(no subject)

[rivka]

The visitation starts in about an hour. It's not going to be the two-hour ordeal I pictured. It's going to be a three-hour ordeal. The family gets a private hour before visitors are admitted.

We're giving Alex the opportunity to see the body if she chooses, and she wants to. I took her aside to ask her if she had any questions about what it would be like. She looked at me blankly.

"Like, are you wondering what Poppy's body will look like?"

She hadn't been, but now she was. The questions tumbled out. "Will there still be his flesh, or will he be a skeleton? Will he have clothes on?"

She almost seemed a little disappointed to hear that Poppy would look like he was just sleeping. She's so far from understanding what death is that she isn't even really grappling with it yet. But it won't be something that can escape her much longer.

Okay. Time to go get us all dressed.

Comments

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

Holding you all in the Light.

(Three hours? GAAH.)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yeah. This is not a tradition of My People, and it feels mighty strange.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I hear you. Thinking of you, and wishing you all strength and comfort and support in whatever proportions seem best.

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

My parents both hate viewings, and I certainly won't have one at my funeral -- well, I won't be around, but I will encourage my survivors not to do so -- but others find it a comfort.

Three hours gak.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

My People don't do viewing, and we don't do reciting prayers together at the funeral home like I think some Orthodox and Roman Catholics do. We do do hours and hours of standing around visiting with old friends at the funeral home - I think we had three crowded sessions for Dad and two for Mum. My favourite part of Mum's funeral week was the time between visitation sessions when all the grandchildren including Mar threw off their dress shirts and played soccer on the same front lawn we'd played on. I hope you find something similar.

I think you're really smart to give Alex lots of chances to ask questions now; it will help prevent her internalising the idea of some of it being unmentionable.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Good luck. This is what half of my family does, and it can feel very alien. I hope that Alex grapples as successfully as she can with this hardest of concepts. You are in our thoughts.

[ckd]

Best wishes.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Not a tradition of My People, either. My first viewing was at like. Age 30.

Hope things aren't too... aren't too much.

(When my grandmother died, when I was 6, they cremated her. So I remember peering down into the grave and seeing the cremation box, and it was just so /weird/. Though I did get the point that she wasn't going to be there anymore.)

[ailbhe]

It wasn't the hardest bit when it was my Nana, when I was 18 (with cousins down to age 8 approx, and second cousins younger). All the offspring and grandchildren handled sitting around for 3-5 hours with hundreds of relations and nuns and things ok. The hardest bit was the burial. The clods of earth hitting the box was real even to the people for whom the rest wasn't.

I hope the visitation goes ok for all of you. I hope the presence of the children is a comfort to everyone else there.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

You're all in my thoughts. I hope it all goes as well as it possibly can go.

[pickledginger.livejournal.com]

If she's asking about skeletons, I think she's got a fair idea.

Hope it's gone well. Three hours! Oh, my.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

for my mom, we had three days of viewings (3 hours each), and the funeral. My grandma had two days of viewings of about the same. It was a good way for people who couldn't make the funeral to be able to pay their respects, and for us to be surrounded by people who were looking after us.

In the casket, my mom didn't look like herself at all. That was kind of odd. My grandma looked like a nice person (she was a nasty bitch most of her life) which was odd in and off itself, but even weirder, she was wearing one of my dresses. That was creepy.

After the funeral for my mom, my dad took us all out to dinner at the Harvard club in NY (he is a member) because our apartment was too small for the number of people. I just remember being surrounded by people who all "got it" about the loss we had just been dealt, and that helped.

At my grandma's, we went back to a cousin's house and my mom caught up on all the family gossip while the guys watched football, and everyone ate food that seemed to contain a lot of jello.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to add that I am thinking of you all. I remember the numb feelings of sleep walking through it all and being surrounded by family (Andy especially) helped so much. I know your presence and support for Michael and the presence of the kids is invaluable at this time.

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

The boys asked questions for a long time afterward, like months, but they were thoughtful questions. I think they process this sort of thing over the course of time, tumbling it over in their heads for a good long while.

I hope all went well.

[naomikritzer]

I totally hear you on the "not the traditions of My People" issue.

[txobserver.livejournal.com]

It's over now, so I hope it wasn't too difficult for you.

I am very glad you let Alex go. I still remember how terrible and confused I felt when I was her age and was kept at home from my grandfather's visitation and funeral. Two of the adults I cared about most (my mom and grandmother) were bitterly sad and crying on and off throughout the time we were visiting for his death and last rites, yet I was shunted off and kept at home. Having been to many funerals since, including both my own parents and my husband's mom, I can only say, people have these rituals around death because they actually do help the living get some kind of closure. The talk about the deceased is usually incredibly positive, with many anecdotes related about the loved one that are great to hear and remember. I will be interested to hear if this was your experience as well. While I wouldn't choose an open casket for myself, it isn't scary, and kids need to learn not to be afraid of death.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Because I was kept away from all of it (visitation, funeral, reception afterwards) when I was 7 (grandfather) and 8 (cousin), and from all deaths of family friends until I was 19, I spent a lot of time imagining scary things happening at funerals, instead of seeing them as just another serious church service like Easter, surrounded with a lot of boring grownup talk about the old days.

I completely agree with you. (Except that instead of kids need to learn not to be afraid of death, I'd sort of sidestep the actual dealing with death part and say kids need the chance to see the community rituals surrounding death.)