Another thing.

[rivka]

I was already feeling fragile this evening before I discovered that someone had hacked Respectful of Otters.

Michael and I took the hospital L&D tour this evening. We were just there on Saturday afternoon for Alex's tour, but I guess that I was focused singlemindedly enough on her experience, or the surrounding details were different enough, that it didn't hit me the wrong way.

Tonight it did.

We were in a group of six or so glowing beaming hopeful expectant couples. A childbirth educator led us onto the L&D floor. Just across the hall from the nurses' station was the little registration room. I glanced in as we walked by, just for a second, and there was a woman sitting in the patient's chair, crying. Hand up to her face. Nonswollen belly.

This time last year I thought I was eleven weeks pregnant. I had just had my first midwife visit, at which everything looked great. I had told Alex that I was pregnant, and the two of us were looking at pictures in pregnancy magazines together. Two weeks afterward I was sitting hunched over my nonswollen belly in that same registration room, crying, having discovered that what I thought was a baby was just a bloody mess of misdirected cells. Getting ready for emergency surgery.

Everything brought it back. The brief glimpse of the crying woman. Standing at the window of an L&D room looking out at the gorgeous 16th-story view of the city by night. The childbirth educator mentioning the two operating rooms on the floor and the 24-hour anesthesiologist. Asking her about triage, did we have to go through triage, realizing only in retrospect that the reason the idea filled me with such dread was that I'd spent a good long time in triage before my D&C. Remembering how I had felt hearing the heartbeat of a laboring woman's live baby on the monitor, on the other side of the curtain, before I got my headphones on.

My due date is a week to ten days after the anniversary date of my D&C. I don't know if I will be thinking these thoughts, having these memories, when I go to the hospital for the birth. Maybe I'll be too focused on labor, too focused on my imminent baby. Maybe it will help that I've already freaked myself out now with the vivid memories that are apparently still locked on to that place. Maybe it will help to be prepared next time, because I swear that for some reason it never occurred to me that it would be hard to go back to L&D, because apparently it's not like I'm a psychologist or a reasonably insightful person or anything.

Maybe I should discuss this with my midwife and doula, but it's hard to think of what to ask for that would be helpful.

Comments

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

Ai ai ai.

Definitely discuss it with midwife and doula - just so they know the deal. You may not know right now what you need support-wise, but it's a thing they should know, in case you DO have a flashback. I'm hoping you don't though.

All my empathy.

N.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I had a similar experience many years ago (but, gods, it sure doesn't seem like many years ago). I'm aching for you.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

It is hard. The points I found hardest were either those most directly related to the trauma in some way (for you this might, I'm guessing, involve blood), or where I felt particularly vulnerable - transition, first push, etc. But it can be something as simple as the feel of being wheeled around.

Having staff there who understood was really helpful, so I would talk about it. You don't have to have a solution in mind to raise a problem! Other things that helped were having things to focus on that were really different - maybe a mirror where you can see how big you are, or going and buying an amulet that is new. What really got me through it though was having my husband there, because he had been there for the whole other experience.

[erikted.livejournal.com]

You don't have to have a solution in mind to raise a problem!

Yes, this. Part of what your support people are for is to help figure out how to support you, even if you don't know.

I once upon simply told the large student health service at my university that I was never again setting foot on a floor where I'd had a bad PTSD experience, and let them figure out how else to do things I needed that "only" happened on that floor. They made it happen.

And while "I'm not ever setting foot in here again" is unlikely to be the answer in your case, saying "Here's an issue; I need you to help me find a way to address it" is always reasonable.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

These are very helpful suggestions, thank you.

I wasn't actually in an L&D room while I waited for my surgery - they had smaller "prenatal" rooms on the same floor, which didn't have baby warmers and everything. So it might help to focus on the baby equipment that's present. Or to ask for heartbeat monitoring if I start to freak out.

They have redecorated the L&D floor, so the wallpaper and floors are different. That will probably help. Dimming the lights might help, because all the rooms I was in for the D&C were normal hospital-bright.

If it's not busy, I might be able to request the same room where I had Alex. I remember that room pretty well, and have very positive associations with it.

I should think pretty carefully about whether I want to avoid putting music that I used to cope with the miscarriage onto my labor playlists. On the one hand, I used those songs to cope because they are incredibly powerful for me. On the other hand, maybe I won't want to hear them.

It would probably be good to be able to avoid the registration room and the triage rooms. But yikes, if I wind up needing one of the ERs? All sanity bets are probably off.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Oh, and wheelchairs. I don't think I want to be pushed in a wheelchair.

[erbie.livejournal.com]

I should think pretty carefully about whether I want to avoid putting music that I used to cope with the miscarriage onto my labor playlists. On the one hand, I used those songs to cope because they are incredibly powerful for me. On the other hand, maybe I won't want to hear them.

OTOH, you might be able to reclaim the songs if you hear them while you're birthing your baby. Maybe put them in a separate playlist and see how you feel in the moment?

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

print this out and hand it to them. seriously.

you are not the first woman this has happened to, probably not even the first woman they've worked with. i bet they have ideas of what to do and how to deal with it.

*hug*

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Yes, this.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I think this is a good idea.

