(no subject)

[rivka]

OMFG this is the kind of day I'm having:

Alex and I went to the Baltimore Folk Music Society's family dance, as we have done a few times before. The caller was not as great as usual, but we still had a good time. Alex mostly shadowed me - we held hands and acted as one dancer together - but when she got tired I scooped her up and carried her on my hip.

After an hour or so, her interest flagged and we were both more seriously tired. (We had our second OWL overnight last night, which pretty much used up my week's supply of energy.) I sat down on a bench and began to gather our things.

When she saw us getting ready to leave, a middle-aged woman I don't know came over to us.

"You were amazing with her-"

I gave a parental smile-and-shrug. It is tricky to steer a three-year-old through a contra-style dance.

"-the way you were holding her-"

Alex is thin and light for her size, but I can see how someone might think it's impressive to dance while carrying a 28-pound weight. I'm used to carrying her, though, so it's no big deal.

"-even though you have something wrong yourself."

I froze. Looked fixedly at her and raised my eyebrows in reproof. She didn't seem to notice. She gestured at my right arm, as if I might not have taken her meaning.[1]

"I mean, for you to be able to dance like that-"

I arched my back slightly, keeping the rest of my body stiff with outrage, looked up at her through the tops of my glasses, and gave her Raised Eyebrows of Doom.

My Eyebrows of Doom apparently need recalibrating. Because I watched, spellbound, as her hand came out. Pat. Pat.

She patted me on the head.

No, really. She literally did. I'm not exaggerating for humorous effect or being metaphorical. She patted me on the fucking head.

"I didn't even know there was anything wrong with you!" she said benevolently, as if conferring praise.

"There isn't anything wrong with me," I said coldly. "I'm a very experienced English Country dancer. I've been dancing for years." I took Alex by the hand and we swept out of the room while she uttered little exclamations of protest and surprise.

I just... wow. Wow. She... wow.

I know that I should use this kind of situation as an opportunity to educate, but I was quite literally struck speechless. I mean... I mean... okay, where do you even start with someone who, head patting?



[1] For those of you who don't know, my right arm is about half as long as my left, the elbow doesn't bend, the shoulder has limited mobility, and the hand is four-fingered and slightly smaller.

Comments

[redbird]

Is there any way to complain to the organizers?

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Sure. I know the people who organize the family dance and the people who run the Folk Music Society. But complain to what end? She's not any kind of official representative, or anything.

Complaining would make it into a problem with the dance, rather than a problem with this idiot. I don't want to do that.

[going-not-gone.livejournal.com]

Oh, my goodness, that is the most incredibly rude and condescending thing I've heard since I don't know when.

I'm short, and there is very little that annoys me as much as somebody patting me on the head. That's just.... GRRR.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

That woman should look in the mirror for the Something Wrong. Sheesh.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm utterly appalled right along with you. Wow. The cluelessness, it burns.

[vom-marlowe.livejournal.com]

What the fuck is wrong with people!! That is just outrageous!

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Can I quibble with "should use ... as an opportunity to educate?" Sure, it's great when someone has the presence of mind and the ability to distance from awesome-level rudeness to do that, but "should"? By my lights, you should take care of yourself, and Alex. That's all you should do. The rest is lagniappe, for when it's right for you.

[(Anonymous)]

Amen. If you are feeling extra-sainted and charitable, you can use adversity as opportunity to educate, but in general, it's her responsibility not to be a rude, condescending twit, not yours to fix her character flaws. Maybe your smackdown will make her re-think herself; one can only hope. I remember asking L something clueless and rude (though not, dear God, on a head patting level) when we were in college and having you smack me down; it hurt but it stuck, and it made me do some thinking that has hopefully made me better-behaved and more aware in the ensuing decade-plus. May it work the same way for her.

-nara

[zingerella.livejournal.com]

She ... did ... wha ...?!

OMG.

OMG OMG OMG

*sputterchoke*

I know that I should use this kind of situation as an opportunity to educate,

Well, only if you want to, y'know? It's not your duty to enlighten the clueless. On the one hand, I can see how you'd feel that someone sure as hades should, and CluelessLady presented you with an opportunity, but it's not like other opportunities to learn how not to be a condescending jackass don't present themselves, and, really, you were fulfilling your end of the social contract by not ripping her a new one, right there.

[post-ecdysis.livejournal.com]

It's a wonder that SHE has made it so far, what with the overbearing pretension and the utter inability to read social cues. Patting you on the head -- WT ever loving F??!!!

