rivka | Urban cardio.

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baltimore

Urban cardio.

minnaleigh, I arrived home at 11:15pm and parked just past the cross-street.

There were two men standing on the corner, about five feet apart from each other, facing the street. Not interacting. The night was chilly and windy; they were dressed in heavy dark jackets and stocking caps. My immediate read? Drug dealers. There's a bar across the street from where they were standing, and we've had dealers work that corner before. They didn't look like they were looking for tricks, there's no bus stop on that corner, and they weren't stepping outside someone's house for a smoke. So probably dealers.

Drug dealers don't actually worry me. They can tell at a glance that I'm not part of their clientele - I've never been solicited. And they have a lot more money than I do, so I don't worry that they'll rob me. We generally ignore each other. So I walked briskly past these guys without making eye contact.

And sensed movement behind me.

A quick glance over my shoulder showed that one of them had fallen into step behind me, maybe ten feet away, and adrenaline jolted through my veins. I quickened my pace. He called out to me:

"You're okay, honey. I'm just walking." But he didn't stop or fall behind, and he said a couple more things to me. I'm not sure what, exactly, because I was focusing on the distance between us and between me and the house. I didn't get the impression that it was anything sexual or threatening - it sounded like he was trying to get me to turn around and talk to him.

I was walking very quickly indeed by the time I climbed my front steps. My key was ready in my hand, and had been since I'd stepped out of the car. As I fitted it into the lock, I felt him pass just behind me. And then I was inside, with the door shut and locked, breathing hard.

Now, the next day, I am wondering if I overreacted. In particular, I'm wondering if prejudice contributed to my sense of danger. I don't think so. I've been living downtown for almost three years now, and that's the first time I've really felt scared on the street. Our neighborhood gets a lot of foot traffic, and I've always felt safe enough walking a block or two on my own at night as long as I was going in a well-traveled direction. But I can't explain why my sense of menace was so strong, and why his reassurance felt like anything but.

Partly, I guess, I think that he should've slowed down and let me put distance between us once he realized that he'd spooked me. And I think he shouldn't have continued speaking to me. But is that fair?

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the first thing that i was told in self defense class is that your gut knows better than your conscious mind, a lot of the time.

i think the only other thing that you might have done is to tell him that if he's just walking could he give you some space then, but i've had plenty of sleep, am not tired, and am not in the middle of being seriously spooked and can't figure out a way to phrase it that doesn't invite more conversation or escalation on his part. and if he disregarded your request or escalated, the completely and totally proper thing to do then would be to escalate things yourself-- start screaming fire and calling 911.

i think you handled that very well, actually.

i think you handled that very well, actually.

The one thing that I think was unfortunate is that I showed him that I was scared.

I felt most vulnerable when I was standing at the top of my steps, opening my door - because I'd stopped moving. In retrospect, it might've made sense to call out "Michael, I'm home" as I was turning the key... just so he'd know that someone was inside the house expecting me.

You did the right thing. I would consider him falling into step behind me, trying to reassure me, and continuing to talk to me as threatening. And until there's a world where people don't vicitmize other people, I'll continue to consider that threatening and take steps to keep myself safe.

Always, *always*, listen to that inner voice.

I might well have called home from the car so that the door would be open when I got there. Whether your fear was *fair* or not is irrelevant. I know I've explained to Rob that if he's walking behind a woman on the street late at night, it may well be a lot less scary for her if he crosses the road and walks farther away from her, and he was surprised by that and has been careful to cross away from lone women since then. He doesn't want to contribute to anyone's feeling of fear, even if he's not a potential attacker.

*yike*. Yes. That sounds very definitely threatening, and quite a lot like one of the drills my self-defense class did a lot. Instincts are there to be trusted. I'm glad you're okay!

(fwiw, what we did in the drill, when someone was walking behind us and it felt menacing, was stop, spin around, and either yell "Back off!" or go right into a fight depending on what they did. If this guy was mostly enjoying making you scared and the sense of his power, staying put and yelling could well have worked. But since I've never had to try it for real...)

No, I think you reacted correctly. Not that I think he necessarily intended you harm -- but he recognized that you were alarmed by his closeness and yet didn't back off, which is rude at the very least.

