Random encounters.

[rivka]

About six weeks ago, I noticed a woman watching Alex and me play in the park. After a while, she came over, asked about the baby, and eventually told me that she'd just found out that she was pregnant for the first time at forty. Scared, excited. We wound up chatting for more than half an hour - she had lots of questions about pregnancy, labor, delivery, and of course I had lots of opinions and suggestions. I remember her telling me that she had just moved to Baltimore - used to have family here, didn't anymore. I gave her my midwife's name, and we parted ways.

This afternoon, I was walking from the clinic to the Institute with a biohazard container full of blood samples. Just by pure chance. One of my assistants got stuck at the clinic longer than she'd expected, the blood needed to get to the lab, and the other assistant wasn't around to send, so I went myself.

Someone stopped me. "Hey! Remember me? How's the baby?" She looked familiar, but I couldn't place her. I assumed she knew me from the clinic, until I answered her "What are you doing down here?" by saying I was taking some blood over to the Institute and she said, "Oh, you work here?" Then she mentioned her pregnancy, and I realized who she was.

Things weren't going so well. She'd found the father of the baby cheating, and when she confronted him about it he beat her up. The baby was fine, she'd been checked out, she was okay too but dehydrated - they'd given her fluids at the ER. But she had no place to go - she'd slept on the street last night, and all the shelters were full. She had nothing. Well, at the hospital they'd found one place with a bed, but it was in Reisterstown - did I think she could walk there? She started to cry, just a little.

"Are they holding a bed for you at the shelter?" I asked her. Yes, but she had no way to get there. "Did they give you directions for how to get there?" Yes, she had bus directions.

"Okay. I need to take this blood to where it's going; I can't stand here in the sun with it. But then we'll get this figured out."

So she trailed me to the Institute, and sat outside smoking a cigarette (yeah, I know) while I ran the blood up to the lab. I walked her to the hospital cafeteria and, over her protests, bought her a liter bottle of water, some orange juice, and a couple of bananas. She told me that she had an emergency appointment with the housing office at Social Services tomorrow morning, and was told that she'd probably be given high priority for available housing. The police had told her that they would escort her to her place to pick up her things, also tomorrow. She told me that she was expecting a girl. She told me that I had stuck in her mind, after our encounter in the park, because of how kind I was to her.

I saw something on the strap of her purse that gave me pause, and debated mentioning it for a while. Then I decided that I had to give it a shot. "I don't know if I mentioned before that I'm a psychologist," I said. "That means that I'm incredibly nosy with questions. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business... but I see your NA keychain (Narcotics Anonymous. They give out keychains as symbols of "clean time" without drugs or alcohol.), and I'm wondering how you're doing with all this, in terms of your recovery."

She looked down. "Oh! Oh, yeah. I'm ten years clean, I just kept this one because it was the first chip I ever got. And... let me put it this way. If I didn't use when my parents died, I'm not going to use now." Then she said, "Besides, there's too much at stake."

I gave her my business card, with my home number written on the reverse. I told her to call me when she got to the shelter, and that if she was still there over the weekend she could call me and I would come visit her. I told her that, when the time came, I could help her out with some baby things.

I gave her $3.50 in cash, the price of a one-day transit pass. I told her to keep in touch, and that although I didn't have much spare money I could certainly spare a helping hand. And then I saw her to the door of the hospital and watched her go.

Here's where I'm kind of hating myself: I haven't been able to shake the small, nagging suspicion that I got played. I'm obsessing about it a little, actually.

On the one hand, what are the odds that she'd even run into me again? That could hardly have been a setup. If she were scamming me, wouldn't she have tried to play it for more money after I made it clear that I believed her and was willing to give her something?

On the other hand, for some reason my gut isn't willing to let it rest. I don't know what that is - whether I subconsciously picked up on some sort of inconsistency or flaw in her manner, whether it's just the general "trust, but verify" approach I've picked up from working with my client population, whether I'm just reacting to the considerable social differences between us.

