Breastfeeding, formula feeding, and lactivism.

[rivka]

I gave Alex two bottles of organic whole milk today, and she sucked them both down. So, God willing, I've bought my last-ever can of formula.

I've been looking forward to this transition lately, and looking back at her birth and the time that followed. So breastfeeding and formula have been much on my mind, both in general and in terms of our own failure.

I still grieve the loss of our breastfeeding relationship. Not every day, and not always intensely - but reminders do still make me sad. I very much believe that breastfeeding is best for both the mother and the baby, and in our case there were health factors (a strong family history of allergies and Crohn's disease) that especially indicated the importance of breastfeeding. It's what I always imagined doing. It's what my mother did. It's what all my friends do. It is what is considered normal and desirable in my social circle. I thought we were going to breastfeed. I never imagined that we wouldn't.

Sometimes when I read about nursing, my breasts ache.

I don't feel guilty. I look back at our situation: a poor suck, very large nipples, gastric reflux disease, antibiotic-resistant mastitis. No weight gain ever from unsupplemented nursing; eventually, no weight gain even when I supplemented with pumped milk. Significantly below her birth weight at one month old. Before-and-after-nursing weight checks showing an intake of less than half an ounce. A sick and miserable baby. A sick and miserable mother. The real threat that my mastitis would require surgery. The desperate horror with which I approached the baby scale. I don't know how we could have held out any longer. Honestly, I don't know how we held out as long as we did.

My only regret is that I didn't pursue one lactation consultant's suggestion of going to a speech pathologist. At the time, it didn't even make sense; subsequently I've learned that lactation consultants know a lot more about maternal problems with breastfeeding than they do about infant problems, and that speech pathologists do actually diagnose and treat sucking problems. But I don't know. I also remember that, at the time, the process of getting a referral from my pediatrician, convincing my insurance company to accept it, making and keeping appointments, and going through unknown new therapies seemed overwhelming.

My other regret is how ashamed I felt. How pulling out a bottle in public made me want to hide. How I felt obligated to justify myself to every breastfeeding mother I encountered. How I avoided social situations where I thought I would be likely to meet lactivists. How much I still look forward to the day when Alex drinks all of her liquids from a cup, and I can get rid of the damned bottles entirely and leave this whole issue behind me.

I still feel ashamed, although my shame is now mixed with anger. I think about how hard it will be for me to seek breastfeeding support with my next baby, because it will mean exposing myself to the awful, awful things that breastfeeding advocates say about formula and the women who feed it to their babies. And I think that there has to, there has to be a better way to promote and support breastfeeding, a way that doesn't make women like me feel unworthy of being mothers at all.

There has to be.

I'm not even talking about the extreme cases - the strangers in LJ communities shrieking about how formula is child abuse, formula is as bad as cocaine; the woman on mothering.com who posted that she refuses to allow children's books into her home if they have pictures of bottles. I'm talking about discovering, just as I began to supplement with formula, that two of my LJ friends belonged to a community whose userinfo declared that every breastfeeder was a better mother than any formula-feeder. Not "making a better feeding choice" - a better mother. I'm talking about the woman who left a comment in my journal comparing making mothers feel guilty about formula feeding to making them feel guilty about not using a carseat, and who then went back and posted in her own journal about how awful it was that my friends were telling me that Alex would be okay even if I couldn't breastfeed her.

There has to be a better way to promote and support breastfeeding.

Some lactivists are unapologetic about the fact that women like me are the eggs they need to break in order to make an omelet. Others insist that of course they support women who really can't nurse. But always implicit in that support is the right of the lactivist - or anyone, really - to judge whether you tried hard enough. Always implicit in that support is the responsibility of the formula feeder to justify herself, to make her case, to - if necessary, if it looks as though she's going to be found wanting - berate herself for mistakes and admit that she was wrong.

"Of course, if a woman really can't breastfeed - like if she's had a double mastectomy - " I saw one lactivist post. Another told a story about how she learned not to judge: she and her breastfeeding friends were talking to a new acquaintance at the playground, and when this mother pulled out a bottle, everyone got quiet and looked away. The new mother explained that she was the baby's aunt; the baby's mother had died of cancer shortly after birth; the bottle held donated breastmilk. The lactivist and her friends then realized that they had rushed to judgment. Implicit in this story: if the story had been any less tragic, they would have been perfectly justified in their shunning.