If I'm walking alone at night, I always stick my longest key (usually the car key) out between the knuckles of my fingers with the rest of the bunch in my fist. I learned that in a self defense class years ago and it's the only thing that stuck.

Even though I imagine I'd be hopeless in a tight spot, and although I've never felt really threatened, I find it reassuring when I'm walking in the dark to have something, even something so small to hold on to.

Inexperienced here, but I vote with the majority -- someone spooks you, you don't tell yourself it's nothing. In a car chase, I know the best thing is to slow down to 15 mph so that the chasers get bored and give up, but it's possible the same thing walking would put you dangerously close.

Have you ever read what I've written about profiling?

I think you were 100% in the right. I think you should to trust your gut. We're not talking bizarre newspaper-only crimes that sieze the imagination and get everyone all out of whack; we're talking violence against women, something so common it's barely reported in the news.

B

Yes, it's fair. Have you ever read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker? One of the most important things he says, right after "Trust your gut -- you've got millions of years of evolution devoted to refining your perception that another animal is focussed on you as its prey", is that if someone is doing something that frightens you, they are in the wrong! It is not up to you to be polite, to worry about offending them, to try to make it right for them. If they are well-meaning, they can make it right by stopping the threatening behavior! If they don't -- and clearly the man who followed you knew that you felt threatened -- then they are not well-meaning!

And remember, I have uncanny insight into the minds of people who are acting like jerks.

Hee! That's true, you do.

I completely agree. Great book. Always trust your gut. It's always reacting to SOMETHING, and it's always in your best interest, whether it's over-reacting or not.

Another thing he points out is that nice guys don't offer to help you load your groceries in a dark secluded parking lot. They know that it will freak you out. The guy should have backed off or crossed the street when he realized he had freaked you out.

I've had similar experiences. Along with everyone else, I'll say "trust your gut". It is smart. I too sometimes put keys between my fingers, and for many years I carried one of my normal tools, an 8 inch wrench in my back pocket. I practiced grabbing it (not hard I took it out of that pocket many times a day) and whirling to confront someone who was behind me. Always figured they would have trouble hurting me if their wrist didn't work. Good hard kicks to the knees or blows to the nose work too. Not that I've ever had to use any of those techniques.
I think you did just the right thing.

Uh, no. I don't much like the "honey," but the keeping pace with a woman alone on the street at night from behind when you know she's aware of you and uncomfortable is inappropriate street behavior for someone who doesn't want to make a woman alone on the street at night uncomfortable.

I didn't assume until the last paragraph that the two men were any particular race, and my reaction was that the one who was walking after you was behaving inappropriately.

You have to trust your gut. I have an excellent friend who feels free to move about her area (Philly, old suburbs) at night, alone, but has on at least one occasion gone up to a complete stranger, linked her arm through his, and announced, "Those men over there are frightening me, and you are going to walk me home."

Which the complete stranger did, made sure she felt OK being home, and left.

K.

I think that once he recognized that you were uncomfortable, he should have crossed the street, slowed down, or made an effort to pass around you. It's common courtesy. Any gentleman knows that there's a reason why women are uncomfortable walking late at night by ourselves, and it has nothing to do with *him*. And to me, it's no different than making sure that you stand a number of feet back from someone at an ATM.

One thing I do, that makes me feel better, if someone is walking behind me on a residential street, it turn into the first walkway/sidewalk. I let them pass me, and then once they're a comfortable difference in front of me, I keep on walking. It keeps me feeling in control of the situation.

Both of those are right. He should have left you alone, and given you space. Your gut was right.

Yes, I think it's perfectly fair. You were spooked, and likely would have been regardless of who suddenly fell into step behind you. That he realized this, commented on it, and did nothing normal to ease that (namely, letting distance come between you, and to stop talking), is, well, weird. And it would have contributed to my own sense of menace. It's possible that he thought his chatter would calm you. Perhaps that was his goal so that whatever underlying plan he had could be carried out. Perhaps he really did just mean to soothe you. But once I've been spooked, the last thing to calm me is soft words from the stranger who caused it.

I agree with you that no, prejudice didn't contribute to your sense of danger. YOu didn't feel in danger until someone started keeping pace with you. That it was one of the dealer on the street is inconsequential.

I am in love with your icon.

