many hugs, even though i know this is all old news*