Warning: contents under pressure.

[rivka]

This got long, so I'm going to lj-cut everything but the takehome message.

A month ago, our nanny called when she was supposed to be on the way over and said she was sick. She called back the next day and said that she had mononucleosis and was going to be out for a while. We checked in every few days to ask if she needed anything. Around the first of February she told us that she was feeling somewhat better, but that her doctor wanted her to stay in bed for another week.

That was the last we heard from her.

We've called and left multiple messages, including - this past week - messages on her live-in boyfriend's phone. We don't have an address for her (she recently moved), or we'd stop by and look for her in person. We don't know if she's desperately ill, or if she wanted to quit and took the easy way out. We are in childcare limbo.

A couple of weeks after our nanny got sick, one of my two full-time research assistants became ill. She missed day after day of work, first because of illness, and then because her doctors were subjecting her to an increasingly intense series of tests. Finally her illness reached a crisis point, and she was admitted to Johns Hopkins hospital. Where her probable diagnosis is pancreatic cancer.

Anyone who knows anything about pancreatic cancer is swearing right now. It's... well, the five-year survival rate is 4%. Higher if they're able to remove the tumor surgically - we still don't know whether it will be possible in her case - but not much higher.

At this point, the miracle that would have all of us weeping in gratitude would be if all they have to do is remove half her pancreas, the first six inches of her intestine, and her gall bladder, in a major surgery with a not-insignificant death rate, recovery from which keeps her an invalid for weeks. That's the happy ending: a benign tumor. Her doctor told her today that he doesn't think it's benign - although they aren't sure. We'll know more in the next couple of days.

If I seem like I'm really tightly wound these days, or quick to take offense, or too dramatic over too little, or not paying very close attention to what's going on with you, or if you think I'm flaking out on something I was supposed to do for you or comment on or generally just take care of... all of those things are probably true. And I can't promise to do anything about it, either. It's about the best I can do right now.

I am worried about Meaghan and tormented by the uncertainty of that situation. I am worried about what we'll do for replacement childcare if, as seems imminent, Michael gets one of the jobs he's recently been contacted about. I'm doing more childcare than usual myself, trying to give Michael breaks when I can. I'm trying to figure out how we'll get our work done with one less full-time staff member. I'm spending more shifts in the clinic and leaving more of my other work undone. I'm trying to figure out what needs to be done to ensure that her pay and benefits continue while she isn't working, while at the same time an ashamed part of me is wondering how in hell we're supposed to stretch our grant to pay her salary and also pay someone else (who, anyway?) to do her work. I'm visiting the hospital every day. I'm on board if necessary for her parents, who are up here from Puerto Rico to be with her. I am so freaking behind on my church committee work, and my data analysis, and preparing our upcoming presentations, and our house is an unbelievably disgusting pit of loathesome dirtiness. I am desperately afraid that a woman I like and admire is going to die a particularly ugly death, and soon.

I am not falling apart, because this is pretty much the living definition of a situation that is Not About Me And My Feelings. But I am brittle and impatient and, necessarily, a little bit slipshod right now. And exhausted.

I've been posting to LJ more than usual lately - mostly about stuff that isn't this. I expect that to continue, because (a) it distracts me enough from my mouse-in-the-bottom-of-a-jar thoughts to be genuinely relaxing, and (b) it's about the only social interaction I'm up for. It's not that I don't want to see people, it's that I am just not capable of orchestrating a single additional thing however tiny.

Comments

[eeyorerin]

I'm so very sorry to hear of all of this. I will hope for the best in all of those situations, and that you also get some relief soon. If there's anything that someone far away can do that would be helpful, please let me know.

[irismoonlight.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

Your religious community might find it a joy and a gift to be able to do something for you, if you'd ask. Someone could come clean your living room and kitchen, or do some laundry. Someone else could watch Alex for at least an evening to give you and your hubby a break. Maybe someone could take on one of your church responsibilities for a bit, or set one on hiatus for a time. Maybe someone could start the screening process for a new nanny for you, so you didn't have to take that all on yourselves; all you had to do was interview a few final candidates.

If you're really worried about your nanny, you can ask the police to do a well-person check on her, or ask if they can with the information you have.

So the situations aren't about you. So what? There's nothing wrong with asking for help when you're trying to help others. That's what a support community is all about. You seem to be one of those people who give and give and give and give. It's not a weakness to allow others to give to you. It's a gift to them.