*blush*

Yes, it's fair.

First, I agree with what other people have said, that if he was innocently walking along and realized he'd spooked you, he should have backed off or crossed the street, not said "You're okay, honey."

Second, I don't believe that it was pure innocent chance that, having been hanging out on the corner doing nothing, he started following you like that.

"Fair" is not a concept that even applies. The fool was inviting a confrontation. Assuming he's got the least bit of street smarts he was just being overconfident and stupid, because he had no way of knowing you weren't about to draw down on him. Anyone who walks Baltimore streets should be assuming that at least one quarter of all pedestrians are carrying.

Something I haven't seen anyone else having mentioned: he might well have been under some kind of chemical influence, which would have impaired his judgement of appropriate behavior, and made him potentially nine million times more dangerous.

Some thoughts, from someone who used to live on some very dangerous turf in Oakland: if he was a dealer, he was behaving very stupidly. The last thing an established dealer (or spotter working with a dealer) wants is to attract attention. Deliberately spooking women who live nearby is a good way to ensure that the area gets more police patrols, and that's very bad for business. A potential scenario is that the other guy was the dealer, and Mr. Friendly was a customer, hanger-on, or a fellow gang member.

Back In The Day (TM), I learned that if you're living in a bad part of town, the best security you can possibly have on your home is to have a drug gang dealing off your street. They strongly discourage other criminal behavior, like mugging, break-ins, or random attacks, since these things draw police attention. They're also very good about getting the drugs to the customers and then moving the junkies along; they don't want the junkies hanging around, drawing attention and being awkward with other customers. The worst threat in such a situation is happening to be in the path of a random bullet - or paying too much attention to a particular transaction, and making somebody nervous.

... I'm babbling. But yes, I agree that you did the right thing in that situation. I'm glad you're safe.

Back In The Day (TM), I learned that if you're living in a bad part of town, the best security you can possibly have on your home is to have a drug gang dealing off your street. They strongly discourage other criminal behavior, like mugging, break-ins, or random attacks, since these things draw police attention.

Even better: live in a neighborhood with the mothers of Mafia members. At least, thirty years ago this was even better. It was the quietest neighborhood I've ever been in, with the highest percentage of tiny elderly women dressed in rusty black shapeless garments.

I think any reasonable person would have felt menaced under those circumstances.

Overall, the situation's not fair. Violence against women shouldn't be such a menace that you would feel threatened in that situation even if it were innocent. But given that it is, and also that he was at the least being inconsiderate of your feelings, your reaction was fine.

I also second what others said about his being unlikely to just happen to walk that way right then, and it seeming likely that he was under the influence of something. How frustrating that it was so close to home, and lucky that you live with another adult.

Fair, and smart.

Unfair might have been calling the cops the minute you were safe inside to report him for menacing you. But what you did was simply common sense in the world you live in.

Fair, reasonable, and justified. Your instincts in the matter of Hinky Types are well-developed, given that your life's work is helping them become less hinky.

Everyone else has said "discretion is the better part of valor" better than I can. I'm just glad you are safe.

You did the right thing; always trust your instincts.

I live across the street from what I refer to as one of Seattle's Permanent Floating Crack Dealerships; there are evenings I'm willing to walk to the store two blocks away, and others when I'm not, and the same number of unsavory-appearing people will be there each time, it's just a feeling.

Take care, and give yourself credit for doing the right thing.

And not racist; the... projected menace? from him had nothing to do with his color, everything to do with who/what he is or intends.

All this is my opionion, of course...

It's very hard for anybody who wasn't in the situation to evaluate how you "should" have reacted in that situation. We know your description of how you felt, but we don't know what it would have felt like to us, or how we would have reacted instinctively. I'm with the people who say that you should trust those instincts, though. It doesn't hurt anyone for you to pay attention to them, and it might save your life.

-J

I'm glad you're okay.

Partly, I guess, I think that he should've slowed down and let me put distance between us once he realized that he'd spooked me. And I think he shouldn't have continued speaking to me. But is that fair?

Yes.

I agree with

wcg; A shot of pepper spray would have been reasonable and prudent, and might have taught him something.