"We shouldn't say that formula is second best. We should say that formula is fourth best, after nursing, pumping and bottle feeding, and using a wet nurse or a milk bank." I tried to post back here about how awful that argument made me feel, but I wasn't really able to articulate why. Since then I've seen it brought out many, many more times, and my thoughts have coalesced.

Here's the thing: I did pump. I pumped ten times a day when I first started formula feeding, and then dropped back to five or six times a day as my mastitis finally cleared. I got up in the middle of the night to pump. And the most milk I ever pumped in one day was eight ounces - about a third of what Alex consumed at that age. Using a hospital-grade pump didn't make any difference. And my milk supply dried up when Alex was four months old.

I've since found out that my situation is far from unusual. Most women can't pump enough to feed their baby pumped milk exclusively, and many of the ones who can are boosting their supply by taking a non-FDA-approved drug illegally shipped in from Canada, which has severe depression as a common side effect. It's particularly unlikely that a woman who had nursing problems from the start, and therefore never established her milk supply, would be able to pump enough to exclusively feed her baby. Most pumpers supplement with formula - or supplement formula with small amounts of breastmilk.

A wet nurse, or milk banks: milk-bank milk is not availble without a prescription, and typically the prescription needs to specify that the baby cannot tolerate formula or has some heightened medical need for breastmilk, such as prematurity. And even then? It costs $3 an ounce. $3 an ounce. The least formula that Alex ever took, when she was exclusively bottle-fed, was 24 ounces a day. She got up to 36 ounces a day before switching over to mostly solid foods. So even if I had been able to get milk bank milk, it would have cost me $72 a day to feed my baby.

So the "formula is fourth best" argument tells women who can't breastfeed that their second- and third-best options are things which, in all likelihood, are completely impossible for them. I've since heard from other women who can't breastfeed that some lactivists include another better-than-formula option in the list: "chimpanzee or other primate milk," which, for Christ's sake, give me a fucking break! As far as I can tell, that one's just down there for extra smugness, to push formula further and further down towards the unacceptable bottom of the mothering barrel.

How do people say shit like this, and live with themselves? I found out. Here's another thing I saw endlessly quoted in lactivist circles: "guilt is a sign of awareness that you're doing the wrong thing." And its corollary: "No one can make you feel guilty unless you know you are wrong." There it is: permission to say the most godawful things imaginable to another mother, secure in the knowledge that if it hurts her, it's her own damned fault.

There has to be a better way to promote and support breastfeeding. There has to be.

Comments

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this, rivka. I'm sorry you had to go through all this shit.

Each child is different -- just because Alex had trouble nursing does not mean your next will not be able to nurse.

[beaq.livejournal.com]

If you want to read even another bit of sympathetic text, cheesepuppet has a website detailing her opinions on the matter. I point to it because I think she's neat and because I found it today.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

One thing that hit me hard was something I saw recently, and I don't know where I saw it. It pointed out that, while, yes, there was *very* strong evidence that breast milk was better than formula, the research wasn't controlling for things that allowed a woman to breastfeed. In short, some of the advantage could be attributable to other factors.

I have no idea of the research that's been done. I don't know what, if any, attempts were made to control for other factors. It still made me realize that there were certain to be a lot of questions that hadn't yet been answered.

I don't know about how to better promote breastfeeding. I do know this: if your true goal is based in love, *YOU DO NOT USE THE TOOLS OF HATRED AND INDIFFERENCE*. Period.

I mean, I understand how it sucks when you can't figure out how to get people to do the right thing, when you're absolutely sure you know what it is. Nevertheless, that's one of the lessons of life.

[mhaille.livejournal.com]

(I am here by way of pixel. I don't believe we've ever been introduced, but hi. I am PG.)