I just Googled for Baltimore homeless shelters, and found that there is in fact a women's emergency shelter in Reisterstown, run by the YWCA just as she had said. For what that's worth. (She hasn't called. For what that's worth - I'm not sure what access she'd have to a telephone, staying in a shelter.)

I'm trying to tell myself: if she played me, well, that performance was impressive enough to have earned her the $7.50. ($3.50 in cash, $4 in cafeteria stuff.) I'm out less than $10, and feeling like a fool doesn't actually injure a person. On the other hand, if she was telling the truth? Then passing her by would've done a lot more than $7.50 worth of damage to my soul.

"You didn't give her enough for a rock," my assistant Greta said. (It's the basic manufacturing and sales unit of crack cocaine.) And that's true. "We see research subjects every day that we know are using, and we pay them in cash knowing what they're going to do with it." Also true.

I wish I knew why this bothered me so much. Okay, okay, I know that it pushed all my buttons - domestic violence, woman and baby in peril. Maybe that alone is why I can't let the suspicion go.

Man, do I feel like a jerk for even letting liar-addict-scammer cross my mind, much less take up residence there.

Comments

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

At least in Boston, phones in shelters are often payphones. (Or, in some cases, there aren't any phones at all.)

There are organizations that provide voice mail for folks in shelters, but it costs somewhat more for the "buy an hour of service" cel phones, so they're not as often in use.

Just from your brief run-down, the story sounds like it checks out, but your gut is your gut, and I find people's guts often pick up on things their intellects don't. So who knows.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

My gut reaction is that even liar-addict-scammer moms could use a half hour of caring and some OJ. You done good.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

what serene said. exactly.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

Thirded.

[aloha-moira.livejournal.com]

Perfectly stated.

Given your line of work, I think it's normal to have that "trust but not 100%" reaction. I think the fact that you're still capable of believing the best about people speaks volumes about the sort of person you are. :)

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

Yep. Just so.

-J

[cheesepuppet.livejournal.com]

Yep, great point. It helped, no matter what the true story is.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts on this, but they're along the lines of that it's not bad of you to be suspicious; it's bad of the people who have taken advantage of your trust in the past, to have done that. It's perfectly reasonable to be suspicious, given the circumstances, particularly given the people that you talk to every day, and the situations they're in. In fact, I think that, given your work, you showed amazing charity and trust in her. Ultimately, if she abused your trust, it will harm her far more than it could possibly harm you. I don't want to say "I hope it's true" because nobody should have to be in that situation, but for your sake, I hope that things are resolved in such a way that your trust in people is not (further?) damaged.

We all do the best we can. Sometimes, we second-guess other people; sometimes, we second-guess ourselves. Overall, you're a tremendously good person. I would be afraid to measure myself up to you, and I mean that in the best sense possible. :)

[elisem.livejournal.com]

My advice is worth what you pay for it, but...

Don't squelch your instincts. Something there got your attention. You don't know what it is, but it was something. There's no way to assess it without more data, and I can't say I think it's a great idea to go fishing for more in this case, truthfully, but do not devalue your instincts.

Let the instincts and gut feelings sit alongside the rest of the ways you get your data. Some days, you catch things with one method, some days with another. On the really good days, two or more methods give good cross-referencing. But don't discard a reading just because you do not at this point know why this anomalous-seeming reading came up. It wouldn't be good science to do so. Nor would it be good for you, or any of us, to throw one of our instruments of investigation away. Put it down in the book with a question mark, note the weird feeling, and let it be, and be good to yourself. You do not need to prove anything by either believing or disbelieving or trusting or distrusting.

There, that's my bossy ten cents' worth.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I'm reading, "Naked," by David Sedaris right now. I don't know if I'd call it a great book or not. However, there is a chapter about the main character and an accomplice he meets in school doing a lot of shoplifting, hitchhiking and generally taking advantage of people. Near the end he talks about how his accomplice turned around and among other things decided to write her memoirs. In reading a draft, he was struck at how she described the experience more in terms of people being kind to them and how everybody wanted to help them and didn't at all look down on the people and couch it in terms of them scamming suckers. Right at the close of the chapter, he comments that he thinks that she had come to the realization that people aren't so much stupid as kind. He continues to say that it took him many more years to discover that himself.