[aloha-moira.livejournal.com]

I agree - if nothing else, it may be reassuring to know that your birth team is aware of possible emotional reactions... if it happens, you won't have that extra layer of worry (about how they're reacting to you reacting).

Sorry to hear about the flashback, and about the blog... I hope you get the Otters back!

[ckd]

Thinking of you. No advice, just support.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Tell the midwife and doula. You can't think of anything that would be helpful, but they might. And if you suddenly freak and tell them to do something stupid (draw the curtains/open the curtains/not *that* room), they'll understand, and you'll know they understand.

And you'll have vocalized your fear, and know a bit more about how it affects you.


(Or so I say, being some random weirdo you met on the internet :-) )

[selki.livejournal.com]

Oh, ow, I'm sorry. Hope some of the suggestions help, or that at least this reminder you got will be helpful somehow.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

<Hugs>

I agree with everybody else; tell them. Those memories will stay with you, but I hope that they will be overlaid by many more good ones.

[zencuppa.livejournal.com]

Yes, please talk to your midwife and Doula.

You don't to "know" what you need, instead ask what they suggest to help you, okay?

*hugs*

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

agreeing with everyone else. And to be honest, it is good that you had this experience NOW - and not in early labor. Forewarned is forearmed.

The good thing about using midwives/doulas is that the birthing approach is more emotionally oriented than traditional birth in the US - while there are lots of gentle and supportive OBs and nurses out there, the standard medical model is not. In the midwifery model, mom's psychological situation is absolutely part of birth and needs to be addressed/supported/encouraged.

If you are scared, traumatized, feeling vulnerable, that is very likely going to impact your birth. But addressing it head on and surrounding yourself by people you trust and love can go a long way towards mitigating those feelings.

I'd recommend on anticipating being upset (prepare for the worst, hope for the best) since it would be very natural for you to be so. Perhaps thinking about some calming techniques to help you focus on the present situation - this specific little baby who is healthy and going to be arriving very soon.

I'd also make sure your doula and midwife know what to look for - you may not be able to verbalize your mental state, but michael may know, or they might be able to tell from your body language/facial expressions. And any heads up on stuff that WON'T work - being touched, or types of music, etc.

Also, something I have been reading from a lot of different sources right now (what with world economic meltdown etc) is how deeply upsetting situations have a tendency to make us more spiritually aware. Perhaps it is the "that which does not kill me, makes me stronger" aspect. Perhaps because we start to value what we have. I dunno.

But I personally find strength in recognizing that something stuff is just freakin' hard, it nearly kills us and makes us feel like used tissue paper, but that we do get through it and survive. And then are blessed with love and family and friends.

{hugs}

[papersky.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[eeyorerin]

I am still close to Allan's family, and his mother is a labor and delivery nurse. Would it help if I asked her about this and if she had any suggestions?

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[kate_nepveu]

*support support support*

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I have no new ideas other than to agree that sharing this with your birth team is a good idea. *supportive vibes sent*

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

*hug* No helpful suggestions but I'm thinking of you.

[ailbhe]

When we had the labour ward tour when I was planning my c-section with Emer, I had a very bad reaction, and then went to see the theatres again separately from the tour, me and Rob, and had a lesser reaction, and then on the day I was ok, more or less.

I realise that my trauma is not your trauma but from where I can see, I think it would be wise to tell your supporters that you have had this reaction, that x y and z were the things which upset you this time around, and that you don't know how you will feel next time you see those places.

I'd hug you if I could :(

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I wish I had good advice for you. I was fortunate that both of my miscarriages happened elsewhere -- yours was especially traumatic. There is a good possibility, however, that you'll be so distracted during labor that it won't be a problem. It does have a way of focusing the mind.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

You know, I've been feeling like such a ridiculous basket case because such a huge percentage of women have had miscarriages and, you know, go on and live their lives and have their other children.

Your comment helped clarify in my mind that it's not just that I went through a very sad loss and grieved. I was also terrified. The whole process of waiting to go to the hospital and then being there and then having the D&C was incredibly scary for me. And that's what I'm combatting here, more than the sad parts.

So thank you. And yes, I hope that singleminded labor focus is my friend.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Your trauma is very clearly not just the "what" of pregnancy loss. It's also the how. And your "how" was pretty damn terrifying.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. (The trauma flashbacks. Not the childbirth prep.) I've had some experience of trauma flashbacks in medical contexts, and I found it helped to have caregivers know about the problem, at least in general outline. (Some of my particular hot buttons include feeling pressured not to complain, and having the people who are hurting me laugh at me for complaining. Which don't seem to have happened to you.) Just having people recognize the possibility of trauma reactions feels reassuring and validating.

Something else that can be reassuring is reminders of where I am, and what's happening. When I'm under a lot of stress, it's hard for me to stay verbal. If that happens to you, you might want Michael or somebody else to help carry the narrative. (You're in labor. You're working to deliver your son, who is big and strong and has been kicking you in the bladder for however many weeks. Or whatever works for you.) It sometimes helps me to have somebody who knows I'm quietly freaking out remind me to pay attention to here, now, breathing, hand-holding, eye contact, and so forth. Of course, labor itself takes a great deal of attention, as Fairoriana says.