Late reflections on the Knoxville church shootings.

[rivka]

Meg Barnhouse, a UU minister, singer, and essayist who has been a great source of spiritual comfort and inspiration to me, wrote a column for the UU World about the shooting at Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church.

She knew the shooter.

Barnhouse titled her column "Love Can't Fix Everything." It's a very loving but relentlessly clearheaded look at the comforting things we try to tell ourselves when we are faced with evil. If you're a UU or otherwise of a liberal pursuasion, you might find parts of it hard to read - I did. Barnhouse loves us too much to let us deceive ourselves about who we are.

I am resisting the urge to quote the whole column, every last word of it. Instead I'll put a fairly large chunk of it behind a cut. The part I'm posting has particular resonance to me because of personal issues I'm dealing with and because of my assessment of my own trials and shortcomings, but I strongly urge you to follow the link above and read the whole piece.

I wish I had a solution to the ills of society. All I have here is a small addition to the conversation among liberals about people who do evil things. Jabbo had lots of choices and lots of chances. Maybe it was brain deterioration from the substance abuse, maybe it was the right-wing hate mongering, maybe it was poor impulse control resulting from a chemical imbalance he was born with. Whatever advantages and disadvantages he started with, he participated with his sovereign free will in making himself what he is today. I think this is more respectful of him and his inherent worth than to imply that he couldn’t help what he did, that he was on some kind of predestined track to disaster.

Sometimes there is brokenness that just can’t be fixed. I’m sorry to say that, but as a minister who worked in the mental health field for twenty years before working full-time at a church, I know that love can’t fix everything. Anyone who has been partnered with someone who becomes increasingly isolated in their own reality, who is ill and refuses treatment, or who is in the grip of addiction—anyone who has tried to love someone enough so they get well—knows that.

Love cannot always be sweet and outreaching. Sometimes love must be challenging. Sometimes it is more loving to leave someone than to stay. It sends them a powerful message that what they are doing is not OK.

Our churches, likewise, can’t help or fix everyone. Living in a covenant community is hard work, and it necessitates our staying on our medication, by which I mean staying in as right a mind as is possible for us. Sometimes a person is not in a place in their life when they have the mental, emotional, and spiritual resources to be part of a covenant community. Covenant communities can be hard on their members, too, because they don’t always work the way they say they want to work. You have to have a certain sturdiness to bear that.

I hear folks say that if Jabbo had come to a UU church, he would have been helped. My friends, he came to UU summer camp as his argumentative, gun-loving, right wing, liberal-blaming self, and he was argued with, of course. He was derided for being part of the Boy Scout organization and for his right-wing views. He felt disrespected and shunned.

We love to think of ourselves as open-minded, but it’s hard for us to be open-minded toward certain people and their views. Maybe it’s just me that has a hard time, but I think I’m not alone in this. I argued with him, too. I do affirm the worth and dignity of every person, but I never promised to affirm the worth and dignity of every idea. Some ideas are oppressive and not well thought out. They lead to violence and injustice and really bad behavior. I try to argue with respect and kindness, but it’s hard when the person you’re talking to acts like a jerk. If I were the Dalai Lama or a UU saint, I would be able to, and I hope that will come in the future, but I am sure not there yet.

Comments

[redbird23.livejournal.com]

I am going to admit a little secret and hope you take it in the correct way.

You sometimes, ok often, make me a bit uncomfortable.

Thank you.

I read the whole article, and you're right, she's blindingly honest and it's hard to read some of it. I am now going to email the other members of my RE committee with the link because every UU should read this, and not everyone takes the time to read UU World (and we sometimes don't get our copy for some reason).

[ailbhe]

Some people find it easier than others to be good. But the choice to be good is always there.

I find it hardest to figure this stuff out in relation to puerperal psychosis and infanticide.

One reason I periodically think about finding a church is to make this sort of thing easier - to have other people figuring it out with me. I guess it might actually make it harder, because there might be comfortable ways out of thinking about it.

[cantkeepsilent.livejournal.com]

Wow. I come from a Disciples of Christ background, and this is gut-wrenching. I think we have an easier time of it, since we tend to be chastened by Jesus' example and have an assurance that all injustice will be mended in its own course.

But I agree that no human organization has either the power or the wisdom to heal every injury, although that doesn't necessarily relieve us from the obligation to try. And I also think that everyone needs to be more intentional about their spiritual principles; it chills me when our respect for the inherent worth and dignity of all people ends when we see the bumper stickers on the back of their car.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Yes, some things just can not be fixed, no matter how hard you try.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Yes.

It is a wonderful, painful article.

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

The whole column was good, just like you promised.

The following part really resonated for me:

I understand wanting to find an explanation for his choice to shoot liberals while a group of their children were performing the show “Annie Jr.” If we can explain it, maybe we feel we have some control in the situation, some understanding of ways to prevent it happening to us. Life is dangerous. It is hard and sweet and adventuresome, full and mysterious, and way, way beyond our control. We do what we can.

I so need to remember that. Always.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

That is a terrific article. Thank you.