Tying up loose ends: a letter.

[rivka]

I don't know what prompted me to remember that I'd never followed up on this letter a friend sent me about my ex. But this morning I found myself thinking about it, and realized that I shouldn't have left my friend dangling in space.

I also found myself wondering whether there's more to write about under the "excavation work" header. (i.e., posts about my former relationship and the effects it had on me.) There may be. I don't feel nearly the sense of urgency that I did before I told the Two Big Secrets, but there are probably still bits and pieces it would do me good to explore. Not tonight, though.

Here's the letter I sent:

Dear [...],

Your letter of last October (which I've attached below, in defiance of netiquette, because it's been so very long) started me down a long and productive chain of reflection. It only occurred to me relatively recently that you'd expressed concerns about whether you had done the right thing, and that you might take my silence on the matter as evidence that you hadn't. My apologies.

Why did I ask you about Lane? Because our relationship was long and intense, and because she still occupies a significant portion of my mind. Because I was curious. Because keeping track of her is still a fairly strong mental habit. But not in fact - although I don't blame you for reaching this plausible conclusion - not because I still have positive feelings for her or hope we can ever be friends.

That looks like a terribly cold thing to say, and it probably is. Given that you see both of us socially, I'm resisting the urge to explain or justify it with information that might make you uncomfortable. Suffice it to say that I really don't think further contact between me and Lane would be beneficial to either of us.

I'm not sorry that you wrote me that letter, because it spurred some useful exploration of my own feelings and motives. But I am sorry that you got caught in the middle.

I hope there's a chance that I'll be seeing you and [...] at Minicon.

Regards,
Rivka

Comments

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

This was incredibly well handled. You impress me so much.

-J

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I think that was really well put... and communicates everything you need to.

You know, thinking about you and Lane, in context of current threads on a newsgroup, I hope you can remind yourself about emotional perceptions. How, when you're in a certain emotional state, perceptions change from when you're in another, and so forth.

You were with her, in a tumultuous time, and it twisted your emotions up like tinsel strands in a mixer. It changed how you saw things and how you 'felt' things.

I don't know if you ever wonder about how you could 'see' something a certain way (the way you did during that relationship), but sometimes the answer is you(generic) saw it that way because you couldn't really see it another way. The same way a depressed person can 'see', say, rejection where none really exists.

As always, here's hoping you're doing well, and aware of your lovability