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[rivka]

Saturday morning, Michael brought Alex up to our bedroom and the two of them climbed in bed with me. She noticed my hospital bracelets right away.

"What's that?"

"That was a bracelet from the hospital. I got very sick yesterday and had to go to the hospital so doctors could take care of me. They put the bracelet on me so that everyone would know who I was."

"Did you ride in a fire truck?"

"You mean an ambulance? No. Papa drove me in the car."

"If you're sick you should ride in an ambulance," she informed me.

She asked some questions about whether different parts of my body hurt. "...What hurts, then?"

"My tummy hurts." I took a deep breath, realizing that this was the time to explain. "Do you remember that we said a baby was growing in a special place in my tummy? There is not going to be a baby. We thought a baby was growing there, but Mama was just sick. I hurt in the place where the baby was supposed to grow. Maybe someday a baby will grow there, but not for a long long time. So that's very sad."

Alex made a little sad noise.

"I know," I said. Michael and I put our arms around her. "We're all sad that there isn't going to be a baby."

"Mama, do you feel better?" she asked.

"I'm a little better, but I'm still sick. I need to rest and lie down a lot today, and I can't pick you up or have you climb on me. In a few days I'll be better."

We set up a signal: I would keep wearing my hospital bracelets to remind her to be gentle with me. When the bracelets came off, it would mean that I could pick her up again.

A couple of hours later, she looked up from playing. "There's not going to be a baby for a long long time?"

"That's right," I said. "Maybe someday, though."

I sent her and Michael off to church by themselves this morning. She turned around at the door and looked earnestly at me. "Mom, get lots and lots of rest."

"Okay, honey. I will."

---

I thought I would never ever post song lyrics in my journal, but I've had a Meg Barnhouse song on repeat play for the past three days, and it's helping more than I imagined a song possibly could. It's a conversation between her and Julian of Norwich.

All Will Be Well

I said Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand
Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about sorrow?
And Julian, do you not know, do you not know about pain?
I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about hunger
And Julian, do you not know, do you not know about shame?

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about loneliness?
And Julian, do you not know, do you not know about disease?
I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about cruelty?
I said: Julian, it's too much - it brought me to my knees.

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

She said: no one does not know, does not know about sorrow
And no one does not know, does not know about pain
She said: no one does not know, does not know about hunger
And no one does not know, does not know about shame

And she said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

She said: no one does not know, does not know about loneliness
And no one does not know, does not know about disease
She said: no one does not know, does not know about cruelty
She said: I know it's too much - it brought me to my knees, where I heard

All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

I said Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand
Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand (hold my hand)

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

She said: Baby girl, do you not know, do you not know about tenderness?
And baby girl, do you not know, do you not know about friends?
And she said baby girl, do you not know, do you not know about the spirit?
She said baby girl, do you not know? it's only love that never ends.

And so all will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

And so all will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

Comments

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Meg Barnhouse is awesome.

I wrote to her to thank her for writing "All Will Be Well," and got a very kind e-mail back.