(no subject)

[rivka]

I'm on the DRE Advisory Council at my church. It's a small panel of people who provide support and feedback to our Director of Religious Education, and who are available to help sort out any difficulties or dramas that arise within the RE program. I'm counting down my last few months on the committee - I'll be replaced in the fall. I've really enjoyed the work.

Over the next six weeks, we're hosting a series of before-church breakfasts, one for the parents and other interested adults of each RE class. The primary goal is to find out how parents are feeling about RE and what their thoughts are about the future direction of the program. We're also hoping that the breakfasts will help foster a sense of community and will encourage parents to commit to bringing their kids to RE more often. (We have a problem with sporadic attendance.)

I'm facilitating the first two breakfasts. This morning's was for parents in the youth group, and next week's will be parents of babies and toddlers in the nursery. My friend Laura provided breakfast this morning - quiche, fruit, juice, and coffee - and also set a table beautifully, with tablecloth, decorative runner, china, cloth napkins, et cetera. It's amazing, what that will do to make a meal feel special and make the guests feel honored. The parents were quite obviously pleased and touched.

We posed four primary questions:
1. What are the strengths of our RE program?
2. When do you and your youth feel most engaged in our church?
3. What are your hopes and goals for RE for you and for your youth?
4. What else/more would you like us to be doing in our RE program?

Parents of youth like the flexibility of our program, and the RE team's willingness to redesign and reorganize programs to meet kids' needs. They like feeling that our program will be patient and wait for kids, instead of pushing them. They like the sense that their kids are being welcomed into a larger community of people who are enthusiastic about children and youth, and they like that their kids are making multiple connections with adults who care about them. Coming of Age and OWL (Our Whole Lives sexuality education) were singled out as programs that parents value.

They think their kids are most engaged in RE when they're involved in active, entertaining, hands-on activities. Particularly mentioned: art, making things, cooking, big projects that take lots of sessions, activities that help them form peer connections. The youth group is currently doing a fantasy role-playing game focused on, I think, ethical decision-making. It gets good reviews.

The word "community" kept coming up again and again. Parents of youth recognize that their kids' religious development happens through relationships, through being part of a community of both peers and adults, locally and across the District, where kids are welcomed, accepted, mentored, and challenged. They value the opportunity for their kids to have deep moral discussions with people who aren't their parents. One mentioned that it is particularly important for boys to have multiple role models of manhood, and that church and RE can provide this.

The parents whose kids are involved in District youth cons (described by one as "a mixture of workshops and controlled teen stupidity") are incredibly enthusiastic about the experience. Cons give youth a sense of acceptance and community, and the opportunity to discover that although you may feel like an oddball outsider in your everyday life there are lots and lots of UU teens that feel the same way. Cons let youth know that they are not alone.

Parents of youth hope that in the RE program their kids will have the freedom to find their own path. They want them to be exposed to new ideas and traditions. They want them to be challenged. They want them to develop a moral foundation, to figure out how to get things done without sacrificing compassion and ethics. They want them to find mentors.

They'd like more kids to be in the youth group, and they'd like attendance to be more stable. They think it would be helpful to have more evening just-for-fun stuff like movie nights and music nights.

The parents present were all highly dedicated church families. (I'm hoping some less involved families come to subsequent breakfasts.) They spontaneously mentioned making a conscious family decision that "church is what we do" - a commitment to be part of the church community and help with church activities. They all agreed that it doesn't work to make a week-by-week decision about whether to go to church, or to allow your kids to see church as optional. "We have to help parents understand that when you go all the time, it's just better. Kids get more out of it, parents get more out of it, the church gets more out of it."

I am particularly interested in this question, about what makes some families commit to church and others remain on the fringe. Back when Michael and I first started attending, we made a conscious decision to have church be our default, rather than waking up on Sunday morning and deciding whether or not we felt like going. That decision deepened our relationships within the congregation and led to us being much more involved in church activities and church governance. But we were both raised in deeply committed church families, so I think that model felt natural to us.

I'm not sure how the process works for other people. In Unitarian-Universalism there is no obligation to go to church, no sense that it's wrong or sinful to skip church, no sense that the minister has access to spiritual gifts you can't get on your own. What makes church a deep part of life for some people, and a when-it's-convenient activity for others?

Comments

[ailbhe]

I'm interested in becoming part of a church, but it's primarily the notion of regular attendance being either better than occasional attendance or the BEST way to do churchgoing that puts me off. The idea frightens me, somehow. I think part of it might be related to Rob's staunch non-churchgoing attitude and his passionate agnosticism. Because a lot of what churches offer people is what I want.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

it's primarily the notion of regular attendance being either better than occasional attendance or the BEST way to do churchgoing that puts me off. The idea frightens me, somehow.

I get that, because it probably rings "cult" bells, or at the very least gives the unpleasant impression that other people are going to feel comfortable laying down rules for your behavior. Also, if you haven't already made contact with a church, being told that you need to make an all-or-nothing decision is way too much, too soon - like getting married to someone sight unseen.