I'm not sure if that's powerful insight or a bunch of pretty words on a page that just sound good put together. I'm still mulling it over.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

My instincts scream "no", you didn't get played. Now, if she'd needed $30 in gas money, and you'd given it to her, yeah, maybe then. But if she was playing you, she'd have come up with an emergency that demanded *something*, and gas money would be a dandy excuse.

If you're worried because she sought you out, well, you do make an impression on people, and I think you probably impressed the blazes out of her. You're a lot smarter (and wiser) than the average person; you're just a lot more used to being that way so you don't notice it. (And no, that's not flattery... I'm being perfectly serious here. You probably don't realize how much of an impression you could make on an average person who wants information and help.)

That she didn't think to hide the NA sign suggests to me that she truly had forgotten about it. If it was a new, 30day clean token, she'd have hidden it; if it was a one year token, she'd have boasted about it and used it as part of the scam. (And if the time was indeterminate, she'd have played it up one way or the other, and made it part of the pitch if you noticed it.)

In fact, everything about it (other than her seeking you out and quickly telling you her story) strikes me as an ordinary encounter.

Are you thinking this because she hasn't called back? She might not want to impose. Or, she might be afraid that she *would* ask you for help, or that you would think she was hitting you up.

I do hope you can get past this. You're not being a jerk for having these thoughts cross your mind; you're in a life where that's part of your reality; of course you can't help but think that. If you can figure out why it became important to you this time, though, you might figure out if it's your instincts steering you truly or your fears steering you awry.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

That she didn't think to hide the NA sign suggests to me that she truly had forgotten about it. If it was a new, 30day clean token, she'd have hidden it; if it was a one year token, she'd have boasted about it and used it as part of the scam.

It was the "Just For Today" chip that means, I think, one day clean. And it didn't look new at all. Her NA story rang completely true to me, given my rather considerable experience of NA members and the language they use.

And it occurs to me that, either way, it was probably good that I mentioned it. If she's a scammer addict, it let her know that I know addicts. If she's exactly what she was presenting as, it let her know that I wasn't going to freak out if I ever learned her history.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

My take may not be yours: you gave a gift. It doesn't diminish the gift if the recipient wasn't really worthy, whatever worthy means.

Even if she isn't who she says she is, surely the memory of your kindness may someday help her?

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

My guess is that you didn't get scammed. That's a whole lot of work for a tiny amount of money; a scammer would have taken you for more. And there's no way the first meeting was a setup for a $7.50 scam.

The math just doesn't add up.

B

[rivka.livejournal.com]

The "person in distress" scam usually depends on a lot of different people buying the story. So if she racked up food/busfare money from six or seven different people, that might be worth it.

The other alternative, I suppose, is that the meeting yesterday could possibly have been a setup for getting back in touch with me today and desperately needing $100. But you're right, there's no way to make our first meeting fit.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

Yes, it would be a quick scam that depends on volume. But a volume scam has to be quick. This was too lenthy to be a quick scam, and too cheap to be a long scam.

I think you did fine.

B

[jenett]

It puts me in mind of that old story about the theological school ethics final. End of semester, students arrive at the location they've been told about for the exam, to find a note saying "Exam moved to Y location" and any time they're late cuts into their exam time. Location is, of course, on the other side of campus.

Heading over there, there is someone who is obviously in trouble, in a time-consuming way, and who is dirty/smelling of alcohol/whatever other distasteful things. The exam, of course, is whether or not the student stops to help or not. Some things are more important than exams.

It's an insanely sappy story, but I keep wondering if there's a point: being a good person is easy when it doesn't ask a lot of us: it's harder when we're unsure or it's asking more time, commitment, etc.

In this case, I think you struck a really good compromise. You didn't give lots of financial assistance (and I'm guessing it wasn't more than you could afford to do.) More than half of it was directly in the form of food (and reasonably healthy food, all things considered). Money's way tight for me, and I could still manage to do that, and would, I hope, if it was a situation like you describe.