I agree that there has to be a better way. I wish I knew what it was. And not just breastfeeding, but so many aspects of parenting.
I will say up front that I did have two successful nursing relationships. It made my life easier, yes. It did not make me a better parent, any more than having a c-section made me less of a "real" woman, or using the amazing stupefying powers of television to get in a shower now and again condemned my kids to a life of listless, overweight stupidity.

One of the biggest things I see is that there is so much information being thrown at new parents, and so many people questioning their choices, that it really encourages turning a vague preference into dogma because you have to defend it over. And over. And over, until you either go blue in the face or are ready to hand your child to the next person who questions you and say "Fine. YOU raise him, I'm going to go catch up on all the sleep I've lost."

I think that people need to go in on the assumption that most mothers (parents, really, although fathers do seem to dodge most of the worst of the judgment) are doing the best job they can do. And not "Oh, I know you're trying, dearie" with the unspoken implication that maybe you could try just a bit harder and everything would miraculously become perfect.

Grant that mothers have brains, which they are using in this endeavor. Grant that yes, the sanity and physical and financial well-being of the parents is an important part of the decision, not an afterthought. Grant that the goal of parenting is not to optimize your child like a tiny machine, but to get them safely to a point where they can use their potential, and that this margin is much more forgiving than some magazine cover would have you believe. Grant that there may be circumstances you don't know about. Grant that even if the situation is exactly what it looks like on its face it might be none of your damn business that someone else's child is not being raised exactly like your child. Admit that you have fallen short of your own expectations from time to time, because you are human, and realize that nobody is going to swoop down from on high and imprint your forehead with a scarlet B if you mention these failings out loud.

[I am always amazed by the parents who come out of the woodwork and thank me for admitting that sometimes I do not like this mommy job. This does not mean that I wouldn't do it again, or that I don't love my kids. It just means that it is sometimes physically taxing, or pushing the bounds of sanity, and I will not publicly uphold the idea that if we just worked a little harder (or worse, had the right Things) it would be clear sailing right up until they were 18 and you could escort them to the edge of the nest and hug them and they would fly off as fully functional adults.]

I think the best way to encourage breastfeeding is to expand the reach of those favorable circumstances. Make lactation consultants more widely available. As time goes on, more women will have friends or relatives who breastfed and offer support. (My mom made me a lap tray that would hold a book, all the remotes, and a big glass of water. It didn't make or break anything, but it sure made it a more pleasant experience.) Structure workplaces so that pumping is possible for more women. Tell women that yes, every little bit counts, even if they only do it for a week or nurse once a day or quit at the first sign of a tooth, and that any breastfeeding is a positive rather than saying that the lack of it is a negative. It still won't apply to every woman - I have a rant about the class divide, but this is long enough- but again, something is better than nothing.

[cheesepuppet.livejournal.com]

Hey! Thanks for the comment to my website, I appreciated it. I was curious to see who told you about it, and it was beaq! We also share jinian, kalmn, and wildferret.

I also wanted to tell you that I'm a huge fan of Respectful of Otters! I had no idea that was you. Neat.

As for your post here, it was a great read. I'm so sorry you went through what you did. I really wish that breastfeeding could really be just like the propaganda; "natural" and "easy". It hurts to see the same experience repeated over and over, and the boob nazis STILL don't get it. I'm glad more of us are writing about it though.

Do you mind if I add you to my friend's list?

[cheesepuppet.livejournal.com]

Oops....that link should have been wiredferret

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Someday I will start posting to Respectful of Otters again. Parenthood has sort of swallowed me up - I'm sure you know how it goes.

Sure, of course you can add me! No need to ask!

[juthwara.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. You've captured all of the things that have been bothering me about overzealous lactivists. I keep trying to write about it, and start out rationally only to devolve into “Grar! HULK SMASH!”

My daughter is about 2 1/2 months younger than Alex and has GERD as well. We started out breastfeeding well only to have it completely fall apart when the reflux started in earnest. As it turns out, it's hard to get a baby to latch when she's too busy arching back and screaming. With a bottle, I could tease the nipple past her mouth and get a few swallows down before the screaming started. It took six weeks to find the right combination of medication and diet changes, but I couldn't get her to start breastfeeding effectively full-time again. I was luckier than you in that I had a month to establish my supply and I respond well to a pump. So I've been feeding her a combination of pumped milk and formula for the past seven months.