I can only hope that she tells this story to a friend casting herself as a victimized speader of light and her friend takes the opportunity to educate her with a clue by four.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

You were much nicer than I would have been.

[tavella.livejournal.com]

How does someone survive to middle age that clueless?

[stevendj.livejournal.com]

I had the same reaction as redbird—someone should make it plain to this woman that her behavior was unacceptable, and it shouldn't have to be you. (For one thing, she might well assume criticism from you was merely an unreasonable, irrational hypersensitivity, while criticism from a known authority figure might actually penetrate.) Maintaining a pleasant environment is part of the organizers' job; they should be informed of egregious acts of clueless rudeness, so they can act discreetly to stop it from happening again.

I suggest you forward this post, or something similar, to the organizers along with a more detailed description of the woman, and a request that somebody have a quiet talk with her.

[redbird]

Also, I'd say you did at least as much educating as that rude, patronizing bitch could hear when you said "There isn't anything wrong with me. I'm a very experienced English Country dancer. I've been dancing for years."

[selki.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

*head patting*. Unbelievable!

[kiya]

I have not enough boggle in my boggled.

What the ...

[odanu.livejournal.com]

Christ on a Crutch. You have more patience than I have. I might have felt the need to point out how rude she was by handing Alex to someone else and demonstrating that my fist works just fine.

Actually, probably not. But it's fun imagining you doing that. And it would be educational :D

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Along those lines I was thinking "It's for moment like that you should always carry an Uzi in your purse."

[kate-schaefer.livejournal.com]

Where do you start?

Bazooka.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

wow. No wonder you were speechless. Where on earth to start?

Also meant to say...

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

Being patronized is high on my list of behavior wot get smacked.

She clearly ranks high on the clueless meter, 'cuz I'd never want to face your Eyebrows of Doom - death at 30 paces...

[daisydeadhead.livejournal.com]

Wow, my late mother's disability sounds strikingly similar to yours. And it's Mother's Day tomorrow and I was missing her mightily...This is WEIRD! (((twilight zone music)))

Speaking of my mother, back in the Depression when she grew up, that kind of thing was pretty common behavior. She grew up with people doing those things to her, which is what she said made her mean. (She said "After you learn to bite, they stop.")

Miss her so much. I was her only child.

But yes, if she were here, she'd say "Bite their heads off, that's the only thing they understand!"--and I'll just pass that on, with love from you to her. :)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

This is WEIRD! (((twilight zone music)))

*blink* *blink*

Okay, when this comment came in I was reading your blog for the first time in my life, because a friend linked over to there. Did you come over here because my LJ friends page showed up in your referrer logs, or something? Because that was weird.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Pity you didn't think to pat her on the head and congratulate her on how well she's able to interact socially despite her obvious mental impairment.

[naomikritzer]

OMGWTFBBQ??!?!?!?!?!?!?

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeeesh. Some people!

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

I...wow. I can't even imagine the kind of person who'd think that would be okay. And probably more than that. She probably thought she was being kind or something.

Wow.

I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to still have her patting hand.

Wow.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to still have her patting hand.

Well, my child was present.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Words literally fail.

I know that I should use this kind of situation as an opportunity to educate,

There's only so much of that you can do, and some people aren't educable. (My mother was blind, and she'd get very tired of having to deal with other people's assumptions about her abilities - well, mostly assumptions about lack of abilities.)

grrrrrr.

[acceberskoorb.livejournal.com]

When I first read this I was angry, but as I tried to think of a clever, funny comment, it became harder and harder to resist just giving into depression over today's interpersonal frustrations.

As you describe it, what her behavior reminds me of more than anything is a kind of variation on the now-famous Open Source Boob Project. I tell ya, some people don't fucking deserve hands.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

There comes a point at which I just have to laugh, or I'd cry.

At least this one was more absurd and less sad than my other interpersonal frustration of the day.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

"I'm a very experienced English Country dancer. I've been dancing for years."

Oh, ROCK ON.

And she patted you on the head? What barn was she raised in, and weren't the other pigs ashamed?

[jerusha.livejournal.com]

Jesus Haploid Christ on a pogo stick!

I mean, I just...

How can someone be that stupid and still breathe‽

[jerusha.livejournal.com]

And for some reason, possibly the setting, I'm picturing you drawing yourself up and icily declaring, "The only thing wrong with me, madam, is the interference of condescending busybodies such as yourself. Good day. Come, Alex." and sweeping out of the room.

(Of course, this is a huge case of second-hand l'esprit d'escalier, but it's such a satisfying picture...)