rivka | Unreasonable cravings.

I spend Monday afternoons in the GYN clinic attempting to recruit research subjects. It's attached to the Adolescent & Young Adult clinic, which is mostly focused on pregnant girls and young parents. All there is to read, if I don't feel like doing the academic reading I've brought along, is American Baby and Parenting and Fit Pregnancy. This is not a good environment for me right now.

For perfectly sensible reasons, we are not going to start trying to get pregnant yet. Even though for all our adult lives we've wanted to be parents. Even though both our heads swivel when we pass someone with an infant. Even though the last time we went to pick out a baby gift we spent 45 minutes exclaiming over all the impossibly cute tiny things. Even though I feel physically and emotionally ready.

I need to finish my dissertation first. There's no other reasonable way to look at it. It doesn't even make sense to calculate that we'll start trying nine months before I expect to finish, or six months before I expect to finish - because I can't count on finishing when I intend to, and I can't count on feeling well enough to do extra work during pregnancy. I need to be done before we start trying.

But I want. I want to have a baby.

I've been reading about pregnancy and childbirth and infants. It fascinates me, but it also feels like something I shouldn't be doing. The critic in my head calls me baby crazy, hormonally obsessed, overanxious, June Cleaver in training.

More seriously, I don't want to get ahead of Misha. If I'm pushing this, if I'm the one who's been preparing and researching and planning before we start, it'll be harder to make this our thing instead of my thing. But I also feel that I can't drag him into obsessive information-gathering and preparation now, so far in advance of when we can actually seriously intend this. So mostly I read on my own, and bring it up occasionally, and try not to come off as baby-obsessed.

What is it with this nesting instinct? I've got plenty of time. We finally have enough money to be able to play a little, travel a little, enjoy being free. It really irritates me to find myself wanting to spend the money on a cradle instead. *sigh* It's probably just because we can't. Yet.

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I understand the longing, believe me.

First, I will address your grown-up self. Finish your dissertation. My aunt didn't, and spent 7 years at ABD. It was very difficult for her.

Silmarian and I had said that we were going to try to get pregnant as soon as we bought a house, but this summer I talked to him about how much I wanted, needed, longed to start our family. He thought it over for a while and eventually we went off the Pill. (We'd switched to that earlier in the year, from Depo.)

I was afraid that I had pushed him or compelled him. And he kept up this kind of bluff exterior. But if he'd wanted to keep his excitement secret, he shouldn't have been reading gestational information websites on my computer. ;>

In November, I was briefly pregnant, and kicked into high-research overdrive. It was fun while it lasted, and I talked everyone's ears off about it. I lost the pregnancy, which is evidently pretty common the first time through, but the research I had done was a great comfort to me.

I think that if you are baby-obsessed, you should be honest about your feelings while making it clear that you don't expect any decisions to change. After all, it would be bad to hide other emotions and dreams from him, wouldn't it?

I'm trying again this week, and hoping that I get past tha urge to touch other people's babies and cry every time I see them.

Good luck!

I understand the longing, believe me.

I know you do. I'd been lurking in your journal for a while before I linked to you, so I saw the whole sad story of your pregnancy. I'm very sorry. Given where I am right now, your whole situation really resonated for me.

First, I will address your grown-up self. Finish your dissertation. My aunt didn't, and spent 7 years at ABD. It was very difficult for her.

I know. I know, I know, I know. It doesn't make any sense any other way. It really doesn't.

I think that if you are baby-obsessed, you should be honest about your feelings while making it clear that you don't expect any decisions to change. After all, it would be bad to hide other emotions and dreams from him, wouldn't it?

It would. (And of course, he reads my journal, so he'll see everything I write about it here.) We communicate extremely well, so it shouldn't be as much of an internal conflict as it is. I think there's a part of me that thinks I shouldn't be so passionate about this, and I may be projecting that part onto Misha. Which is silly, because anyone who's seen him around children would know that he dearly wants one.

I'm trying again this week, and hoping that I get past tha urge to touch other people's babies and cry every time I see them.

Oh wow. Best of luck.

Yeah. One of the things that I've really found useful about livejournal is the number of people who have told me that something similar has happened to them. That connection is precious to me, because we are almost the first people in our group to do this baby-thing. So I understand the resonance.

Thank you for the good wishes. I think I'm in a good place right now, hopeful, but not needy. Let's see if it lasts like that.

BTW, I've added you to the list that gets the details of my quest-for-baby. Maybe it will feed your curiousity. ;>

I used to desperately, desperately yearn for a baby, even before I had a partner with whom it would have been remotely feasible. So much so that I didn't even dare admit it to myself, which resulted in some very strange fantasies, dreams and reading preferences :-)

I think you're right not to assume that you'd be able to work during pregnancy, though. In my third pregnancy, my morning sickness was so bad I had to have three weeks off work and wasn't entirely together for a lot of the rest of it. First and second were much less of a problem - I think the sex of the baby does actually make a difference in that area, for me.

I dunno... can't couples research a vacation they want to take, years before they take it? Can't they share sightings and information about an elusive goal? Can't they both decide, possibly at different times, that Sebastian probably isn't the best name for a boy? (Sorry. Family joke. But it's gotten better. "They named the dog Sebastian.")

I understand your feelings, at least a bit. I was scoping out BDSM personals, and I noticed I was checking ages, looking for ages in the childbearing-years range. Silly, yes? "Hey, baby, come here often? What's your sign? Are you into spanking? Wanna bear my children?"

Just remember... dissertation is not forever, and if we didn't let Banshee off the hook, we're not letting you off, either. :-)

Unreasonable cravings.

Can I have a baby?

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