You would think that La Leche League would have been the ideal place to go for help to get K back on the breast. But I couldn't bring myself to go to a meeting and hear in person what I read in multiple places on the Web:
-that formula is evil (hypoallergenic formula has been the difference between a sickly underfed baby and one in the 90th percentile for weight)
-that pumped milk in a bottle isn't as good as milk straight from the breast (it's second on the hierarchy, after all)
-sneering about all of the pathetic excuses women give for not being able to breastfeed
-odes to the special comfort and emotional bonding that comes from a child at your breast (speaking as the mother whose child's reaction to the breast was screaming in pain, I can only say “Ouch.”)
-that breastfeeding a reflux baby is easier than bottlefeeding (I found that gem in an article on the LLL website; I don't know what the author was smoking)
-the smug refusal to realize that breastfeeding is a relationship and that perhaps breastfeeding failure is because there's something wrong with the baby, not the mother

It's a sad state of affairs when the people a movement is trying to help shy away from it out of fear of its activists.

I'm a friend of fairoriana btw. I hope you don't mind if I friend you – I'm always on the lookout for fellow mothers of babies K's age and I enjoy the way you write about parenthood.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Of course I don't mind if you friend me! Hi!

Is K still on medicine for reflux? (Alex weaned off at seven months.) And are you a UCC seminary student? I was raised in the UCC church, and converted to Unitarian-Universalism not because of discontent for my religious upbringing, but as a solution to a mixed marriage.

I do wonder if the lactivists know the effect they're having on many women who are struggling with breastfeeding. It doesn't surprise me that you didn't want to go to LLL, because I can't imagine going there with my next baby. I'm not willing to make a full confession of my sins and beg for forgiveness, which I expect is the only way I'd be accepted.

And I know what you mean about the awful "relationship" comments. You know what? It was bad for my relationship with Alex, and hers with mine, for us to spend the vast majority of our time together having me try to force her to do something she struggled with. I never got to enjoy her.

And I hate the way they talk about formula feeding as though there's no cuddling involved - as if we just prop a bottle in the kid's mouth and walk away. I know that some women do, but I'm sure that they're in the tiny minority.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

My mother was hurt incredibly by lactivism when I was tiny, and no doubt it contributed to what seems to have been in hindsight massive PND. In fact, the nurses at the hospital where she recovered from a C/S-cum-myomectomy would only let her see me for FIFTEEN MINUTES A DAY because she wasn't breastfeeding. Still makes my blood boil to think of that. She spent more time with my DD as a tiny baby than with me! Therefore, I've been extra careful not to be judgmental when it came to breast vs. bottle, and I know that I was lucky to have a baby with a good suck.

C-sections have their place, formula has its place. Thank God for both!

[red-ruby.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your BF trials and tribulations, and importantly, the attitudes you've encountered. I agree there must be a better way to promote and support BFing.

Anyhow, I'm intrigued by your comment about domperidone "causing" severe depression. I did a fair bit of research before starting on it (It's commonly prescribed for gastrointestinal issues here, though also recognised as a lactation booster which is why I got a Rx).
I used it when I was embroiled in a 12-15 hr a day job (long story there) when my twins were 9-10 months old. Even with the extra production, C&J still consumed more than I produced, using up a stash from our freezer.)...but I don't recall coming across this side effect or contraindication. Do you recall where you saw/heard the info?

[rivka.livejournal.com]

AFter further research it looks as though the blog I read about it on was conflating domperidone with another galactagogue. Sorry to have passed on misinformation.

[janni.livejournal.com]

Well said, all of this.

I think this is one of those things where those on all sides need to accept that this is a personal, individual decision, and stop telling each other what to do.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I came back to this post from the Making Light comment thread. I think you were exactly right that the icon controversy cannot be separated from the nursing v. formula mommy wars as long as the more hardcore lactivists say things like "Nursing is the only proper way to feed a baby."

