It was bound to happen sooner or later...
Sep. 3rd, 2001 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivka...someone I care about discovered my LJ, found himself unflatteringly referenced in this post, and is now quite hurt and upset.
So now I'm not sure where to take this. I'm sorry he's feeling bad. I'm sorry I didn't warn him that I had posted when I was upset with him, but it was a month ago and I'd honestly forgotten.
I'm not sorry that I wrote it. I don't think it was unfair. And it was certainly an honest depiction of my feelings at the time. I'm not willing to promise that I won't write unflattering things about him, or about other people I know, in the future. I have no use for a journal that can only be used for the measured expression of tactful opinions. Since I read his e-mail, I've been saying to myself, Oh, great. Another place where I'm going to have to self-censor. I can't talk candidly about relationship problems in alt.poly, because two of my partners and one partner's wife read everything I post. alt.callahans is pretty much lost to me as a net.home for other reasons, but before it was the same basic problems applied.
I could've made the post friends-only. But then what would I do, not list him as a friend? Would I set access to a specific list of friends, excluding him? Ick. At the time I wrote the original post, I didn't have any friends listed. I wasn't even sure I was going to let anyone know I'd started a Live Journal. Maybe my first impulse was the best one.
He's out for the evening (I should be too, because it's English Country Dance night, but we had to take a houseguest to the airport), and I'm struggling to figure out what to say to him when he returns my call. At the moment, the best I can come up with - for him, for anyone who knows me, is:
"In most of my life I speak very carefully - I spend a lot of time searching for the fairest, most tactful, least emotionally escalating way to express my feelings about a problem. Or I may decide that there isn't a fair, tactful, calm way of saying something, and I might choose to let it go. I do have strong feelings and reactions, though, and sometimes I want to express them without worrying about doing it in the calmest possible way, the way least likely to cause hurt feelings or misinterpretation. This is my place to do that. That means that reading my Live Journal is probably going to be a mixed experience for you. I'm not going to encourage you to read it or stop reading it - but I'm not going to hold back from saying things that might hurt your feelings, either."
I don't know. *sigh* Is that too harsh? How do y'all handle talking about other people who might be - or definitely are - reading your LJ? How much do you self-censor? Do you ever tell someone not to read? How would you want your partners and friends to handle talking about you in a semi-public journal?
So now I'm not sure where to take this. I'm sorry he's feeling bad. I'm sorry I didn't warn him that I had posted when I was upset with him, but it was a month ago and I'd honestly forgotten.
I'm not sorry that I wrote it. I don't think it was unfair. And it was certainly an honest depiction of my feelings at the time. I'm not willing to promise that I won't write unflattering things about him, or about other people I know, in the future. I have no use for a journal that can only be used for the measured expression of tactful opinions. Since I read his e-mail, I've been saying to myself, Oh, great. Another place where I'm going to have to self-censor. I can't talk candidly about relationship problems in alt.poly, because two of my partners and one partner's wife read everything I post. alt.callahans is pretty much lost to me as a net.home for other reasons, but before it was the same basic problems applied.
I could've made the post friends-only. But then what would I do, not list him as a friend? Would I set access to a specific list of friends, excluding him? Ick. At the time I wrote the original post, I didn't have any friends listed. I wasn't even sure I was going to let anyone know I'd started a Live Journal. Maybe my first impulse was the best one.
He's out for the evening (I should be too, because it's English Country Dance night, but we had to take a houseguest to the airport), and I'm struggling to figure out what to say to him when he returns my call. At the moment, the best I can come up with - for him, for anyone who knows me, is:
"In most of my life I speak very carefully - I spend a lot of time searching for the fairest, most tactful, least emotionally escalating way to express my feelings about a problem. Or I may decide that there isn't a fair, tactful, calm way of saying something, and I might choose to let it go. I do have strong feelings and reactions, though, and sometimes I want to express them without worrying about doing it in the calmest possible way, the way least likely to cause hurt feelings or misinterpretation. This is my place to do that. That means that reading my Live Journal is probably going to be a mixed experience for you. I'm not going to encourage you to read it or stop reading it - but I'm not going to hold back from saying things that might hurt your feelings, either."
I don't know. *sigh* Is that too harsh? How do y'all handle talking about other people who might be - or definitely are - reading your LJ? How much do you self-censor? Do you ever tell someone not to read? How would you want your partners and friends to handle talking about you in a semi-public journal?
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LJ and friends list
Date: 2001-09-04 02:55 am (UTC)You're not being harsh at all, you're being very reasonable about it. This is your journal, and hence your own place to express your thoughts and feelings on anything you wish. I deliberately have my journal tied down to be friends only at all times, and at other times, I change it so that I can post to a subset of my friends using the live journal client. I don't self-censor as I consider my journal and comments to be my own, but there hasn't been anything I have said I have regretted. There has been times I've wished to have been able to make a point more clearly than I have, but the point is I needed to write at that time and get it out of my system.
There have been sometimes when someone has wished to have been on my friends list, and I have refused to add them in. On the other hand, there are two people on my friends list because I was asked if I could add them in after their partner found something I wrote on Memorial Day to be very insightful and wished for those people to read. I'd like them to talk about me in their journal freely, and be willing to talk about anything they wrote with me if I had problems with it.