That said, I think that what I said above about "kids' religious development happens through relationships, through being part of a community of both peers and adults where kids are welcomed, accepted, mentored, and challenged" applies to adults as well, and I do believe that people get the most out of a church when they are able to develop deep relationships with individuals and with the community as a whole.

But it's a courtship, a slow process. I wouldn't let it scare you off from making initial contact, and I certainly wouldn't encourage you to try to force the relationship before it feels right to you.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

The other thing is that I am much more comfortable making short-term commitments - signing up for a four-week or six-week class or study series makes sense to me.

[ailbhe]

I'm ok with long-term commitments around morality - we don't shop in supermarkets or support certain megacorps even in locally owned shops, not having a car is a moral decision for us, we're part of the local environmental and ethically-focussed community, etc. And they're long-term. But rivka is right, we made these decisions gradually, not all at once.

I'm beginning to wonder whether we wouldn't get on better with the church thing if I asked Rob to come with me and bring the children; I think we don't have enough things we do as a family (as distinct from things we eschew).

[ailbhe]

Oh my gods I asked and he said yes unquestioningly and seems totally behind it as an idea. We're going to a Quaker Meeting in about 9 hours. I have to go to bed now.

[ailbhe]

Oh, and I love your church posts.

[castiron.livejournal.com]

I haven't attended my UU church in about two years now. The short reason is that having an autistic child makes it that much more of a challenge to go to church, and after a while I realized I wasn't getting enough out of church and wasn't able to give enough to the church to justify the effort.

If kid #2 turns out neurotypical, I may consider rejoining, but right now I find I'm not missing anything.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Was your congregation willing to work with you and provide support for your child in RE? I've heard that this can be an awful battle, and that many churches just aren't willing to make the effort to include children with disabilities. Which is awful, and yet I'm not sure how well my program would integrate an autistic or severely disabled child into RE, either.

[castiron.livejournal.com]

Actually, the RE directors were quite willing to talk with me about possible options, and we even came up with a plan for having him spend a little time in the classroom for his age and the rest of RE in the nursery playground....but the plan never got communicated to the RE teachers and nursery staff. (And by that point I was frustrated with the church for other reasons, so I didn't push it. It did, though, teach me the importance of taking notes about these meetings!)

It's a tough issue, especially when you're dealing with older kids. If my son has a meltdown now, it's a lot harder to contain him than it was when he was four.

[ranunculus.livejournal.com]

I don't attend a church, and in fact am not Christian, but I have made conscious decisions, one before I quit attending churches and one after.
The first time I chose to go to church in great part because I wanted a spiritual life, and I didn't want regular life to get in the way. I ended that experience by feeling that my church experience was just as much work as my regular life, and with a group of people that I didn't feel was a community I wanted to live with.

My second experience was with a pagan circle which I really, really wanted to be a continuing part of. However it met on a regular schedule, and my work as a stagehand meant that I would regularly miss those meetings. I deliberately chose my profession over a religious group in this case. Part of it was that I am passionately devoted to theatre, and part that the experience of putting up a show -can- be very close to a spiritual experience. Certainly my co-workers have become my community, and that has been very satisfactory for me - but it was a very difficult decision to make.

[jenett]

One of the things I've thought about a lot (in Pagan-related discussions, with people who are considering groups) is that people seem to benefit a lot from hearing people from different perspectives talk about a) what they get out of making that ongoing commitment and b) how people make it work in a practical sense (with different kinds of demands - unpredictable job schedule, having kids, sharing a car or needing to take public transit, having a spouse who is not interested in the same way, etc.)

It's something I want to do more writing about on the public blog, but the conversations I've had when I've been able to do it face to face make me wonder if there might be some sort of evening the RE community could do - a panel discussion followed by Q&A - that talked about

- the kinds of conscious commitments that might be possible,

- how often you might need to look at to start making individual connections [1] (Less than many people think, but as I say, "You have to be there to build relationships with other people there.", which means being there sometimes.)

- how to handle specific "Oh, I would, if only..." practical stuff that there might be solutions or ideas for that'd help, if they knew how other people handled it.


[1]i.e. once a month isn't enough for a lot of people and communities - but twice a month often is, or once a month at a big congregation, and once at some sort of more focused community, whether that's youth group, or a parent play group, or focusing on a particular topic or twhatever.

[ruisseau.livejournal.com]

Going to church was something I always *wanted* to do as a kid but my immediate family was not religious. As a result, I bounced around several Protestant churches looking for something; I didn't know what.

Disillusionment with Christianity led to pagan experimentation and very shaky communities, rife with Pagan Drama (TM). Between my own psychological crap and the drama, I found that a church-like community just wasn't possible, as much as I wished it.

Then we moved here and found Gaia Community (A UU Pagan Congregation). As in many things, Kit found it first. Eventually, I joined him and it didn't take long to realize that this was what I'd been looking for: a group of like-minded folks (generally pagan), with no one true way, gathering regularly.

So, I made a commitment to the church. We go almost every week. I'm the librarian. Kit is lay clergy (of a sort) and I'm taking the class for that this year. He volunteers on the Stewardship Committee and I help when I can based on my insane class schedule.

