According to my calendar.

[rivka]

Yesterday was my due date for my lost pregnancy. Tomorrow, my current pregnancy will reach thirteen weeks - the point at which I lost the other one.

This is a weird place to be.

I am so, so grateful to be pregnant on the day that, by all rights, I should've given birth been complaining bitterly about when was the damn baby going to come already. I've been watching for this day for the last six months, and praying that I'd be pregnant when it came. I know it would be far harder if I were still feeling broken and barren.

And yet it's also hard to be where I am. The end of the first trimester is supposed to be a tremendous relief - the point at which you know that, probably, everything is going to be Just Fine. The point at which you tell everybody. The point at which vanishing symptoms are cause for relief, not anxiety. Last time, at this point, I had even broken out my least-obvious pair of maternity pants. This should be the point where I can relax, having made it through the dangerous part of pregnancy, and look forward to the genuine pleasure that is the second trimester.

Instead, this is the point where I feel like I'm at risk of being utterly blindsided by tragedy.

I've joined a really good mailing list called SPALS: Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss Support. The SPALS list has helped me keep my sanity through some scary early signs of trouble with this pregnancy, and I admire these women for the supportive community they've created. But the reverse of that support is that participating in SPALS makes me all too aware that you can actually lose a pregnancy at any time. Lots of women on the list have had stillbirths.

My midwives told me to take my progesterone supplements until 13 weeks, which I am interpreting as "the end of the 13th week" rather than as "the first day of the 13th week." After that, they say, my placenta should have totally taken over progesterone production, making supplementation unnecessary. But honestly, as much as I hate those damned things, stopping using them feels like stepping out over a cliff and trusting that something I can't see will break my fall. Who knows whether my placenta knows what the hell it's doing? If I wasn't making enough progesterone, who says it will make enough progesterone?

My first-trimester symptoms, bless them, are hanging on until the bitter end. I've had a bad cold this week, and postnasal drip + human chorionic gonadotropin = ZOMG incredible nausea. I expect that as my cold goes away, so will the nausea. In the meantime: my jeans still fit. I have the Incredible Pregnancy Rack of Doom (now size 36H!!), but that's the only place I've put on any weight. There are still eight days until the midwife appointment at which we may (may) be able to hear the fetal heartbeat with a Doppler. I'm still a few weeks away from the earliest possibility of feeling fetal movement. At the moment, to borrow a phrase from fairoriana, this is Schroedinger's Pregnancy.

It seems like such a cruel trick of fate that all of these dates converge: the lost due date, the gestational age at which my miscarriage happened, the point at which pregnancy symptoms are scheduled to go away, the point at which I'm supposed to remove the supports and trust my body to do the right thing hormonally.

Comments

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

The only thing I can think of to say is "hang on". That, and NBHHY. I don't know if either helps.

Does it help to embrace your anxiety and uncertainty and fear? Or is it better to push it away? I find when things are overwhelming, I consciously tell myself "I am not going to worry about that right now."

Anyhow, big big big hugs.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

love you, sweetie.

nbhhy.

*hug*

[ailbhe]

*hugs*

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I continue to wish you well.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's good, at least, to be pregnant again now, rather than not? It gives you something to hold onto as you move, however cautiously, forward.

Can you keep taking the progesterone until you see the midwife next week? Will that give you some measure of comfort?

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yeah, being pregnant now is one million times better than the alternative. I think I'd be an utter basket case if I hit the due date while I was still worrying that the door to parenthood had closed forever.

I'm not sure I have enough progesterone to last until I see the midwife next. I can always call for reassurance, except that I've already been doing that a lot and I'm starting to feel like the most neurotic mother in their practice.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

It's okay to be neurotic!mama after what you've been through. Anyway, I bet they've had many far worse. :-)

[wcg.livejournal.com]

There are times when, in the face of great uncertainty, it's good to remember that you've done all you can do to be as prepared as possible. It doesn't make the nervousness go away, but it helps the rational part of your mind avoid being overwhelmed.

[ckd]

NBHHY, continued best wishes, and as many hugs as you'd like.

[erbie.livejournal.com]

I used the progesterone suppositories when I was pregnant with my second child. Nobody told me to stop using them, so when I went in for my CVS test at 14 weeks and told the perinatologist I was still using them, he said that was stupid and I could stop. (Yeah, he's a real charmer. He also treated his nurse like she was an idiot DURING my CVS test. He has a reputation for being an ass, but he's apparently one of the best perinatologists in the US. But I digress.) This is all to say that if you aren't comfortable stopping the progesterone, you may want to ask your midwives if you can keep doing it for another week or so.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I will give you the same advice that I gave another friend in pretty much the same situation. Considering that you're worried, I'd suggest that you keep taking progesterone at the current dose until the midwife appointment, then drop it once you're convinced that the baby is still okay. Why make yourself anxious for another couple of days when there is a simple solution?

Good luck, and *hugs*.

[erisian-fields.livejournal.com]

I wish you strength and trust. I wish all babies were as cherished as the one you have, the one you're carrying, and even the one you lost. You are making the world a better place.

[kate_nepveu]

You didn't ask for advice so I'm not going to give it. But if it helps, your kindness and common sense and thoughtfulness all throughout my pregnancy, even at times when I would have fully supported your pretending I didn't exist, have been a serious help and comfort to me, and I wish there was some way I could help now other than thinking good thoughts.

(edited for stray leftover word)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

You know, I kind of expected to go through some jealousy and resentment, given how close our pregnancies aligned - but I haven't. I think that after your scare I've just really felt like you deserve all possible good things as you go on.

I'm glad you've found me sensible and helpful! Because it can so go either way.

[akicif.livejournal.com]

Arg. All the very, very best to you....

[eeyorerin]

I was thinking of you today because I thought "oh, I think Rivka would have been due around now" after I got another update from my AP roommate, who is inching closer to the delivery room with her first child.

I am hoping that nothing bad continues to happen. I am glad you have support and sushi therapy.

[windsea.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. Yes, it is a cruel trick of fate, and I'm sorry you're going through this passage. My thoughts are with you.

[nessbutterfly.livejournal.com]

You don't know me (unless baratron talks about me as much as she talks about you), but did want to drop by and offer my congratulations, as well as my understanding.

It's taken us two and half years and three miscarriages to get to where we are now - sixteen and a half weeks and completely paranoid still. I passed the due date of my first baby in despair that we would ever get pregnant again. I passed the due date of baby number two and the anniversary of the first baby's passing just as we were passing into the second trimester... it was an exceptionally rough time.

Seems to me that what we're both experiencing is entirely normal - I have seen similar things said by many women in similar circumstances. Hang in there!

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

It's a tough stage -- after you SHOULD be ok but before you get the butterflies of baby in your belly. There just isn't as much reinforcement. But the good news is that it is a fleeting time. And then suddenly you look down and you're huge and you can't sleep because *someone* is kicking all the time and you're thinking "CRAP! What do you mean I'm 7 months along?!?!" I have full confidence and faith that you will get there, and it will be faster than you can believe.

May the cat be happily licking its paw when you open that box.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[odanu.livejournal.com]

**hugs** and GoodThoughts(tm)

[womzilla.livejournal.com]

For some reason I feel compelled to mention that my mother had a successful pregnancy, then a stillbirth, then me. So it can, and does, happen, and will.