Why would a shot of pepper spray be reasonable? From the description given he had not done anything to warrant assault. Yes, his actions were questionable. Yes, she should be on her guard. Yes, a BACK OFF confrontation may have been a good idea. But he had as much right to be on that street as Rivka did. Until and unless he makes a direct threat or takes direct action, he has done nothing to call for pepper spray. If she had sprayed him (from the account given) she would be guilty of Assault (and in some jurisdictions Assault with a Deadly / Restricted / Prohibited Weapon). She has no more right to assault him on the grounds of suspicion than he would have the right to pepper spray her for being scared.

I’m glad she came out of the encounter unscathed. I hate the idea that modern society has made it necessary for her to have felt worried for her safety. But an unprovoked attack is not the appropriate response.

I think you did pretty well. I get flustered sometimes. Anyway, the time to think it was nothing is after it's all over. While it's happening, you make the same kind of judgment you did, because it's important. I'm really glad you're okay. The cell phone idea is a good one. If you weren't far from the house, you could even have Mike be at the door and looking out for you. He should have given you more space.

Let's see. I agree with pretty much everybody.

You should not blame yourself in the least for being aware of a potential danger. I have been in the same situation many times and one of those times I ended up in the ER with a bullet inside me. This is not a fantasized danger.

That said i find it a tragic failure of our civilization that you have to be so careful on your own street. I wish we lived in a civilization where you could safely turn around and wish them a good evening when you meet strangers on your own street.

That said i find it a tragic failure of our civilization that you have to be so careful on your own street. I wish we lived in a civilization where you could safely turn around and wish them a good evening when you meet strangers on your own street.

You know, 99 times out of 100, I do feel safe walking on my own street after dark. And 99 times out of 100, I feel perfectly safe passing obvious members of the urban underclass with a friendly greeting. That's why my reaction to this surprises me so much.

Well, that it's rare should be reason enough to accept it was a valid reaction. Either you were on a hair trigger for some reason, or there was a real threat and you sensed it.

The important thing is, what you did was, at worst, annoying. You didn't sic the cops on him, or threaten him, or whatever. The worst, the absolute worst, that your actions could have done, is made him feel annoyed that you didn't believe him about being safe.

He might have been drunk/stoned/whatever; that might have been both what made you nervous and what made him act the way he did.

It sounds to me like you have a very good sense of what is "normal" and what isn't. If you were reading a threat, I'd bet very highly that there was actually one there.

That sounds pretty freaky. Personally I'd freak out if a man seemed to be following me no matter what colour he was.

A few months ago, I was walking home from the bus stop and I passed a pack of teenagers. I didn't think anything of it because there are always kids on that road- there's a park with a basketball court and older kids are always around. I kind of like it actually because they all have cell phones and I like to believe they'd call 911 if I was actually attacked. I was walking at my normal, fast, 'I want to get home and eat' pace and they decided I was walking fast because I was scared of them. So they pretended to chase me. Ha ha ha... not. They didn't actually run after me, they just ran in place so I was clearly in no danger but I was sure pissed off.

You were right, he was wrong (in the police sense of the word), and of course it was fair. Here's a thought experiment: if a white man in a suit and tie had been standing where he was standing, and walked when he walked, and said what he said when he said it, would you have felt threatened?

Being a sensible person, you certainly would. As Starhawk has pointed out, there's actually no more dangerous creature in the world than a white man in a business suit. But in addition, that behavior would be threatening no matter who did it. (Yes, even kids. I know someone who was mugged by a group of eight-year-olds.)

No, a man who's just hanging out suddenly starts following you and talking to you? Definitely something to worry about. You did the right thing. Now that you have some time to think, do you want to add devices to your purse? Learn how to take eyes out?

it doesn't sound to me like you overreacted, and from what you say you're not prone to being scared. and you know, this has little to do with "always trust your gut" (i think that's only good advice if one's gut is a decent assessor of risk) -- he behaved inappropriately. whether he did so because he was considering doing you harm, whether he was under the influence of some mind-altering substance, or whether he liked the little power kick it gave him to see you scared (that would be my guess from the description), the fact that he didn't back off just a bit to show that he wasn't a threat is quite enough to rationally conclude that you were better off further out of his reach.

he can have conversations with random people when he learns to act in a non-threatening manner towards a total stranger late at night. that's fair, you bet.

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Urban cardio.

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