Sunday morning.
Jan. 30th, 2011 09:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaIt's Sunday morning, and I don't want to go to church.
Nine years ago, Michael and I made the decision that we are a family that goes to church whether we feel like it or not. That goes double now that we have kids in Religious Education. Church is the way it is. But I'm not feeling it, and I haven't for a while.
Well, I have a toddler. I haven't been able to sit and listen to an entire service in... yeah, it's been a while. Michael does half the Colin duty, but he does it on the weeks that I am occupied during the service teaching Religious Education. (Which by the way, I have not been enjoying at all.) We could have made a push to get Colin comfortable in the nursery, but we haven't. I confess that I don't feel particularly motivated to do it. I don't feel like I've bonded to our new minister, so I guess I've felt less of a drive to get Colin settled so that I can go hear the sermon.
Michael, of course, is hugely involved in church leadership. Hugely. He's the vice-president of the Board of Trustees and the chair of the Stewardship Committee. We're swinging into stewardship season, so church business is about to start taking even more of his time than it already does. And the Nominating Committee has asked him to stand for presidency of the congregation this coming year. They don't really have any other candidates. It's something he is called to do, and he'll be awesome at it, but I'm dreading it.
I kind of feel like, the more that Michael does at church, the less there is there for me. Church starts to feel like an obligation, something that cuts into our family time and demands that I do a lot of extra solo parenting.
I don't know. It's not like my feelings about Unitarian-Universalism have changed at all. And it's not like I don't respect the value of our church as an institution. But I don't feel like going to church is feeding me. It just feels like work.
I know there are people on my friends list who have been committed to a church or another institution for the long term. How do you handle the down cycles? Or don't you have them?
Nine years ago, Michael and I made the decision that we are a family that goes to church whether we feel like it or not. That goes double now that we have kids in Religious Education. Church is the way it is. But I'm not feeling it, and I haven't for a while.
Well, I have a toddler. I haven't been able to sit and listen to an entire service in... yeah, it's been a while. Michael does half the Colin duty, but he does it on the weeks that I am occupied during the service teaching Religious Education. (Which by the way, I have not been enjoying at all.) We could have made a push to get Colin comfortable in the nursery, but we haven't. I confess that I don't feel particularly motivated to do it. I don't feel like I've bonded to our new minister, so I guess I've felt less of a drive to get Colin settled so that I can go hear the sermon.
Michael, of course, is hugely involved in church leadership. Hugely. He's the vice-president of the Board of Trustees and the chair of the Stewardship Committee. We're swinging into stewardship season, so church business is about to start taking even more of his time than it already does. And the Nominating Committee has asked him to stand for presidency of the congregation this coming year. They don't really have any other candidates. It's something he is called to do, and he'll be awesome at it, but I'm dreading it.
I kind of feel like, the more that Michael does at church, the less there is there for me. Church starts to feel like an obligation, something that cuts into our family time and demands that I do a lot of extra solo parenting.
I don't know. It's not like my feelings about Unitarian-Universalism have changed at all. And it's not like I don't respect the value of our church as an institution. But I don't feel like going to church is feeding me. It just feels like work.
I know there are people on my friends list who have been committed to a church or another institution for the long term. How do you handle the down cycles? Or don't you have them?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 06:05 pm (UTC)I skipped church today because I had some friends in town I wanted to get together to have coffee with. Ed took the girls.
With ANY organization you're involved in, there's a necessary balance between giving and taking. I have pulled back from situations where I felt like I had gotten into the habit of putting in too much.
I did this really drastically on one occasion in college: one of my reasons for doing a study-abroad semester was that I felt like I had gotten sucked into organizational politics and drama and the best way to disengage was just to vanish completely from campus for a semester. I also just wanted to go abroad for a semester, but leaving for three months also completely disengaged me from some drama I was really glad to leave behind and when I got back I was very conscious of not re-engaging and this was a really healthy choice for me. But, also, it helped me to grasp HOW to disengage in a way that made it easier for me to do in less dramatic ways, later on.
(This was not a church community, mind you, but -- if you can believe it -- the campus office where I had my work-study job. I can look back with nostalgia now! Sigh.)
It is really, really tiring to take a toddler to church. Our church had no childcare for a long time, and then a mom joined who really wanted us to have it and (a) now we have childcare and (b) now we have lots more families with young children. The community has been very careful not to pressure people to use the childcare if they prefer to keep their kids with them, which is really nice -- it's there if you want it, but the kids are a welcome part of the community regardless.
Anyway, the basic answer to your question is that I pull back if I'm feeling drained, and lower my involvement. You have given A LOT to this organization and you have built up a bank of contributions that frankly entitle you to coast for a while if you'd like. Moreover, you should view your and Michael's contributions of time and energy as analogous to money: if it comes from Michael, it also comes from you, and (a) this means you get to object to really LARGE contributions if you think it will be bad for your family, and (b) you really do not have to volunteer AT ALL when he's doing so much, unless you really want to, because your household's obligations are being covered (and then some).
no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 07:56 pm (UTC)Moreover, you should view your and Michael's contributions of time and energy as analogous to money: if it comes from Michael, it also comes from you, and (a) this means you get to object to really LARGE contributions if you think it will be bad for your family, and (b) you really do not have to volunteer AT ALL when he's doing so much, unless you really want to, because your household's obligations are being covered (and then some).
I absolutely agree with this, and for some time now I've been saying that my volunteer commitment to the church is taking care of our kids so that Michael can help run things. I don't treat that lightly, because we don't have the kind of family in which it is assumed that the mother is going to take care of the kids all the time, so it is a huge commitment from me.
But: (a) that feeds into the feeling that church is a Michael-thing and not a me-thing, and (b) no one but Michael is ever going to notice or appreciate that this is something I do that is of value to the church. Because I'm their mother, of course I take care of them.
I did get a jovial and patronizing "Thank you for lending us your husband!" from the minister once, but um. That made me feel the opposite of appreciated.
All of this makes it sound like I ought to find some kind of substantive contribution I can make to the church that doesn't involve Religious Education or childcare, doesn't it? Except that I really don't want to.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 08:29 pm (UTC)No, it sounds like what would be better for you is to find a different way you could benefit from your church community - and maybe the worship services aren't going to do it for you for a while, with the combination of Colin and the minister. So if there was some kind of adult RE study that interested you, maybe you and Michael could find a way that you could go to it.
Or, maybe it's just an understandable down-time that you can decide to live through for another year, complaining on a suitable filter and practising saying no to people. I agree with you about the value of having healthy church community as part of the children's growing up routine, but with the same guidelines as having extended family in one's children's lives - you're modelling how you take care of yourself and get what you need, even when the family/community isn't perfect.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 11:41 pm (UTC)I was thinking more that you should send Michael to church with the children on the Sundays you aren't teaching, and sleep in. For a month or two.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 01:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-04 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 04:10 am (UTC)community is not only about what you give to it, but what it gives to you. i'm certainly not saying that you should not do things that are useful for the community, because you do and you did, and you will. but maybe it's time for michael to get colin settled into the nursery and for you to see some whole services and see how you bond with the new minister.