*hugs*

[txanne.livejournal.com]

YES. A thousand times, yes.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

You are a wise person.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Dear Rivka, dear Michael and Alex. I will light a candle for your research assistant and one for you.

[pariyal.livejournal.com]

Yes, so will I.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Oy. Hey, Universe, enough with the raining anvils on Rivka and those she cares about, please? It's not her frickin' turn any more.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

My father had that surgery -- for a recurrence of colon cancer, not for pancreatic cancer -- and is now hale and healthy at 77, two years later; he eats what he wants to and seems to have good energy and spirits.

I wish the same for your friend. For you, I wish rest and peace.

[lietya.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

One of the joys of having friends who aren't part of the situation is that they're available to fuss All About You even when the situation isn't. As someone else said, you deserve it, and you care for others enough that sometimes it's a blessing to allow them a chance to reciprocate.

(I'm not egotistical enough to call myself one of those friends, mind you, but I know they exist. And if the sympathy and good thoughts of an internet acquaintance for both you and your family and your coworker are worth anything at all, you have them, gladly.)

[clstal.livejournal.com]

You have said this far better than I could have. Thank you.

Also, thinking of you, your family, and your work partners.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

Aiiii! My deepest condolences. All these things are scary and terrible. I'm sorry for them, and anything I might have said that made it worse.

My heart goes out to you in this terrible time. I hope things start going better, soon, for some of the people you are close to.

N.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

Oh. Yes, I was swearing just then. I hope very much that your colleague will have the best possible outcome.

I'm so sorry all this is coming down around you.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anything useful to say, but if I could, well it would be here.

TK

[thette.livejournal.com]

I'm praying for you, your family and your coworker.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I second irismoonlight's suggestions about seeing if you could get some help from your religious community. At the very least, it seems like taking a leave of absence from your church committee work would reduce your workload a little bit. (And/or your guilt about not getting said work done.)

Is there money there right now to pay for a cleaning service to come deal with "disgusting pit of loathesome dirtiness"?

*hugs*

[zencuppa.livejournal.com]

Sometimes just getting through it is enough.

As said on other posts, ask for and accept help where you can, you and your family will be stronger for it. It's these times when friends and family want to make a difference.

And while it's "not about your feelings," don't hesitate to cry and rage when you need it, no matter what the reason. The release alone will help and the recognition that you are worried, sad and frustrated.

[supergee.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[oursin.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between making a situation All About Oneself and recognising that, even if one is not the centrally affected person, that it has distressing adverse repercussions upon one. Particularly in this 'not single spies but in battalions' situation it's reasonable to ask for support so that you can keep going and get through it and discharge your existing and increased responsibilities.

Good thoughts.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Prayers and good wishes, and *hugs* if you want them. And irismoonlight's suggestion strikes me as a good one.

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

Everybody else has already suggested what I would say, but I suspect you still need more hugs.

*HUG*

And a bubble bath.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Just off the top of my head I've three friends who've had to deal with cancer, and I keep forgetting that I did as well. (Late in 2005 I had to have a growth of somesort removed from the tip of my nose.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm swearing.

And I'm also offering Good Thoughts for the best possible outcomes for your RA, for Meaghan, and for you.

Please don't be ashamed of trying to figure out how to take care of your RA and your grant project simultaneously. Because that is what you're doing, you know -- taking care of and protecting. You're not being greedy or mercenary or cold-hearted.

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

I have nothing new to add, but I think, reading this, that irismoonlight gives fantastic advice. Get whatever help you can to get through this - it may not be all about you, but it does hit you pretty hard.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[ororo.livejournal.com]

Good luck!

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Oh, lord. Timing Is Everything. Either of these issues would be hard to deal with on their own, but the two coming together...

Try to ask from help from local friends or church people or whoever's around. The situation may not be all about you, but it's certainly affecting you. And *hugs*, because you always need more hugs.

[journeywoman.livejournal.com]

From what you've said about Meaghan before, that doesn't sound like her at all. I'd be worried, too. And I'm so sorry to hear about your research assistant. That is devastating news.

*hug*

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I think that asking for help would be a good thing. I know how it feels to have childcare jerked out from under you -- it's not just that you have no chidcare, but now you have to go through the process of finding new childcare. *hugs*, too. There is nothing wrong for letting some things go while you deal with this stuff.

[baldanders.livejournal.com]

Just checking in to say that I'm reading and, my god, I'm sorry. I hope something works out better for you soon, and hope all my hope for the life of your assistant.