I've been thinking about you during this whole dustup, and wondering how it was affecting you. I hope it hasn't been too stressful.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

No, I'm okay. Thank God it didn't happen at this time last year, though, when the hormones and guilt and fever and exhaustion and uncertainty and guilt and guilt and guilt were still so prominent.

Still: the first day that formula passed Alex's lips, she was one month old. She weighed five ounces less than her birth weight. She had not gained even as much as half an ounce over the previous nine days, and had begun to lose weight. A before-and-after-nursing weight check at the lactation clinic that day showed that she took in less than half an ounce of milk during a feed.

In the course of the week following the introduction of formula, she gained more than a pound.

And yet, I'm apparently supposed to believe that that was the day that I stopped feeding her "properly."

[apis-mellifera.livejournal.com]

I'm here from Making Light.

Thank you so much for posting this. I don't have children, but my sister has a 4 month old who weighs only 10 pounds--only a pound and a half above her birth weight. She's had similar problems that you seem to have had with your daughter, but not nearly as awful, and she just recently made the decision to stop nursing. She's going to pump as much as she can, but she's decided that it's not helping her or her daughter to continue to struggle with breastfeeding. She has an amazing LC (paid for by WIC!) who is very laid back about formula and a supportive pediatrician, and without them, she wouldn't have made it as far as she did.

My sister has made absolutely the right decision for her family, but that doesn't matter to some people. To some people, she didn't try hard enough and she's a bad parent. And it just makes me so incredibly angry that people could judge her, without knowing everything that she's had to deal with since P. was born.

[kaitiana.livejournal.com]

Also here from Making Light. Hope you don't mind my posting a mini-novel (and friending you as well). I have a five-month-old son I am completely in love with. I did a ton of researching prior to conceiving and during my pregnancy. I intended to have as natural a birth as possible (though I was allowing for the possibility of pain meds if I just couldn't take it) and very much intended to breast-feed for at least the first year. Worst-case scenario (for me), I wanted to nurse the first three months. Unfortunately for me, things just didn't work out according to plan. Baby decided to flip around breech at the last minute AND had the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times, so I had to have a C-section. We found this out the day of my due-date and, while I'd been planning to wait longer if possible for him to decide to come on his own, ended up having an unplanned but scheduled (if that makes sense) C-section early the next morning.

Baby turned out to be a natural nurser, which excited me no end. It took a bit of positioning, but he latched right on and had a great suck. Unfortunately, from the beginning I had supply issues. Added to that the fact he had low blood sugar from day one and we were just sabotaged in our nursing efforts. Hormonal and recovering from the surgery, the last thing I wanted them doing was poking my poor baby in the foot all the time so I agreed to supplement the breast milk with formula to get his blood sugar levels in the normal range. It took a couple days, but finally they did level off. By then the damage had been done.

I spent the next weeks and months doing everything I could think of to get my supply up. I bought a great electric pump and pumped in addition to nursing. I got up nights to nurse and pump. Try as I might, I never could get my supply up very much. The most I would ever pump at a time (no matter the differing schedules I tried) was 1.5 ounces per breast. And that was in a particularly good pump. Typically I would manage to pump MAYBE 4-6 ounces in a day. A very good day. Unfortunately for my already bruised sense of self-worth as a mommy, this level did not stay consistent. It dropped off. Once I went back to work I continued pumping 3-5 times during the work day, in addition to nursing and pumping at home. My supply further decreased. Eventually I was lucky to get ONE OUNCE from both breasts after an ENTIRE DAY of pumping. This despite trying fenugreek and a weekend spent diligently nursing baby to get my supply up.

Finally, for my own sanity and the baby's well-being, I "forgave" myself for not being able to get my supply up. I "allowed" myself to be content with and proud of the 3 months nursing with formula supplementation I had managed. And I decided that the most important things are a happy, healthy baby and a happy, healthy (including mentally) mother, and to hell with anyone who believes or preaches otherwise. They're not living my life, so I'm sure as hell not going to give them the power to hurt me with their ego-centric, spiteful words.

I'm not going to lie. I shed some tears and criticized myself before I finally found peace with my decision. But my baby is 5 months old now and he and I couldn't be more in love or more closely bonded. Formula and all.

