(no subject)

[rivka]

It's been a year. (If you're pregnant, please don't click through the link.)

I would have had a six-month-old now. Playing with toys. Maybe sitting up.

If that pregnancy had not ended, I would not have become pregnant with the Niblet who is, at this very moment, trying to batter his way out of my belly with his feet. He would not exist. I will always look at this baby and know that great grief made him possible.

I have no great meaning to extract from what happened to us a year ago. I can only say that you endure what you must because there's no other choice, and eventually it ends. Suffering is finite.

I haven't forgotten; I don't think I could. Who I am has been shaped by what happened a year ago. I can still contact the sadness. But I'm not there anymore.

I survived.

Comments

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

I certainly know how this feels, though my miscarriage was not as traumatic as yours was, though it certainly had trauma in its own way.

Anthony would not exist if that first pregnancy had continued. I'd have some other baby, but not my sweet, train obsessed, infuriating, cooking little guy. A real live boy is much more real to me than an abstraction.