I have a childfree friend who used to give me much the same sort of commentary - really feeling that my coparent wasn't pulling his weight or doing his share. Then he read "The Efficient Society - Why Canada is as Close to Utopia as It Gets."
One of the chapters in there is on parenting, and discusses why the traditional parenting split has hung on for so long - it's far more efficient for one person to be the primary caregiver. Now, efficiency is not the end all be all, but it takes a conscious choice and measuring of other benefits received from the lost efficiency to decide if and when it's worthwhile to do things in a way that's not as efficient.
Really interesting book, all around - the parenting thing is just a little sidebar in the bigger work.
I didn't say he wasn't pulling his weight! I said It seems unfair if you are prime caregiver for 7 out of 7 nights, even if he's there and helping you for some or all of that time. (Emphasis added for clarity). And I maintain that if one person is the primary caregiver all of the time despite there being two or more parents, that is unfair. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year? It can lead to situations like my mum's, where she had no life of her own, and she didn't even realise until after I left home. I understand that you have little choice if you are an only parent, but if there is another parent, it seems to me that they should take charge occasionally, unless there is some serious reason why they can't. (Like someone who is disabled enough that they would not feel safe being the only adult in the house at the time.)
But it was an if. I don't know what actually happens in Rivka's household or anyone else's! Even if I did, it wouldn't be my place to criticise, and I know that.
And I'm really upset that a supportive comment has now been interpreted by two people as criticism, and thinking I won't ever bother to comment again, as my style is apparently offensive if I say anything other than *hugs* :/
I wasn't intepreting your comment as criticism, actually, and my comment about "pulling weight" referred to my friend's perception of *my* situation, not Rivka's.
I wasn't meaning to be attacking at all. Really, prior to having children, I might have written a similar post. It's just that without having done it, it's hard for most people to really "get" why moms with small babies just don't "take more time to themselves." And I know that for my friend that particular bit in that particular book was really enlightening.
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One of the chapters in there is on parenting, and discusses why the traditional parenting split has hung on for so long - it's far more efficient for one person to be the primary caregiver. Now, efficiency is not the end all be all, but it takes a conscious choice and measuring of other benefits received from the lost efficiency to decide if and when it's worthwhile to do things in a way that's not as efficient.
Really interesting book, all around - the parenting thing is just a little sidebar in the bigger work.
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But it was an if. I don't know what actually happens in Rivka's household or anyone else's! Even if I did, it wouldn't be my place to criticise, and I know that.
And I'm really upset that a supportive comment has now been interpreted by two people as criticism, and thinking I won't ever bother to comment again, as my style is apparently offensive if I say anything other than *hugs* :/
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I wasn't meaning to be attacking at all. Really, prior to having children, I might have written a similar post. It's just that without having done it, it's hard for most people to really "get" why moms with small babies just don't "take more time to themselves." And I know that for my friend that particular bit in that particular book was really enlightening.
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-J