[kaitiana.livejournal.com]

er, 1.5 ounces per breast should be 1.5 ounces FOR BOTH...And that was only when I spaced the pumping out 3-4 hours. Otherwise I was lucky to get 2/3-1 ounce per both breasts...*babble*

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm so glad to hear that it has a happy ending for the two of you. Five months is a really fun age.

You might enjoy the parenting community plan_survive (motto: "No parenting plan survives contact with the baby"). It's been very much attack-free and competitive-parenting-free, in my experience.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Here's another thing I saw endlessly quoted in lactivist circles: "guilt is a sign of awareness that you're doing the wrong thing." And its corollary: "No one can make you feel guilty unless you know you are wrong." There it is: permission to say the most godawful things imaginable to another mother, secure in the knowledge that if it hurts her, it's her own damned fault.

This really jumped out at me. Does anyone else see the connection to the culture of bullying? (Well, I'm sure you do, Rivka!) How many times have we heard this excuse from people saying hurtful, nasty things? "No one can hurt you unless you LET them." It's the perfect abuser's get-out-of-jail-free card.

Perhaps it's time to acknowledge that lactivism has strong connections with playground bullying.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

June 6th. This is probably the only thing I'll post today (though I am not adamant about the boycott, because I'm not likely to take my business elswhere. I'll make my various levels of annoyed felt in other ways).

I'm sorry I missed this at the time (I followed the Making Light link).

I'm sorrier it happened. The levels to which ideologues will go never fails to astound me. Heaven help the people who try to pull that shit on Maia should she have problems breastfeeding (and I mean that in the broadest sense of problems, if she can't make her schedule work and the option are the life we want/income to make everything else work out well, vs. breastfeeding, we'll use bottles).

Is breast feeding better? I think so. Is it essential, no, not at all.

Is not breastfeeding something to shun, mock, ridcule and abuse people for, no. Not at all. Not acceptable in the least.

On a tangiental note, you are right, there has to be a better way to promote it, one that doesn't need that sort of politically correct absolutism to prevent the sorts of idiocy LJ is doing right now. I'm croggled at both the idea that Maddonnas and Child are outlwed if the baby is feeding.

I'm even more croggled that lacktivists would say chimp milk is to be preferred to tailored formula (and where, the rational mind asks, are they going to get said milk, and who has checked to see it's adequate?)

I'm sorry Rivka, for all of it.

TK

[gingicat]

Thank you for writing this.

One person I thought was my friend not only said (in her own LJ) that she was disappointed in my choice, but that it was my family's fault for not making it possible for me to pump eight times a day. I had breast reduction surgery, and I lost so much blood during delivery (due to a placental abruption) that I needed a blood transfusion afterward, and I had severe postpartum depression. So I chose the option that allowed me to bond with my baby, rather than being forcibly separated from him for four hours a day for a "solution" that had no guarantee of working.

I am lucky; I have a friend who has more frozen breastmilk than she knows what to do with, so Joshua gets breastmilk once a week. But even if he didn't, he'd still be healthy and happy and loving, because formula is *not* evil, just not as good.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

I understand. Maybe not completely, but I do understand.

My daughter's weight crashed from the 93rd to 11th percentile over the course of her first month of life, due to what we now know was GERD combined with a severe case of thrush.

I was trying to pump to build a supply, but given the choice between pumping (which would give me 2 oz if I was LUCKY) while my baby screamed in pain and holding Alex upright after a feed to make the reflux less painful, guess what won? :P

My husband had a psychiatric breakdown around this time and was in partial hospitalization - we lost a few friends because they insisted that he wasn't really bipolar and in need of medical help, he was just "acting like a spoiled little boy instead of a decent husband and father." *growl*

The breast is NEVER, EVER more important that the loving and available parent, and it absolutely infuriates me when people say or imply otherwise.

Wow...just...wow.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so sorry you experienced this. The attitudes you described almost perfectly describe why I frequented the mothering.com boards less...and less...and less...then none. It's a shame, because I gained a great deal of knowledge and confidence there before my daughter's homebirth.

