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Jan. 31st, 2009 11:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaIt's been a year. (If you're pregnant, please don't click through the link.)
I would have had a six-month-old now. Playing with toys. Maybe sitting up.
If that pregnancy had not ended, I would not have become pregnant with the Niblet who is, at this very moment, trying to batter his way out of my belly with his feet. He would not exist. I will always look at this baby and know that great grief made him possible.
I have no great meaning to extract from what happened to us a year ago. I can only say that you endure what you must because there's no other choice, and eventually it ends. Suffering is finite.
I haven't forgotten; I don't think I could. Who I am has been shaped by what happened a year ago. I can still contact the sadness. But I'm not there anymore.
I survived.
I would have had a six-month-old now. Playing with toys. Maybe sitting up.
If that pregnancy had not ended, I would not have become pregnant with the Niblet who is, at this very moment, trying to batter his way out of my belly with his feet. He would not exist. I will always look at this baby and know that great grief made him possible.
I have no great meaning to extract from what happened to us a year ago. I can only say that you endure what you must because there's no other choice, and eventually it ends. Suffering is finite.
I haven't forgotten; I don't think I could. Who I am has been shaped by what happened a year ago. I can still contact the sadness. But I'm not there anymore.
I survived.
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Date: 2009-02-01 07:51 pm (UTC)I probably wouldn't have my son had my daughter not died 4 days after she was born, and it is absolutely impossible at this point to imagine life without him, just for himself. There is joy after sorrow. Yay.