Is it possible that the thing that's weirding you out a bit is giving out your home phone? That's probably the step I wouldn't have taken (though my cell phone isn't readily attached to my actual address, these days.)

I agree that it's quite possible there wasn't a phone. (Or enough privacy to feel comfortable explaining who she was calling, maybe? It might be weird to explain why she was calling you, when she didn't really know you well.)

[elusis.livejournal.com]

FWIW, Rivka, when I was nearly played by a woman with the "homeless, battered, with kids in tow" trilogy, it played out much differently. When she hit me up (in the lobby of a bank as I was using the ATM), I tried to offer her the business card for a minister friend who could connect her with resources, and offered to buy her and the kids lunch at a nearby KFC. She became aggressively hostile and cussed me out for "not believing her" because I wouldn't give her money, and then took the kids and left.

So I have no idea what the "truth" of your situation is, but just your description feels a lot different. And regardless, I think your analysis of what the 7.50 cost you versus what it would have cost you to say no is valid.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Having spent a year being homeless, I saw far more scamming going on than I would have believed possible, and none of it matches up with her story. Aside from anything else, the scammers don't have the patience to wait for someone to figure out how to work things out, they "need x amount of money right away to [fill in the blank, be it get a bus home or whatever]," and it's never that small an amount. It sounds like she didn't even directly ask for anything.

And also, what others have said about it would have cost you more to not give...

--g, incoherent as usual

[eeyorerin]

Yeah, back when I volunteered at a women and children's house in Baltimore, we once had someone try to scam us right in front of the shelter as we were leaving to drive home. When we asked if she had been inside to ask them for help, since what she was asking for (formula for her baby and diapers) were available right inside, she cussed us out for not just giving her money.

This seems different, but I can see how it might seem...weird to run into someone again, and if I were in your situation, I'd have the same feelings. I do think you did the right thing, though.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've had encounters like that too, where there's always a reason why non-cash help is no good and where the person is quick to escalate with anger. Those are the easy ones to manage. ;-)

[kightp.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything to say that others haven't covered well already wrt the question of whether you were played.

I can say that I think you did a good thing for someone who, at the time, seemed to need some goodness. Even if she was playing you, I think that's an action worth honoring.

[tea-dragon.livejournal.com]

Ugh- that would be a hard thing to let go of, not knowing whether to be worried for a poor, homeless mom and baby, or to be worried that maybe she's someone who took advantage of you, and might try to do it again. Still, I think you handled it bravely, compassionately and well. I hope she'll be all right, whatever her deal is, and that you will find a sense of resolution somehow. At least you know that you didn't turn down a request for help.

[ailbhe]

As an ex-homeless person, I think maybe she lied. Maybe she didn't go to hospital but wanted you to think she had in case you made her go and she got found. Maybe she wasn't beaten up as badly as she said but she was afraid a hard shove against a doorframe wouldn't be enough to make you want to help her. Maybe she got beaten up and hit back and *he* went to hospital and she's just running away. I know I told partial truths - including lying and saying I'd had medical attention when I hadn't - so that nice people wouldn't think I was a stupid person neglecting myself and getting myself into a well-deserved situation.

I think you got basically the truth - she is in an appalling situation and needed help for herself and her baby - but probably slightly amended to whatever she thought put her in the most likely to get help light. She probably hates herself, at least a little bit - why would you, however kind a stranger you are, want to help her?

And as for the phonecall... begging once takes a lot of courage. Phoning back to say "You know how you gave me handouts before? Can I have some more, please?" well, I couldn't do it.

[hawkida.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that last bit is the only part I feel I can make a judgement call on: Making a phonecall is tough - how do you start a conversation like that? It doesn't surprise me in either scenario that she wouldn't phone and doubt it's indicative of anything. You did good.

[redbird]

Yes. If rivka gets a call, it's as likely to be six months from now, to say something like "I wanted you to know that I had the baby, and she's gorgeous".

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I think you got basically the truth - she is in an appalling situation and needed help for herself and her baby - but probably slightly amended to whatever she thought put her in the most likely to get help light.