With your permission, may I use a quote from this text on my local board as an explanation of what worries me?

Allison (http://ftlog.meanderwithme.com/)
allison dot burge at gmail dot com

Re: Wow...just...wow.

[(Anonymous)]

Hi another Alison here by way of Allison above.

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. I had a similar experience and while I'm fine now (son is 21 mths old)- all's it takes is for me to read something as powerful as this and I am suddenly pushed back in time to when son was born, had jaundice, latch not established, different story from every LC, finally he was on a machine @ home days 3-9 of his life and I pumped every 3 hrs and bottle fed to get his weight up...never latched...felt guilty as hell, cried all the time, and pumped like a maniac. Even tried LLL, what a f'in joke that was- between that fact that a)I would be working FT and b) that I equated pumping w/bf'ing thus thought LLL was a natural place to go for help. I EP'd exclusively for 4m, then mixed bm + formula through month 6, so I really feel your pain.

FTLOG, it's totally noone's business WHAT baby is consuming...unless ironically that would be nothing and then CPS would be @ your door.

OH the judging, I still feel the sting!!! I loved all the "it'll work out". Um, exactly how?!?!

BTW- I was also told to contact this local hospital/university that has a sucking clinic-- where they could determine if it indeed was a latch problem. I mean really. Today could I take him? Hell yeah. Could I have taken him when I was one week PP? Hell no. I couldn't even walk around the block, shower on a daily basis, or eat with any regularity.

Sorry for the ramble...Thanks for sharing!

Alison
http://www.alisonandbabyg.blogspot.com

Thanks for showing me your blog

[(Anonymous)]

I've felt quite alone about this issue. I've had a right trashing on many boob nazi websites when all I was hoping for was some advice or support. I felt such a failure that I even contemplated that I was SUCH a shit mother for not being able to breastfeed that it would be better if I was dead. That's how far I got into PND. Thankfully I was not in that place for long. As soon as I used formula and we were both happy (me not in blinding agony and her getting the food she was starving for), I started to enjoy being a mother. Now, when I see what I bring to her life, I am more ashamed I let it get to me so badly I could have denied her a mother. As I have said before it is amazing how being rational can leave you when you are desperate.

The thing that is most hurtful is the lack of sisterhood. The lack of support between women and the level of judging. It is soul destroying.

From Emily http://doingitallagain.blogspot.com

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

You are 100% correct - there is a better way to promote change and support than extremism. This is true of any issue - be it political, social or economic.

I have found, in general about the extremists:

* there is much more heat than light in those discussions. Honestly, the amount of misinterpretation of science is astonishingly high. And the cherrypicking of studies is also prevailent. I find the same behavior in the anti-vax and anti-circ communities, both of which I avoid like the plague.

* on an average mothering.com lactivism thread, there may be 100 posts, 80 may be reasonable or rather inoffensive, 10 are borderline, and 10 are over the top insane. The insane ones tend to set the tone, unfortunately, and they are the ones that everyone responds to or remembers. (In addition, unfortunately, the way MDC is set up, members are not really encouraged to selfpolice the forums, so most of the moderation takes place behind the scenes).

* this is a broader symptom of the "one true path" extremism in parenting. Breastfeeding is particularly intense since a. the science is pretty clear about the benefits of breastfeeding when all else is held equal (and note - the health of mother and child trump breastfeeding - and it is sad that it even has to be said), b. the practices of formula companies really are undermining breastfeeding in many communities (and they cannot deny it since as for-profit compamnies, their goals are to increase market share) and have been significantly harmful over the past 30 or so years, c. we are experiencing a social revolution in social acceptance of breastfeeding - there is still a long way to go to create a pro-breastfeeding culture, and this causes a lot of intensity. While this intensity can be useful to create social change, it brings out the wack jobs too.

* some people want to be in the minority and fighting all the time. They like the self-righteousness and the feeling of prevailing against victimization. And they find issues to defend that allow them these feelings.

I do post on the lactivism board on mdc - mainly to try to have discussions about what we can do that is positive and productive. And to remind people that bashing formula feeders and formula != lactivism.

Siobhan