It was bound to happen sooner or later...
Sep. 3rd, 2001 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivka...someone I care about discovered my LJ, found himself unflatteringly referenced in this post, and is now quite hurt and upset.
So now I'm not sure where to take this. I'm sorry he's feeling bad. I'm sorry I didn't warn him that I had posted when I was upset with him, but it was a month ago and I'd honestly forgotten.
I'm not sorry that I wrote it. I don't think it was unfair. And it was certainly an honest depiction of my feelings at the time. I'm not willing to promise that I won't write unflattering things about him, or about other people I know, in the future. I have no use for a journal that can only be used for the measured expression of tactful opinions. Since I read his e-mail, I've been saying to myself, Oh, great. Another place where I'm going to have to self-censor. I can't talk candidly about relationship problems in alt.poly, because two of my partners and one partner's wife read everything I post. alt.callahans is pretty much lost to me as a net.home for other reasons, but before it was the same basic problems applied.
I could've made the post friends-only. But then what would I do, not list him as a friend? Would I set access to a specific list of friends, excluding him? Ick. At the time I wrote the original post, I didn't have any friends listed. I wasn't even sure I was going to let anyone know I'd started a Live Journal. Maybe my first impulse was the best one.
He's out for the evening (I should be too, because it's English Country Dance night, but we had to take a houseguest to the airport), and I'm struggling to figure out what to say to him when he returns my call. At the moment, the best I can come up with - for him, for anyone who knows me, is:
"In most of my life I speak very carefully - I spend a lot of time searching for the fairest, most tactful, least emotionally escalating way to express my feelings about a problem. Or I may decide that there isn't a fair, tactful, calm way of saying something, and I might choose to let it go. I do have strong feelings and reactions, though, and sometimes I want to express them without worrying about doing it in the calmest possible way, the way least likely to cause hurt feelings or misinterpretation. This is my place to do that. That means that reading my Live Journal is probably going to be a mixed experience for you. I'm not going to encourage you to read it or stop reading it - but I'm not going to hold back from saying things that might hurt your feelings, either."
I don't know. *sigh* Is that too harsh? How do y'all handle talking about other people who might be - or definitely are - reading your LJ? How much do you self-censor? Do you ever tell someone not to read? How would you want your partners and friends to handle talking about you in a semi-public journal?
So now I'm not sure where to take this. I'm sorry he's feeling bad. I'm sorry I didn't warn him that I had posted when I was upset with him, but it was a month ago and I'd honestly forgotten.
I'm not sorry that I wrote it. I don't think it was unfair. And it was certainly an honest depiction of my feelings at the time. I'm not willing to promise that I won't write unflattering things about him, or about other people I know, in the future. I have no use for a journal that can only be used for the measured expression of tactful opinions. Since I read his e-mail, I've been saying to myself, Oh, great. Another place where I'm going to have to self-censor. I can't talk candidly about relationship problems in alt.poly, because two of my partners and one partner's wife read everything I post. alt.callahans is pretty much lost to me as a net.home for other reasons, but before it was the same basic problems applied.
I could've made the post friends-only. But then what would I do, not list him as a friend? Would I set access to a specific list of friends, excluding him? Ick. At the time I wrote the original post, I didn't have any friends listed. I wasn't even sure I was going to let anyone know I'd started a Live Journal. Maybe my first impulse was the best one.
He's out for the evening (I should be too, because it's English Country Dance night, but we had to take a houseguest to the airport), and I'm struggling to figure out what to say to him when he returns my call. At the moment, the best I can come up with - for him, for anyone who knows me, is:
"In most of my life I speak very carefully - I spend a lot of time searching for the fairest, most tactful, least emotionally escalating way to express my feelings about a problem. Or I may decide that there isn't a fair, tactful, calm way of saying something, and I might choose to let it go. I do have strong feelings and reactions, though, and sometimes I want to express them without worrying about doing it in the calmest possible way, the way least likely to cause hurt feelings or misinterpretation. This is my place to do that. That means that reading my Live Journal is probably going to be a mixed experience for you. I'm not going to encourage you to read it or stop reading it - but I'm not going to hold back from saying things that might hurt your feelings, either."
I don't know. *sigh* Is that too harsh? How do y'all handle talking about other people who might be - or definitely are - reading your LJ? How much do you self-censor? Do you ever tell someone not to read? How would you want your partners and friends to handle talking about you in a semi-public journal?
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Grrr. Arrgghh.
Date: 2001-09-03 08:16 pm (UTC)Second, I agree with the entire Fragile Flower post. I tend to get more angry and lash out, which seems to indicate to people that I don't need help. It sucks.
While I think I can infer from context who the persons were, I'm just not going to Go There at all.
My default LJ security is Friends. Once someone is on my Friends list, I feel it's only fair to keep any ugliness out of my posts. I had this work in a very positive way for me in one case a while back. I was hurting over something in the past, but since I didn't want to post about an old hurt/grudge, I decided to clear the air with this person, and we're closer than ever.
It doesn't always work that way. Another friend posted something that triggered my TMI alarm and I asked to be taken of that person's Friends list.
So, I watch myself quite a bit. I found myself doing it a bit too much and wrote a rather large reminder of "This is my journal dammit." Ironcially, my therapist of a couple years ago reccommended I not keep a journal because I sought approval so intensely that I'd censor myself.
Unless something has me extremely upset, I don't talk about my newsgroups or IRC channels in LJ. II also don't talk about LJ in other semi-public forums (fora?).
I just reread this and realized I don't have any advice or suggestions. It's really hard to tell anyone, "I can't share this with you," when you're obviously sharing it with others. *HUGS* I wish you lots of luck and hope my perspective might be of some use to you.
See you Friday. :)