This makes a huge amount of sense, and it would account for both my uneasy feeling and the implausibility of it being a straight-out scam all the way through. Thanks.

[tchemgrrl.livejournal.com]

I have some family members that have been homeless, and all that rings true. It sounds like she was grateful to find a friendly ear, and was maybe *hoping* for help once she saw you, but that's several steps removed from *demanding* help that is specifically in the form of money.

Not calling makes sense too. A lot of times my aunt wouldn't call once things went from dire to merely bad, when she'd had time to get embarrassed.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Yeah. There's no way I would call back either, at least not right away.

(Um, that is, me as an ex-homeless person, as well.)

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

First, I don't think you got played. Second, if you got played, so what?

There's a quote in the Talmud about scammers, which says, basically (this is from memory so it's not exact), "Blessed are the scammers, because if it wasn't for them, we'd all be sinning every day."

The rabbis expected that you'd get scammed every once in a while. And that you just accept that fact and move on. It's not to be worried about.

[kip-w.livejournal.com]

I've been taken in a couple of times. It happened when I saw somebody actively needing a ride. They're adept at asking for just one more thing, just one more thing. One time it was a woman who needed to get to the bus stop, and then she needed some money, blah blah blah, god bless you, sucker. Another time it was a man with car trouble -- and I knew something was wrong right away, because he started blathering nonstop about his situation, his church, and everything else. When I took him to the gas station (some distance from where he originally seemed to need to go), came the kicker: of course he needed some money to, and he swore he'd pay me back and insisted on writing some phone number on a card or something. I gave him four dollars to be rid of him, and actually felt a sardonic vindication of my cynical suspicion when I never heard from him again.

Oh well. I shrugged it off. Life went on.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're having a bit of "reptile brain attack" (and I'll explain if needed).

Scammed or not, what you did was a service to another human being. And, as much as I hate to go all "Martha Stewart" (sp?) on you, "that's a good thing."

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I often wrestle with whether and how to help people. I don't have even the background you do (no clue how much a rock of crack costs, etc.) If given time to think about it, I usually come down on the side of helping a bit, even if my help may end up getting used for htings other than what it was intended for. Would I rather try to help and be taken advantage of, or fail to help when it truly was needed? Well, assuming that I can afford to help (and I can), I'd rather be scammed than be cold-hearted.

But I never feel confident about what I'm doing.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not sure this should bother you, no matter if you helped someone who was in need, or whether you, well, helped someone in need.

I consider this type of thing to be simply giving, just as giving to your church is. If you can't afford, financially, to do both, you may consider splitting your giving/discretionary fund into some money for the church, and some for the random people that occasionally touch our lives, and need a little help.

But, this type of direct giving thing isn't right for everyone. Because it causes you this angst and second-guessing, because you are thinking about it days later, this type of giving is perhaps something for you personally to avoid. It's not supposed to feel bad. Rivka, there are so many other ways you already help people: the clinic, the church, and you can also make direct donations to your favorite causes.

A scam is totally different...more money, more rudeness, more pressure. You don't seem the type to be in danger of dishing out all your worldly goods to various sad-story folks, and don't seem in danger of being taken advantage of.

Globally, it would probably do everyone good if they did more nice things like this every now and then, as long as it's done sensibly. The one thing I wouldn't do next time, is give out my home phone number. You have work numbers, I am sure that would work just as well, and protect your family's privacy, just in case.

[pernishus.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that I don't think you were scammed, and that even if you were, the act of giving in and of itself is a transcendental goodness whatever its ultimate result(s) here on earth -- which we can't know, mostly, anyway.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

There are lots of really good liars out there and I usually choose to give anyway. I don't think it's a reflection on me that I might give to someone who would use the money in a way I don't prefer. I gave the money; it's their job to use it properly.

If you really want to check, you can check the ER or call the shelter.

Worries

[(Anonymous)]

Once in the while there is scary stuff in the news about women who are looking for babies. My guess is that what's bothering you is a concern for your daughter....

Grandma Susan