*sigh*

[rivka]

Someone just came onto a message board I read, seeking guidance for a friend. Her friend, who is in her early 40s, just had a miscarriage when she was four weeks (i.e., just barely) pregnant and wants to try again. The poster is looking for a list of recommendations she can give her friend about ways to change her diet and do healthier things so she can prevent future miscarriages.

Here's my Public Service Announcement:

Don't ever do this.

No matter how well-meaning you are - and this woman seems to be very well-meaning - there is no loving way to say, "I figure that you probably killed your last baby. Please straighten up so you don't kill the next one, too."

Especially when you are probably wrong. The vast majority of miscarriages, especially early ones, are caused by profound chromosomal or genetic abnormalities in the embryo. That's even more likely for miscarriages in women over 40. Unless your friend is a crack addict, or something, the odds are overwhelmingly high that she didn't do anything to cause her miscarriage and won't be able to do anything to prevent another. Conception and embryo formation are high-error activities.

I know this woman doesn't mean to imply that the previous miscarriage was her friend's fault. But she's skating reeeeeal close to that, and vulnerable grieving people are awfully susceptible to guilt. It's just... yikes. Just don't.

Comments

[fiction-theory.livejournal.com]

Wow, just wow. Insensitivity much? Even without the guilt-factor, since when is it your friend's place to give you medical/dietary advice unsolicited? Especially about something like this.

I'm one of the childfree type folks, and I even *I* went "Oh for cryin' out loud!" when I read this. I may never plan on having children, but I know that for those who are, this kind of thing is just absolutely devastating and heartbreaking. And even I know better than to say something like that.

Whenever I have friends who have something traumatic happen to them, I tend to follow a four step procedure because otherwise I know I'll do/say something bubble-headed.

Step 1: Listen to what your friend/loved one has to say, sans platitudes, opinions, or stupid questions. Questions should be limited to: "What happened (if you feel like talking about it) and Is there anything I can do for you?". Dole out plenty of hugs where appropriate and needed. Don't try to be a hero, just be a friend.

Step 2: Be willing to stay if they need that, be willing to go away if they need that. Make sure they understand that you don't resent doing either. And don't expect them to be over it in a certain time frame or pull away when they seem to go back to "acting normal". Just because someone isn't crying and screaming doesn't mean they're not grieving. Don't assume that they don't need you anymore just because they're not wailing uncontrollably.

Step 3: If you feel like making any comments that aren't: "I love you, I'll be here for you when you need me, is there anything I can do?", refrain. Such jems as "it's not as bad as (insert other bad thing)" or "there's a reason for everything" or "this, too, shall pass" or "maybe it's a blessing in disguise" should never ever be said. EVER. This is not the time to play "Confucius says". If words could fix what they're going through, then someone would've already said the magic damn words and gotten it over with.

Step 4: And finally, acknowledge that you are about as powerless as they are in this, use your common sense, and come to terms with the fact that all you can do is love them, support them, and try not to do anything to make it worse.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I think I do this most of the time, but this is an excellently -laid-out and explicit explanation.

[fiction-theory.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Trust me, I've made enough mistakes in this area to have learned from them.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Like roadnotes, I think this is an awesome list, and very applicable to my current state as listener.

The one thing I would add is that if you do resent staying or going away, admit that resentment to yourself but not to them and talk to other people about it so that it doesn't leak through to them.

[fiction-theory.livejournal.com]

The one thing I would add is that if you do resent staying or going away, admit that resentment to yourself but not to them and talk to other people about it so that it doesn't leak through to them.

So very correct. And like I said, use common sense. You're going to have your own feelings on the matter, but like you said, go vent those feelings in the opposite direction.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yes.

And really? There's no need to come up with something original and insightful to say. It's usually better not to. "Oh, how awful, I'm so sorry" does not wear out.

[fiction-theory.livejournal.com]

Exactly!

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

You are very wise.

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

That is a great, well laid out explanation for anyone whose friends/family are grieving. Having been the grieving person, I wish I'd had this to hand to a few people.