State of the mental health.

[rivka]

I followed up with my psychiatrist today for my postpartum anxiety disorder.

I've been on meds for three weeks. They are helping some. The big difference I notice is that when I have a crazy thought I can recognize that it is an irrational product of anxiety and not, you know, a real thing. That doesn't actually make it go away, but it nonetheless represents an improvement over before, when I would have crazy thoughts without realizing that they were crazy.

For example. When our previous nanny quit I developed the conviction that whatever she might say about being offered a full-time job doing something else, the real reason she quit was that she thought we were disgusting and awful. I was entirely convinced of this. It wasn't until I sat down at one point - after days and days - to marshal my evidence for that conclusion that I realized that, um, I didn't have any. Before that it never occurred to me to doubt my belief. I still kind of think it might be true.

In contrast, the new and improved Prozac Rivka took Colin to an infant story hour last week. As I wheeled the stroller up to the library, I saw another mother with her infant in a front carrier. I immediately thought, "I bet she thinks I'm a terrible mother for using a stroller instead of carrying my baby." But immediately after that I thought, "Wow, that was a crazy thought. I bet that's the anxiety talking." I still thought there was a chance that she despised me, but I was also able to understand and accept the possibility that I was being irrational. That's an improvement.

What hasn't gone away is the anxiety itself. I have periods usually lasting at least a couple of hours during which I feel very anxious and tense and keyed-up and have a tendency to think irrational things along the everyone-thinks-I'm-terrible spectrum. In the last week or so it's been increasingly possible for me to label those periods as brain-chemistry-related. It doesn't make them go away, but it sort of helps me ride them out.

We're going to start titrating the Prozac levels up until I stop having these anxiety episodes. The other thing that may help, hormonally, is that I'm starting to cut back on how much milk I'm pumping. I had pushed myself into overproduction so that I could build up a stash of milk in the freezer, and now I'm going to back that off so I'm not making more than Colin actually drinks. To the extent that my anxiety disorder is hormonally mediated, making less milk will probably help.

So that's where I am. Your continued forbearance is very much appreciated.

Comments

[txanne.livejournal.com]

I'm glad things are improving. For the record, I can't imagine anything that would make me despise you.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

You are doing great! Recognizing the crazy thoughts as crazy is a big step in the right direction, truly.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you, wishing you well. Forbearing as needed.

Also, sympathizing with the "crazy thought / 'I am thinking crazy thoughts' / 'okay, crazy thoughts, you can go away any time now . . . '" progression. And with the "this is my brain, not my mind" distinction, which I find very helpful, personally.

I continue to be very grateful for modern pharmacology, both for myself and for my friends.

(Edited to correct poor word choice on my part.)

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

*blink* Wow. When you do it, it's so obviously irrational and unfounded. When I do it, it seems so reasonable that X person really despises me. One more thing to talk to the new psychiatrist about tomorrow, I guess.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to chime in here that I agree with all the things txanne, ratphooey and janetmiles wrote, and add that when I was having extreme anxiety and panic attacks in gradschool post-separation from my husband, I felt like you often do now. Even after the meds had kicked in. Slowly it went away though and things settled down.

I'm over here, cheering you on, still thinking you are awesome :) I hope that helps, at least a little bit, sometimes!

N.

[ckd]

I'm glad things are improving, and hope for continued progress in that direction for you.

[zingerella.livejournal.com]

All the best for continued progress. Recognizing the irrational thoughts as irrational does seem like a positive step.

I, some weird person on the Internet, do not think you're a terrible person or a terrible mother. You show many signs of being a very lovely person and a very good mother.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

In case you didn't know, I think you're an awesome parent and wish I was more like you.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

btw, as an alternative to the level of meds, it may be that prozac is not the right drug for you. A good friend of mine who has anxiety got very little relief from prozac but does well on wellbutrin. Lexapro also has had some good outcomes too.

Good luck and I look forward to see you soon.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I'll definitely keep that in mind. But right now I'm on such a tiny tiny dose of Prozac - I take the smallest pills they make and cut them in half - that increasing it seems like a reasonable option.

Looking forward to seeing you too. I've been thinking a lot about our class.

[trope.livejournal.com]

Can I just be proactive about the reassurance here? I had such a similar experience with the post partum anxiety and the pumping/nursing and whatnot, it breaks my heart to hear you going through it too. I waited FAR TOO LONG to get myself on meds and kept the dose too low for quite a while because I was concerned about medications in breastmilk, yadda yadda. I knew it was safe, but I wanted to do things the very "bestest" way. At this point, that feeling seems as goofy as your stroller/sling thing. (BTW, I was a sling mama at that story hour, two years ago, and I felt like when I walked into the library with my sling all the other mamas would be able to tell that I was a bad mother because my baby wouldn't even tolerate being as far away as stroller distance from me. I *really* envied the parents with babies in strollers.)

So, the short version: meds are good, go you, and hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully it starts to improve soon.

[ailbhe]

Oh *god* I remember the "need to sort out milk imbalance" craziness. At one point I could fix my sobbing jags by waking the baby for a feed.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

Yay for Prozac. And for getting help. Anything that alows you to step back and view depressive thoughts for what they are is a wonderful thing.

[ailbhe]

Oh, and I'd like to say I'm really, really glad that you took yourself seriously and sought treatment and are in general looking after yourself. That's a whole level of loving, responsible mothering many women can't quite manage, as I am quite certain you know. You've managed it. Well done.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Nod. This is the nasty thing about mood disorders - as much as anything else, they muck with your perceptions of yourself and the world around you.

Keeping in mind that you know that they're distorted helps some, but the natural feeling/tendency is to fall back into the perceptions the mood disorders bring about.

Here's hoping you're better soon.

(One thing: you know you're getting a lot better when those challenging thoughts come quickly. Don't *ever* fall into the trap of thinking that there's something bad and wrong and awful about you because you have to keep challenging negative thoughts ("normal people don't have to do this!"). I think of the challenging phase as being like the tingling phase of a limb having fallen asleep. You're starting to feel again, and there's a lot of buzzy-information that crosses the wires when that happens.)

[ororo.livejournal.com]

Best wishes for finding therapeutic dose and, without sounding tacky, a happy healthy place to be.

[clstal.livejournal.com]

Saying this sounds miserable is an understatement. Know that though I don't know you IRL, what I know of you from your journal convinces me you're a spectacular person. And from reading other comments, I assume I'm in NO way isolated in this sentiment!

Being able to ID the crazy thoughts is the first step, right? - and in my opinion, the hardest.

Congrads on the hard work you're doing, and with making progress!

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Definitely it helps when you can realise that your crazy thoughts are crazy. "This is not rational, it is bad brain chemistry."

Glad that you are feeling better even if it's not all-the-way better. Mental health issues take a while to clear up, even when they're caused by relatively simple biochemical imbalances. So an improvement is a good thing.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that things are improving, and I hope that the anxiety improves even more, quickly.

[redbird]

It doesn't feel as though I'm forbearing, but I will certainly continue to treat you well and with the patience you deserve, need, or want.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Know what you mean about the Prozac helping figure out what's a crazy thought and what's a rational thought. It works the same way for me.

I'm back on the Prozac -- winter is hitting me hard this year -- and it helps, immeasurably. So does having a job I love and a family who unconditionally support me.

It _will_ get better. It's already starting to.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Actually, you rock. Just offering an external objective opinion here in case it helps.

I hope the drugs get rid of the delusions soon.