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

That is an enormous amount of stress and uncertainty to be dealing with. *hugs* I want to say "If you need anything..." but I know when things get like this , it's hard to take that initiative and tell people what you need. Know that I'm around and willing to do what I can to help out. And know that you should feel free to either stress out or seek for distraction here or via phone or email, as needed, if it helps.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

for local peoples: things you could volunteer to do and then rivka could either say yes or no, depending on how she and michael feel and what they need.

dishes.
laundry.
vacuuming.
putting alex's toys away.
cleaning the bathroom.
cleaning the kitchen.
taking alex for a few hours.
bringing dinner over.


dear rivka and michael: i hope life gets less stressful soon. *hug*

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

What a horrible situation with your RA; pancreatic cancer is bad enough, but it sounds like she's very young as well. My hopes, wishes and prayers are for her complete recovery.

But life goes on, all around, and it's not selfish to take care of your own responsibilities. You know it's not. [virtual hug or pat on the back or whatever you're up for] This does sound like a good time to ask for a little help.

Wish I could give you a cup of tea and do your dishes!

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Oh Rivka -- that is very difficult. I'm so sorry for your assistant. I hope that Maeghan is being flaky or avoiding a difficult conversation like "I found another job" instead of ill or suffering or in need. And I hope and pray that the diagnoses for your research assistant either changes to something less dire or that they have exceptional good luck.

But for you and your family, I pray for rest and peace and enough joy to leaven all the work and worry.

This is the downside of an online community. I wish that I could be there in some way other than emotional for you right now. Alex could come over and play with Grey and it would be nicer for both of them, and give you a much needed break.

I also suggest to you talk to your pastor and let them know the kind of pressure you're under. The best cooks in my church live nearby, love to feed other people, and have a tendency to send over fabulous meals anytime they hear things are less than perfect for us, even if we haven't asked. You never know what kinds of service people enjoy doing for others.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I hope that Maeghan is being flaky or avoiding a difficult conversation like "I found another job" instead of ill or suffering or in need.

She has a live-in boyfriend and local parents who are very involved in her life, so I don't worry that she is alone and uncared for and too ill to answer the phone.

I guess it's just hard to make myself believe that someone who has cared for Alex since she was three months old would, in the end, care so little. She wore Alex in a sling for months and months. She handed down clothes her little boy wore. She made a little car by cutting and coloring an empty diaper box.

I mean, I didn't have the illusion that people make fun of parents for, that our nanny loved our kid so much that she would want to come over and play for free. That it wasn't, first and foremost, a job. But I did think she cared about Alex enough to... not just disappear.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I totally understand. I would feel 100% the same way. Part of the thing that makes you feel comfortable with a care provider is the sense that they see your child as a person for whom they are, at least, fond. I'm sorry -- there's no good thing to hope for with her, is there?

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

Your nanny? Has quit.

I'm so sorry about your research assistant. I'll think good thoughts.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Your nanny? Has quit.

The crazy thing is that just a few weeks before this happened we bent over backward giving her permission to say she wanted to quit. You're finishing up school, we expect you're going to want to look for a job in your field... we know we can't give you as many hours with Michael out of work... we understand that even if you'd like to stay it might not be possible...

She said repeatedly that no, she wanted to stay until Alex started nursery school in May, and that she'd pick up a couple of days a week working for someone else and keep working for us on her regular schedule. And I swear that, while being very enthusiastic about what a great job she did and how much we appreciated her and wanted her to stay, I made it perfectly clear that we wouldn't cause drama if she really did need to leave us.

So why do it like this?!

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

Young and stupid?

Or maybe something changed, and she felt like an idiot for not having left when she was given the chance, and couldn't face you. Which pretty much also falls under the category of young and stupid.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

What a huge lot to manage. :/ I hope your nanny's okay, but it does sound like she just up and left. One of the teachers where I used to teach did that last year, first time I've ever known a teacher to do it. She just didn't show up on the first day.

And having someone you care about dying? That's horrifying. *sigh*

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Gads... yes, that's plenty of reason to be stressed.

I wish there was something useful I could do, for any of you. Let me know if prayers would be welcome; they're cheap, and all I have to offer, I'm afraid.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

It took me a long time to ask people for help, but I got better at it. One of the things that helped me was to actually write down what I needed to have help with and then ask people specifically to do something. Most people who I'd think of asking really do want to help.

[juthwara.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for all of you.

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

Wow. I am so sorry.

[kiya]

Augh. I wish I could do something to help other than wish you all well.

[tacithydra.livejournal.com]

Oh no - I'm so sorry. You will be in my thoughts.