There is fellowship and friendship and I'm thoroughly joyful in it.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

the same thing that makes science fiction conventions a deep part of life for some people and a when it's convenient activity for others.

that sounds flip, but i'm serious.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

that sounds flip, but i'm serious.

No, I'm sure you're right. But do you have ideas about what that thing is?

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i wish.

i mean, it's community building. both church and cons are communities. so, in a place you can get to, at a time you can make, at a price you can afford, with people you click with. and while the first three are easy to control and change (fsvo "easy"), the last one is the important one, and you can't really do much about it. you can work on being open and making sure that people have an opportunity to connect, but if they're square pegs and all you have are round holes...

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

Does it matter? One thing I have found is that some people are joiners, and others are not. And sometimes people are at a stage in their lives where they need community and other times, not so much.

And someone can be an active member of a church and not go every sunday. My friends Heather and Rodney are like this- Sundays are just hard for them for a myriad of ways, but Heather was on multiple committees, they are first in line for work parties and volunteering, and have deep connection to the church. They just don't go on Sundays. Heck the only reason their 3 1/2 yr old son went to the Christmas Pageant was because we were watching him and I wanted to go. Basically, their timekeeping sucks and they have a zillion things going on at any given time, so being anywhere in particular is a challenge...

It is hard to have classes where there is sporadic attendance - one reason why I actually advocate charging for RE classes (people tend to value stuff more if it costs money, and when people value something, they tend to make a greater commitment to it. And there is the whole "sunk cost" element too - people hate feeling like they are wasting $$ so will actually spend more money to avoid wasting it).

anyhow, I think the question is more along the lines of "for people who want to get more out of the community, what is barriers are there?" One potential one is only having services on sunday. Or looking at encouraging members to belong to covenant groups or lifespan ed classes. certainly the non-religious family nights are great to get non-religious spouses to at least walk into a church.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

One potential one is only having services on sunday. meaning of course, if people cannot make it on Sunday mornings, they may be SOL in attending any service. I love the Catholic model of Saturday night through Sunday evening masses being offered. I used to go to the midnight mass when I was a GU- even though I am not Catholic. It was a nice break from studying.

[juthwara.livejournal.com]

I grew up in a faithfully church-going family, and would really like to have better church-going habits. There are three factors I can see in why we don't go to church more regularly:

1. Difficulty in finding a church that fits both of us and an unequal commitment to going. We were raised with similar theologies but very different worship styles (UCC and Quaker), and it's well-nigh impossible to find the happy medium. What usually ends up happening is we go to a UCC church because I care more. But because I'm the one who cares, it's up to me to provide all of the impetus to go, which gets hard after a while.

2. Finding a church where we really connect with the other people in the congregation. Sometimes we do and it works out well. But other times, we've only been able to find churches where the average age is 20 years older than we are, so even though they're liberal enough, it's hard to integrate with people who identify us with their children.

3. Difficulty finding a church that makes any accomodation for schedules outside the norm. We both have jobs with Sunday hours. I'm trying to clear more Sundays in an effort to get back to church this winter, but it's not possible for me to eliminate Sundays from my work schedule. In the past, we've also had the problem of being night owls who had trouble getting up in time for a 10am service. I would love to find a church with an evening service, but there don't seem to be any of the right denomination in my area.

[telerib.livejournal.com]

...and then some of us are just silly and join congregations 30 min from our homes (in good traffic).

I like First U. I like the people, I like the RE program (children and adult), I like the physical structure, I like the activities.

Just Sunday service is close to a three-hour commitment for me, because of the drive. Forget actually attending those interesting adult RE classes, that occur at 7pm on weeknights. I could handle a 7-9pm class if I could be in home and in bed within 15 minutes; 45-60 min, not so much.

I stopped attending Music Committee meetings because, with traffic, I was leaving a 6pm (or earlier, if the meeting was on Baltimore's north side) and not getting back til 10pm.

I think if my church was 5-15 min from my home, I'd be a lot more involved. I'm tentatively considering exploring other UU congregations in Greenbelt and Columbia, but I'm not really sure they're closer, time-wise, and I do like First U.

In theory, anyway. I don't know how valuable it really is when I can't actually participate in the faith community I came looking to find. :/

[(Anonymous)]

Don't forget the one-fourth of us Meyers-Briggs Introverts who find that activities like committee meetings, regular classes, church services (regardless of content), and even breakfasts or potlucks are extraordinarily draining. "Introverts have reported that they have gone through much of their lives believing that they ought to want more sociability...."

So even though we may feel that belonging to a community is valuable for our children, the experience is unavoidably negative for us. It's not the getting out of bed or the commute or our limited time that is our main problem -- it's just the being with other people.

Grandma Susan

[nolly.livejournal.com]

I do everything I reasonably can to see or communicate regularly with the people who important to me, the friends and family I want to maintain a healthy relationship with. Regular church attendance is the same thing for me -- it's an important way to maintain my relationship with that community, which strengthens my relationship with God. It keeps the fire burning. It's not the act of "attending church" so much as the act of "spending time with my church family" -- attending a church that does not feel like family is not strengthening.

If church became a "sometimes" thing for me, it would mean that it was not important to me, not a priority. That may not be the case for other people, but I don't know what it does mean if it's not that.