Dealing with toddler dramatics.

[rivka]

It is hard not to clash with a two-year-old a dozen times a day. They're stubborn. They can't bear to be rushed. They pick random and unreasonable things to develop incredibly strong opinions about, and dig in their heels with a vengeance. They're volatile. And it's usually over such trivia.

I'm empathetic about the big stuff - scraped knees, being left at nursery school, being promised something we later discover we can't deliver. The things that make sense to an adult mind. But I confess that it can be hard for me to seriously respect Alex's feelings when she's throwing a tantrum over not being able to climb into the carseat by herself, or being given the wrong color cup, or not getting "a sticky band-aid RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW" for a barely perceptible, bloodless scratch... you know, the stuff that really puts the meat in the "terrible twos" concept.

I've been unsuccessfully trying to approach these battles by reasoning with her. She seems so smart and verbal that you'd think it would help (all the parents out there are laughing at me right now), but it doesn't penetrate her intense emotions. It's not my style to just always lay down the law and refuse to brook any arguments from her. Neither is it my style to anxiously bend over backward making sure that she gets her way in everything.

So lately I've been experimenting with another way - as much as possible, sidestepping battles for control by introducing an element of play or humor or fantasy. Here's how it worked this morning.

Alex is so excited about using the potty that after peeing in the potty she often wants to sit down and do it again immediately. We usually let her try, but it's a real roadblock when we're trying to get out of the house and she insists on waiting and waiting for a second pee to come. This morning, after she peed in the potty, I told her "Now it's time to get dressed for nursery school."

"No, I don't want to go to nursery school. I want to pee in the potty AGAIN!"

"You just peed. You can pee again at nursery school, in the Winnie-the-Pooh potty," I suggested.

"No, I want to pee in THIS potty."

She started to get upset. This is the point at which I would normally try to reason with her - explaining that usually once you pee, the pee is used up and you have to wait a while to pee again. Or I might try to distract her and get her excited about the fun things she'll be able to do at school. But today I tried something different.

"*I* want to pee in a chimpanzee potty, high up in a tree," I told her.

She laughed. "No, we are not going to the zoo!"

"We're not? But I want to pee in a GIRAFFE potty that's very very tall."

"No, we are not going to the zoo! We are going to nursery school."

"Nursery school? But I want to pee in a BOOK potty that's all made of books."

"No, we are not going to the bookstore! We have to go to nursery school!"

"Ohhh, nursery school! Let's get dressed - you can't go to nursery school with a bare bottom!"

At this point, she was laughing and happy, and willingly came to get her diaper and clothes on. It's a small thing, but I am really pleased with how using fantasy drained the tension out of the situation for both of us.

Comments

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you've been reading the book "Playful Parenting." (And if you haven't, maybe you'd like it and find some ideas there.)

Adapting type-A logical me to small child pace and logic has been one of the surprises of parenting - in that it's easier than I expected it to be to step down to their pace. I only really fail when I am already stressed out going into an interaction (need to work on that - still happens way too often.)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you've been reading the book "Playful Parenting." (And if you haven't, maybe you'd like it and find some ideas there.)

I haven't read it, but it does sound like I should. Thanks!

[jinian.livejournal.com]

Nice!

[zingerella.livejournal.com]

*takes notes*
*files notes away against the day they are needed*
*marvels*

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

That. Is. Brilliant.

I think I've seen Dale use that tactic when his niece was smaller, but I've never seen it explained so clearly.






Hm. I wonder if it works with faculty.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

*bursts out laughing*

I've noticed that it works remarkably well with more-or-less adult people, myself... I don't mind playing the clown, especially when it means I can gently nudge people into doing something dammit. ;)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Hm. I wonder if it works with faculty.

I think it would be hard to avoid sounding sarcastic. At least, for me. (I am imagining the exchange: "I'd like this done by 5:00 today." "Yes, and I'd like a pony.")

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Hmph. You probably have a point, there. Drat.

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

A well placed "Wabbit Season!" can do wonders, though...

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

Nice work, mama!

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

Excellent!

When my Munchkins were little, if they had very minor injuries -- you know, the ones where they would trip, bump their arm, not hurt themselves AT ALL, but see that you were there, so they would start crying -- I would say, "Oh, no! We have to run to the arm store and buy you a new arm! Quick! In the car! To the arm store!" and they would dissolve into giggles.

[going-not-gone.livejournal.com]

Whereas my usual response is: Looks like we'll have to amputate.

But I'm EVIL. :)

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Oooh, that was always guaranteed to make Agent Weasel _way_ more upset than she already was.

[ailbhe]

It's a fantastic tactic - more amusing than "I wish you could wee in the potty now too but the wee is all gone now, that's sad" but with similar logic.

I do it for food - nope, no jelly. Elephant on toast? Sofa sandwich? Eggs?

You've discovered a very, very valuable tactic.

made of BOOKS? Aiiieee! :-)

[selki.livejournal.com]

Yay clever disarming tactic!

[rivka.livejournal.com]

made of BOOKS? Aiiieee! :-)

I know, I know! But you try coming up with potty examples, on the fly, which are both funny and accessible to a 2-year-old. In retrospect, of course, I can think of several: a potty on a swing, a big red fire truck potty with a siren, a T-Rex potty with great big teeth... okay, maybe that last one isn't a great idea.

[beaq.livejournal.com]

Humor is a two-edged sword. Three- or four-edged if you do it right.

[selki.livejournal.com]

Heh. Anything that works, sure!

But yeah, maybe wait on the T-Rex example...

[tea-dragon.livejournal.com]

That's so cool! After six and a half years of much well intentioned reasoning with my eldest, which has resulted in a lot of frustration on my part (She's so verbal! And yet so unreasonable!), and not much cooperation on her part, this sounds like a tactic I should try with both my kids. I don't like it when I have to lay down the law either, and there are times when the kids' stubbornness really makes getting out of the house on time tricky. Now if I can only remember to be funny BEFORE I start to get stressed out and in a hurry ...

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

I was directed to your journal through your husband. I love this story. I am close to a family with two little ones - and was a big part of the 3 year old's life when he was 2, as I was over and babysitting a lot.

He didn't really have too many of these times. But he would at bath time. He'd just want to play and not wash. And he was too big at that point to just dunk him under or throw water on him (because um, you'd get thrown with water in the same amount!) when he was needing to be wet so you could lather him up.

I'd try to distract him with stories about his toys and try to ask him if he'd get his hair wet please. He'd usually say, "I'm busy." But he'd never forget the request, and then suddenly, in the middle of the story about whether the hippo knew he was a hippo because sometimes he thought he was a duck - SUDDENLY he'd dunk himself all the way down in the water and come up beaming at me because, "Look! I dunked down!"

Then would start the shampoo issues. He'd want to put it on his head, but instead he'd get some on his hand and then vigorously rub them in the water to make bubbles. Sigh.

If I learned anything from him, it was patience and flexibility. I didn't deal with him every day, so even if I was there three out of five days, it was still a treat for him. But he'd have those episodes with his mom most of the time. And worse when he knew she couldn't physically do as much to get him in to the car or whatever because she was 8 months pregnant. She called her husband when she finally got in the car one time after spending maybe 30 minutes waiting for Robert to decide he wanted to get in the car after a trip to Costco. Poor woman.